IN THE FUTURE YOUR PHONE WILL TELL YOU WHEN YOU'RE HUNGRY AND YOUR TV WILL ENCOURAGE YOU

BEAK WEEK '09

Welcome to Beak Week! 2008 is going to be difficult to top, as I'm sure we'll never forget when Mike Ricci showed up the Hostile Nostril Charity Ball and set the dance floor on fie-a with thrilling nose dips and hilarious fake picks . This year we've got some great new smells, a moustache round table and of course, the Pinnochio Award for funniest liar.

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Do you think anyone is going to see that movie 2012? I still think people aren't really over Sept. 11 enough to want to watch a movie showing their favourite landmarks being blown up and I DEFINITELY think people aren't over Must Love Dogs enough to want to see John Cusack act again.

It would be funny if the government saw this movie and was like "oh man, if the Mayans are right and the world starts ending, people are going to expect evacuation spaceships and brother, we don't have 'em." And then they forget about it until 2012 and the shit starts going down and they're like "Oh yeah, damn, the ships! We forgot!" and then they quickly get together a bunch of 747s, paint them like the future and herd politicians, doctors, babies, the Yankees, scientists and celebrities into them to make it look like they were prepared, and then fly them around for awhile. When everyone on board is like "When do we get to space?" they say that the main thrusters are broken and then head for some caves, which I assume is the safest spot next to space.

EVENTS SOON TO BE EXTINCT

- Banquets
- County Fairs
- Racism Jams
- Jamborees
- Slumber parties supervised by your weird uncle
- Pie Eating Meetings
- Wart-Offs

A great start to Beak Week.