CRUISING FOR A CRUISIN'

A little while ago I was urinating at home when a bee seemed to rise out of the toilet and into my face. It wasn't flying very fast and seemed disoriented, so I killed it easily and mostly forgot about it, although I was miffed about its presence and bizarre entrance. The last few months there's been a few more bees appearing, every one as dumb as the last. They seem out of breath and close to death, taking no notice of me and my attempt to end them. This morning I was on the couch checking the day's headlines on the Internet when one of these dumb bees ran into the top of my head, sat on a book, then fluttered around idiotically for a while before I murdered it with a notebook.

Where'd these dumb bees come from?

I got some answers recently when my brother noticed a potential nest just outside my bathroom door on the fire escape. My bathroom has a door to the outside, so if you ever need to drop some poo around Queen and McCaul, check me out. What was my brother doing out there anyway? There's just a bunch of old rugs that belong to my neighbours. Are you into rugs, Scott?

Anyway, I have a feeling these dumb bees have either been banished from the hive for being morons, and somehow find their way inside my house because they have nowhere else to go, or they're just plain stupid and think my house is a garden (it has smelled mysteriously of celery lately, so maybe that has something do with it). Either way, I don't like bees flying around my head because I haven't been stung in a while and would probably whine like there's no tomorrow if one of those stripers got to me. Luckily they fly real slow and seem pretty close to death anyway, so I usually have the advantage.

Much like the Mafia, I only like bees when they're on film, so hopefully today's sighting will be the last. If you have any information about these bees please contact myself or my exterminator, Horse Drury, whose address is:

473 Eyeball Central
China
PO Box 8

THOUGHT OF THE DAY THAT WAS ACTUALLY A THOUGHT FROM LAST WEEK

Last week on Twitter, I said something about how if Heaven was proved real, you'd get a bunch of numbskulls, trying to die without it looking like suicide so they could get to cloud city way faster. So you'd be walking around town and people would be standing under ladders, making fun of gangs, and signing up for Alaskan crab fishing. I guess people would be way nicer too, because no one would want to go to Hell, OR it would backfire and the attitude would be like "if I'm going to Hell for eternity, I'm having a damn good time here on Earth" and they'd drink and sex and drug and all sorts of bad stuff that's fun for them Mad Max style before they spend the rest of forever shoveling lava into big furnaces. During your break today, or maybe on your bike ride over to the arcade, think about what YOU'D do if this were the case. Most of you are going to say "be a good boy and then go to heaven and party hard", but maybe there's a psycho or two out there who have a better idea. Let me know!