PIRATES PROBABLY INVENTED SURFING, THINK ABOUT IT

Every day I strive to add items to my list of things that are good and cool, but some days I can't help but wade through a bog of horseshit and ultimately end up adding to my list of things that I hate. Today is one of those days. The thing? Couriers.

This guy's company stinks, and his family should not be proud of the work he does.

If you're a lifelong fan of this website you may remember me having trouble with FedEx a couple of times. Because of these barfy experiences I was very weary when I ordered a jersey club jersey for a friend and found out it would be shipped via UPS, a service similar to FedEx. But UPS has good commercials and their trucks are poo brown, so I thought maybe, just maybe this experience would be delightful. I was wrong. It's been terrible. I'm stressed man.

PRIMER

They attempt to deliver the package three times. If you're not home after three times they hold it and then eventually send it back to the sender or something. I don't really know because UPS' website and phone service are so unhelpful that they make Wikipedia look like Dewey Decimal System. Keep in mind, you have no say in when the package will get delivered (something I learned late in the process). You basically have to be home all day or just get lucky and happen to be home when they come.

Attempt 1

Having had such horrible experiences before, I tracked this package diligently via the Internet and saw it was to arrive on May 12, which was perfect because Liv was home sick that day so she could answer the door and the package would be mine. Tracking the package the afternoon of May 12 just for interest's sake, I saw that they had been to my place but claimed no one was home, leaving behind a UPS note thing on the door saying they'd be back tomorrow etc. I'll give them a pass on this one because we live above a restaurant and our doorbell is kind of hard to find. Also, even if Liv had answered the door, the note they left informed me I owed them $23.98 that would have to pay via certified cheque or money order, which Liv obviously didn't have at her disposal because no one told me I needed to pay them. Why no one bothered to tell me of this BEFORE the delivery is a mystery that even Batman would shit his pants over.

Attempt 2

I woke up early and grabbed a money order from a sleepy, dick-faced teller at Scotiabank beside my house. That's a whole other story that just makes this whole process even more laughable that I'd prefer not to get into at this juncture.

Anyway, I left a note on my door that morning assuring UPS I was home and explaining where the doorbell is located. I even included my phone number just in case. When it came time for me to go to work I left detailed instructions for Liv, who would be leaving 2 hours after me, on what to do with the money order and providing her a SECOND note to put on the door after she left. This note said I wasn't home and to please come back the next day before 1:30pm or to just deliver it to my work address, which my brother and Liv later informed me was a ridiculous expectation.

Unfortunately, they didn't show up before Liv left and sure enough, tracking the package later on, I saw they showed up again and no one was home, so they left another slip saying they'd return on Friday for the final attempt, hopefully before 1:30 as I'd instructed.

Attempt 3 - The Final Attempt

Today I decided that if they didn't show up before Liv and I left that I'd leave ANOTHER note saying to deliver it to the restaurant, the idea being that I'd give the money order to the restaurant, they'd sign off on the package and everything would be fine. Unfortunately, I never got that far. Tracking the package when I woke up, I was greeted with this message:

May 13 9:56 pm

RECEIVER WAS UNAVAILABLE TO SIGN ON 3RD DELIVERY

ATTEMPT / A POSTCARD HAS BEEN SENT TO THE

RECIPIENT REQUESTING THAT THEY CONTACT UPS.

A phantom "3rd attempt". Just what I needed. This is the kind of bullshit that went down when I dealt with FedEx. I have no idea what this means, especially because it happened at 9:56 P.M. They only tried to deliver it twice. I immediately went about calling a human at UPS, which in this day in age is like trying to catch a cheetah with a pair of tweezers. I finally got a hold of a nice lady who couldn't explain why anything happened or what anything meant, but did provide me with the option to just pick up the damn thing at their distribution centre by York University, or schedule another attempt. Even though the D.C. is disgustingly out of the way for me to get to, I'm not leaving another delivery up to chance.

Pick up prediction

I predict I'm going to get to the place and there's going to be a huge lineup of people like me. When I finally get to the front of the line, they're going to tell me that I either owe them more than $23.98 OR that the jersey has already been sent back to the supplier. I'll fill you guys in on Monday after my adventure.

Conclusion

On a final note, as I was riding my bike to work today I passed a guy wearing the exact jersey I had purchased, and it's not the kind of jersey you see all over the place. This is the hardest God has laughed at me in a while.

So eat shit UPS. I consider myself a very reasonable and responsible person, and if you and your cousins over at FedEx have given me this much trouble in my young life, I conclude that you are the asshole and not me. I'll see you in person on Monday and if you give me shit, I'm going to graffiti your bathroom with as many pro-Purolator slogans as I can muster.