I REALLY THINK THAT IF VIKINGS EVER MET NATIVES THEY'D GET ALONG AND CREATE SOME WONDERFUL FUSION CUISINE

I'll like to begin today by reminding you that every once in a while I'm prone to repeat an anecdote, fart joke, butt mystery or creative slam dunk description because unlike sausages, I'm not perfect.

To that end, I feel like I've told you about the following, but maybe not, or maybe there's a glitch in the Matrix and everything's messed. In any case, file this one in the "things that are wrong with me" file and if I ever talk about it again it probably means that it's really bothering me, so you should come by with some chicken soup and Ribena, which MIGHT just cheer me up.

I think I've forgotten how to eat. Either that or I have throat cancer. Both are bad, but only one is fixable, and since this isn't the year 3045, and we haven't yet unlocked the secrets of pears, I can probably manage to re-learn eating.

Here's the scoop:

Sometimes I get really hungry at home and just have to pig out, right? I grab a basket of food, sit down and feed, but the thing is I eat too fast, because:

1) Food tastes good, so logic would dictate that I'd want to get as much good into me as quickly and as efficiently as possible, thus the blinding speed.

2) I'm very impatient -- I'm leg shaker, a finger tapper and I don't like going to the bathroom because I don't know how long I'll be in there for, so when I got HOT FOOD in front of me, I make quick work of it because if I don't I get bored.

I don't know what this picture is all about, but I do know it's important

The problem is that I don't chew enough because as soon as bite 1 hits my licker, I'm already ready to take bite 2 and so on and so on. It's like that part on The Simpsons when Lenny says Homer eats like a duck.

The day after I chow down I feel full the whole day and my throat gets swollen. I guess it's because there's a mound of un-chewed, pre-poo food sitting down there and my throat is tired because I stretched it good.

So basically I have to stop doing it. Yesterday the culprit was left-over tacos that I smothered in sour cream and hot sauce. If you see me at a food hut or chow bar, make sure that I take my time and buy me a Coke to wash it all down.
Luckily for me, I can lard pies all day and not gain weight, so my hogging only effects me in the short-term. For more information go to the Mandarin and see how much Black Forest Cake you can eat in 5 minutes and wash it down with something fried.