A TIME TRAVELLER FROM THE PAST WOULD WANT TO TALK ABOUT FLAGS AND WE'D BE LIKE "BOOOOORING"

There was an article in the Star yesterday highlighting the top 10 least healthy breakfast cereals, in case anyone was unsure about the nutritional value of a cereal based on Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. The article didn't thwart me from craving Cookie Crisp, despite its high sugar content, because I'm no blockhead -- I know that I'd be better off eating Shredded Wheat with its homestyle cardboard flavour, but cookies are engineered to appeal to our taste buds and pleasure zones, which I'm all about because I'm a happy guy.

What I did take from the article is that cereal hasn't really changed much over the past 700 years. At the end of the day our only options are flakes, puffs, pebbles, squares, crisps, clusters, bits, jacks, o's and whatever Weetabix is -- hay logs? The content inside the box hasn't changed since fridges were cooled by penguins with fans and milk was brought to your door by a lonely old widow man, or town idiot, but the marketing of it sure has -- just look at "Vector", which bills itself as a "meal replacement", which I guess means it's replacing regular breakfast with breakfast, because Vector is just Corn Flakes mixed with Rice Krispies encased in a box plastered with images of people doing flips. If you're going to claim to replace breakfast, at least go all the way and call it something like "Kellog's Morning Family Feed" or "Sunrise Supper Meal".

I think we're in need of a cereal revolution, something that will re-invigorate the food, because without it little kids won't get their milk and college students won't eat dinner. Here are some quick ideas:

Noodles - When my brother was a kid, he was a picky little shithead, but he always ate cereal and spaghetti, unless it was from Denny's (find the Denny's spaghetti story in Chapter 94 of my book "Live to Learn - Learn to Live - Hope and Triumph, Dreams and Hopes, Justice and Love). I assume that most shitty kids share this diet, so why not combine the two into a brand new breakfast experience?


Milk Innovation - When cereal companies come up with new ideas, they probably just concentrate on the cereal itself, but why not tackle the milk problem? How about a cereal called "Self Milkers" or "Auto Creams" or "Cow Tarts" that are coated in milk, which is activated once you add water to the bowl? Despite living side by side, milk and cereal have different shelf lives, but water will always be there, so using it will take the pressure off cereal to be eaten in the fresh milk window.

More hot cereals - I'm a big fan of hot breakfasts, because if we're not heating things up, then what was it all for? I'm talking about our ancestors who'd be pure peeved at the idea of us not using fire when we have it at our damn fingertips. Currently, hot cereal options are pretty much limited to porridges, mushes and gruels, which kids don't like because it reminds them of schoolyard taboos like boogers, poo and puke. I don't really know what to suggest here with the exception of an instant breakfast pasta.

If your dad works for one of the big guys, tell him to read this and then send me a cheque. Tomorrow we'll tackle waffles and beans and then next week lunch is going to be torn a new hole.