EVERY GIRL WEARS TANK TOPS BUT THEY HAVE YET TO WIN A MAJOR AWARD

EXCERPTS FROM A STOMACH JOURNAL

November 13, 2009

Last week my stomach was having a bad hair day and when this happens I usually backtrack to see if there's a food or liquid that might be the cause. This time around I was displeased to find that perhaps I have trouble with carrots, probably my all-time favourite vegetable and reliable lunch time side. The next step is to lay off the carrots for a bit and see if it makes a difference. I've already stopped eating tomatoes and tomato-based compounds, which is both sad and devastating, so to add my beloved orange roots to the list would be simply heartbreaking.

November 14, 2009

You know when you're nervous about an exam or a date with a sex machine, and your stomach reacts and you feel like throwing up or taking a big one? I know that feeling all too well because I get nervous about everything. If I was out and about in public as a child, I would get nervous that there wouldn't be a bathroom nearby if I had to go, and because I'd get nervous I'd end up having to go and so the stress built in my mind and my hind. It was like a catch twenty poo, know what I mean? Anyway, the point is that I've been really stressed over the last while because of several factors and since my autumn schedule is jam packed with due dates I think maybe my belly is reacting accordingly.

February 41st, 2032

Looking back I can chortle at the thought of digestive issues, what with the nanoids that inhabit our bodies in this plustaculop eden that we call New Earth. It turns out I was just stressed out, and after I won my first million playing Wendy's Kick for a Million at Ivor Wynne Stadium in Hamilton Ontario, my cares melted away. I think getting into power lifting also helped, as my mind got off stomachs and onto gigantic pectorals.

Santa Claus Parade (new topic)

We tried to go see A Serious Man at AMC on Sunday, but the Santa Claus Parade prevented us from getting there. This isn't the first time that fat guy's march has thwarted me:

1994 - Me and Jimmy Gringo were having a downhill skate jam to decide who would win the hand of Kelly Malibu, and I was winning hands down after knocking Jimmy over with mace I grabbed out of a garbage can. But then I ran into Bloor St, and had to stop while Jimmy ollied a rooftop gap.

1999 - I finally tracked down the legendary Rat Dude, a half human, quarter rat, quarter musician, in a sewer underneath the Eaton Centre. Having uncovered his lair and his army of dirty babes, I was able to pursue him until he surfaced and blended right in with Streetsville Pipes and Drums (that dig is for my mom), losing him and his moon chalice forever.

2004 - I decided to get out of town to avoid the Santa Claus Parade, so I headed to Miami for some much needed peace and quiet. Little did I know that there's a Santa Claus Parade that goes down every day in Miami, but instead of floats they have ludicrous cars, and instead of marching bands they have girls with low self-esteem.

"If I pull on this hood ornament, the Rolls turns into a hot tub and I turn into a star-spangled Fender Stratocaster"