THERE ISN'T ANYTHING IN HERE YOU NEED TO KNOW BY ANY MEANS

Enough about me, it's time for our yearly look at Ken Griffey Jr. I read this human interest story a few days ago and in the video they post it shows Mr. Ken in Japan sporting an Official All Star Cafe shirt. If you recall, the All Star Cafe was Planet Hollywood's answer to a sports bar, using high profile athletes to sell the brand and convince people that the nachos Andre Aggasi like are way better than other nachos. Unfortunately for sports fans everywhere, the place went under, but luckily there's a sports bar on most corners of most cities, so any emotional damage dealt to regular patrons was quickly extinguished. I'd like to keep the legacy alive by highlighting some of the most memorable dishes to come out of the All Star Cafe, the place I met my long lost daughter, where I once beat Street Fighter II on one credit and where my great great uncle's pre and post wake festivities were held:


Jerry Rice

Jerry Rice was an optional side that came with any Jock Strap combo. It was wild rice cooked in lime Gatorade and formed into patties which were then deep fried in Mississipi hog fat in reference to the Rice One's home state. It was finished with a signature "49er" sauce in honour of Jerry's team in San Francisco, and consisted of a mix of crab roe, soy sauce, hash resin, the tears of the chef, and instant mashed potatoes. These ingredients represent San Francisco culture (fisheries, Asian Immigrants, Haight-Ashbury, gay rights struggles, and Alcatraz).

Shaquille O'Neal's Bucket of Sauce

The Shaq is a big man, who needs a lot of sauce. One day he ran out of ketchup and got so mad that he started rapping while swinging a child around on his finger like a basketball. Chef Arnold Glue saw Shaq doing this and offerred him a bucket of sauce to keep him happy and the rest is history. Using a mixture of vinegar, BBQ sauce, American-style lager, 2% milk, brown sugar, molasses, mayonnaise, honey dijon mustard, Perrier, and 47 other secret ingredients, Glue created a show stopper that became a favourite amongst cafe regulars. Nicknamed "The Diarrhea", some would drink it straight up while others would mix in hamburgers, ribs and other cafe favourites creating their own customized stews.

Mario Lemieux's Pupu Lemieux platter

Mario wanted his signature dish to reflect his childhood in Quebec, and created an orginal pupu platter in his home province's honour. It featured a generous helping of Kraft Cheese slices, Mama Lemieux's Maple Beans, Licorice All Sorts, yarn dipped in chocolate (known to the children of Montreal as 'un serpent boueux' or 'muddy snake'), fried bologna, and tuna served over a bed of Raisin Bran. Being one of the more costly dishes on the menu, it wasn't the most popular item, but was a favourite at kids' birthday parties.

If your next thirty days are looking stupid, counteract it by visiting Chamber of Comics for my pal Mike Winters' 30 Comics in 30 Days event. And check out the rest of the site for hilarious flash videos full of adult themes and put on some Rascalz while you're at it to support hip hop in Canada.