IF YOU GO TO MONGOLIA PICK ME UP A CASE OF SNIX BARS

With all the hype surrounding yesterday's Canadian launch of Google Street View, an online tool allowing users to go outside without going outside, I thought I'd talk about Halloween.

Here are some costume tips and tricks ensuring your Halloween is fun, safe, crazy, sexy, cool, tight, black, up and good. Some of these tips I'm scared to share because I haven't come up with a costume yet. If one of them is real good I'll write "callsies" beside it and you have to ignore it and just use it for entertainment purposes.

Actually, I don't want to do that. All I could think of was something about Twitter and getting 140 friends together each with a word taped to them, but I feel like some college frat somewhere will end up doing that, thus sullying the aim of my piece, which was to get you to say, "that's so dumb, no one would do that". Plus, there's still Thanksgiving (adult Halloween, where turkey is candy and gravy is Unicef) before actual Halloween, so I think I'm jumping the gun here. What should we do instead?

Oh I know! I got a new Health Card in the mail today and I didn't even ask for one -- USA! USA!. The best part about modern technology, is that it makes old technology (mail) cute. Back in the old days, getting mail was just part of the day along with visiting the blacksmith and fighting pneumonia. But now getting a letter is like going to a thrift store or going on YouTube and looking up Thundercats and then realizing that Thundercats was really boring and we only liked it because it featured creatures with swords, slender cat women in bathing suits, and a mummy.

"Honey, I know the bride isn't supposed to see the groom before the wedding, but I couldn't wait to show you!"

Come on back tomorrow for my Thanksgiving Special, featuring a recipe for chocolate fried stuffing courtesy of Paula Dean and a Thanksgiving prayer led by Roberto Alomar and his choir, "The Handsome Somebodies". Here he is, overachieving as always: