When midnight rolls around most people are too concerned with werewolves, bedtime and convincing someone to have sex with them to savour the last few moments of a complete day. Instead of setting an alarm to wake me up in the morning, I set mine for 11:55pm every night so I can pay my respects to Father Time and his wife the Sandman. How I pay my respects varies depending on how things went that day:
When I have a good day, I sit in front of my favourite clock and when it strikes 12 I light a cigarillo, recite the Lord's prayer, pat myself on the back, and write down my goals for the next day. My default goal is to win a contest.
Father Time arrives home and doesn't even get a chance to ask if there's any Coke in the fridge before his kid snaps a rather unflattering shot of him not even wearing his beanie.
If I have a bad day I sit in front of my favourite clock and when it strikes 12 I light a cigarillo, do 30 sit-ups and think about how I can combine certain chores to save myself time in the future. At 12:01 I set a mousetrap off with my tongue to ensure that the day will only get better. If the day gets worse then I do the same routine at midnight, except instead of the mousetrap I just go and eat some garbage and listen to Chris Cornell. Once I vomit, I save it and if the next day is even worse I eat the my puke and then stick my tongue in a mousetrap.
My goals for tomorrow are to get a haircut and do some laundry, but with my hectic schedule it's going to be tough to complete both. Every laundromat should be next to either a barbershop or an arcade. Is there some way we can use the Internet to make this happen? Whatever happens to you tomorrow, just remember that everything goes on sale eventually, so you'll be able to afford those suspenders one of these days.
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