First of all, please give yourself an early Christmas orange and come see this show that me and my friends are putting on. It's got everything going for it - it's on Friday (the creamiest day), it's on kind of late (just like your favourite prom) and it features some of the funniest jokers around (just like the Liberal caucus!). The best part is that if you're a loud-mouthed bozo you're actually encouraged to be loud-mouthed and bozotic, as opposed to the other shows you talk during where you receive non-confrontational backward glances from comedians who don't know how to fight (present company included).
"Present Company Exclusives" would be a ssssssssssssssssssssssafe name for a store that sells ssssssssssssssssssssick gifts. I bought my dear mother a nice book on baking for Mother's Day and she loved it so much that she immediately baked me my favourite dessert: Sugar Raped Tart.
Because it was Mother's Day my siblings and I headed down the Quey Double You to our home hive to see the queen bee and her husband Don. I had a chance to look through some of my old stuff and in the dim candlelight, wrapped in our family's ancient quilt, crafted by the witch on my father' s side, I wept reflecting on a life well-lived and a future as yet undecided.
In real life I just sorted though some stuff on the floor and froze my walnuts off because basements are cold. Looking back on my scholastic career only confirmed suspicions that I haven't changed much over the years. I still like sports and writing stories and I still hate homework and math. My handwriting and drawing skills haven't improved and my old school journals showed me that much like today, my weekends are spent with movies and video games.
So what now? So far, being the same guy my whole life has landed me a leggy brunette and a penthouse apartment in Toronto's hottest area code. Professionally speaking, I'm still not the head president of anything, but I still know how to party and occasionally get the paying public to laugh live. So if I stay the course I'll end up something close to Danny DeVito as Jack the Bear in Jack the Bear.
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