ARE MOTHBALLS STILL IN, OR IS THERE SOMETHING BETTER?

Thanksgiving -- I don't get how Canadians made this happen, because as far as I know, we didn't have pilgrims, but we do love turkey like any dudes on Earth so why not have it a bit earlier and just party on?

I got to the homeland a touch early this season, in lieu of my brother's 25th birthday. We ate a fabulous Italian meal courtesy of chef Donny and ate an ice cream cake courtesy of the Cold Stone Creamery (our local Tim Horton's is a major player in the combo Tim's/Cold Stone pilot project).

The only problem is that I ate almost all of the foods that my doctor advised me not to eat to ensure butt health -- I indulged in Italian sauces, garlic, chocolate, coffee, wine, beer, and liquor. Sometimes you just gotta throw the rules out the window and get wild.

Luckily I recovered for Sunday's turkey feast, which is always in the top 5 meals of the year. Imagine how much turkey people would eat if it only took like, half an hour to cook? I'd be eating turkey and eggs for breakfast. I bet in an alternate universe, people eat whole sharks for special holidays. Imagine the presentation possibilities...

Here's what I'm thankful for:

Cigarettes

I don't smoke, but the option is always there in case I want to look radical or if I need a prop for a bit. Plus, they make me feel good that I don't smoke, thus allowing me to assure myself that I'm a-okay.

Baseball Mitts

They last forever and allow you to play catch whenever you want.

Carpet

Is there anything on Earth that is as underrated as carpet?

But seriously guys, I'm most thankful for family and friends, because they make you feel real good when life throws shit in your eye. So thanks everyone, and keep being cool dude(tte)s.

I'll leave it at that and let you get on with your day off. Rake some leaves and start getting nuts about Halloween -- the next major North American event.