KNEE KNOB

The whole world is so hot right now that even those with bad butts are trading in their baggies for skin freeing bikinis and briefs. Doctors will tell you to "stay still and eat watermelon", but what if you can't sit still and consider watermelon the undisputed most overrated fruit of all time? Since I am one of those guys, I've come up with some cool tips to beat the heat. Some of them aren't real so use your better judgment.

1. Calm down!

Have you ever heard the term "hot head"? It means you get so pissed off at your chores that your body produces extra heat that spreads throughout your body and grows your finger and toe nails like crazy. Remember that man with the long nails who set records for nails? He lives in India, which is the hottest place in the world next to this really small attic in Texas, AND he hates his wife real bad, so he knew what he was doing. So if you're pissed off, just think of Christmas.

Here's the nails guy on an episode of "Grillin' with Bobby Flay"
during a US promotional tour

2. Wet your clothes

For some reason water likes to turn into steam. Don't ask me, ask whoever invented it. Anyway, when your body gets wet it steals your heat because it wants to get wild and you cool down in the process. So before leaving the house get your pants as wet as possible and let the water do the work. If this is too confusing just watch Star Wars Episode I, as Qui Gon Jin's explanation of the Force's "midichlorians" is basically him explaining what I just did but way stupider.

3. Use fire

Baseball players put extra weight on their bats in the on-deck circle so that when they actually step up to the plate, the bat feels as light as a model. Before you start your day get a little fire going and run on the spot until you're so hot that you smell your delicious skin start to roast. Feel free to grab a few nibbles before quickly extinguishing the fire and going about your day feeling as cool as a dude.