STOP BORCHING MY STYLE

I'm the type of male that likes to be at 100% all the time -- all systems normal. If I get sick, or injured or dirty or sticky, I just don't feel right and I whine to anyone who will listen. This week I contracted a little cold and I keep waking up earlier than I have to, so I think I'm going to whine to you.


Waaaaaaa I'm so tired and all I want is Wendy's but there's barely any in this town waaaa

booohooooo I want to make a tuna sandwich for lunch but I don't have any greens and I need greens on my sandwich waaaa

hussssssssssssssssss I can't find my slippies and my piggies are cold hhhoooonnnn

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I haven't been able to dedicate enough time to this book I've been reading - the intervals between reads are too large. Every time I pick it up now I forget what happened before and it takes away from the experience of reading ooohhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnn

Some of that whining was kind of real, but I don't really make those noises and I probably whine way more about work than I do about any of those things up there. I also complain about spending money. Some may call me "cheap" but I say I'm just good at managing wants and needs. Once you convince yourself that all you need is food, shelter and the odd Star Wars toy, the clams will start piling up. Here are some other ways to make money:

Buy binoculars - In the not to distant future, it's going to be possible to get new eyes that make it so you can zoom in on things and see 3D movies without glasses. The only trouble is that it's going to cost $$$$$$$sssss. People forget that binoculars are neat, and they cost way less than new eyes. Binoculars give you better seats at the ball game, allow you to spy on the city's most premium babes and beefcakes, and allow you to play Trainspotting at the park.

Never buy pens - I don't get why anyone other than an artist or a millionaire would buy a pen. Pens are so free they make George W. Bush have diarrhea. That being said, my dad makes his own pens and they're exquisite. Buy a pen from my dad.

Find the beauty in currency - The more emotionally attached you are to your bills and coins the less likely you are to spend them. Thankfully, our Canadian money is very colourful and pleasing to the eye. But like courting a human, you need to find an emotional connection as well as an aesthetic one. Name all your money, pretend it likes all the same movies as you, and write messages on bills, pretending it's the bill who's saying it, like "Money is everything, I'm your everything" or "Spending me is spending the rest of your life without me".