I COLLECT AUTOGRAPHS OF MY CO-WORKER'S DAUGHTERS

♪ It's snowing, not raining, the old man is painting ♪

And what is he painting??

The Juice triplets! The only married, polygamous triplets in the world. Jan Juice first noticed she had feelings for Jenn Juice in Grade 11. THEN, at a pool party in 2nd year university, Jake Juice saw his sisters in matching Corona bikinis and his wiener wouldn't stop singin'. The next day they went to go see Harry Potter and the Mug of Harold and couldn't keep their hands off each other.

"I know what my sisters are thinking and I also know how to turn them on, sexually -- usually by staring at them the same way a kid stares at a parrot in a pet store. Polly may want a cracker, but Jake Juice wants his twin sisters in a tent wearing nothing but hand sanitizer."

Law enforcement officials in the Juice's hometown of Crab Stew, Nova Scotia aren't quite sure how to handle this situation, but Captain Harley Jolie-Pitt of the Police Team, issued this statement:

"It's not that I don't understand Jake's motives -- every man dreams of having a sexual relationship with twin sisters, and some men, myself excluded except for once, have feelings for their own kin. It's just that Jake is my dentist and Juice Country Spreads occupy 60% of my breakfast table every morning. If I look in the mirror before heading to the station and don't see gleaming white teeth and a few smears of Spicy Green Bean Scream in my beard, I won't be able to do my job at a professional level, so throwing him in jail won't do anything to improve my life. And heck, their wedding was the best time I've ever had. They had beef AND dessert. I think there's some illegality in there somewhere, but last time I checked, the tenth commandment is "Love Conquers All", and I'm not about to go against the laws of Abraham Lincoln, R.I.P."

CBC is planning a TV movie about the controversial triumvirate, starring HNIC's PJ Stock as Jake, and archival footage of the Dion Quintuplets as Jenn and Jan.