THAT BELL WAS ONE DONG AWAY FROM RETIREMENT

Garbage Day - Celebrity Edition

Friday is garbage day around here and today I have three big stinkers headed straight for the heap.

Here's what I'm throwing out this week:


The name "Lance"

I consider the name "Lance" to be a cousin of the name, "Glenn", except that while "Lance" was invented by mere mortals, "Glenn" was forged in the fires of Mount Dude by a surfer named The Sorcerer. Each rose to prominence during the seventies and eighties and both pretty much mean "laser man". Unfortunately, as each new age dawns, both these names have been largely forgotten by new mums and dums, opting for modern names like "Tire" instead. I think it's time we put the name "Lance" out of its misery. It was having trouble already, but then Lance Armstrong went and lied to everyone about using potions to help him win tours of France. I can't imagine too many parents wanting to name their baby boy after our generation's Grinch Who Stole Christmas. And even if someone were tempted to dub their child Lance because they find him an inspiratational sex machine who did nothing wrong, the kid will forever be teased with insults like:

Hey Tour de Lance -- eat shit.
You're named after an old guy who stunk
Fuck you, Lance.

Kurt Cobain's Birthday Present

The old sponge of grunge would've turned 46 this week if it wasn't for a certain sponge of grunge named Kurt Cobain. I went to Wal-Mart to get him a gift like I do every year, this time going with some cologne and a package of Nibs, but on my way home I couldn't find a dog to pretend was him so I threw it all out. It was for the best though. When I got home and logged onto the Internet I realized that the whole thing was blown way out of proportion and that celebrating a dead man's birthday is like celebrating a stegosaurus' wedding. In unrelated news, I've been selling off-season candy canes to a Christmas fan club and things are going great for me. 

My Oscar Pistorius Sponsorship

I sponsored the Olympic Athlete/Girlfriend Slayer during the London games and in return he promoted my line of shoe horns that had shoe jokes printed on them. You may remember our famous print ad that featured Pistorius wearing two big versions of our horns as legs and a thought bubble saying "Now if only I could find a woman who has a shoe for a mouth". No one really understood it and we fired our copywriter. But the hype generated by the confusion was enough to push fourth quarter sales into the dillions, which is just a fancy industry term for five hundred bucks each. Now that the "Bladerunner" is on trial for murder, we decided to throw away his sponsorship, opting instead for a guy with a nickname from a better movie. We went with this stuntman named "Jurassic Park" who has this neat talent of being able to eat sap. If he ever encounters sap with bugs in it he cries, "DNA!" and the crowd goes nuts.

A HOTEL WHERE ALL THE ROOMS ARE UNDER THE STAIRS

Before we get into the meat of February and I start waxing poetic on the socioeconomic implications of "Family Day" and how the Polish government has just as much to do with Leap Years as the cosmos themselves, let's talk some pop culture. 

 
POP WATCH: FEBRUARY

NBC Comedies

Last night was the series finale of 30 Rock, a cornerstone in NBC's "rock" solid, soon to be dismantled Thursday night comedy lineup. I'm still 2 episodes behind so I can't really talk about what happened, but if I've been correctly deciphering the clues spread throughout the series, Liz Lemon and Jack Donaghy will die at the end after having sex at Yankee Stadium and Tracy Jordan will become a chef. The show is to be replaced by a new reality competition show called 30 Ricks where 30 guys named Rick fight tooth and nail to earn the title of Ultimate Rick. What makes the Ultimate Rick?

- Steve McQueen knowledge
- has a Halloween costume of a Bruce Willis character (bonus points for baby from Look Who's Talking)
- Braveheart tattoo
- can open a beer using yarn

While 30 Rock ends, Community re-begins next week after an extended hiatus. Will its small yet loyal legion of diehard fans continue to tune in while their boring neighbours stick with NCIS and a regular, pedestrian meatloaf WITHOUT chipotle peppers? Probably. Will the show remain as wacky and lovable without former showrunner/creator Dan Harmon and the classic comedy of Chevy Chase? I don't know! We'll find out, be patient. In the meantime, watch Summer School, one of my favourite movies of all time and another representation of life in a school that doesn't seem very real. I mean, Mark Harmon as a high school teacher? Kirstie Alley falling in love with Mark Harmon? NCIS, Dan Harmon, Mark Harmon. This post has HARMON-Y.

Meanwhile, Parks and Recreation remains the perfect show and the Office continues its march toward extinction. Did you see last night's double feature? The whole thing feels a bit weird.

The Oscars

On February 24 Hollywood's slimmest congregate for the 85th annual Academy Awards. Ben Affleck's Argo has been picking up a lot of steam lately, winning Best Picture (drama) at the Golden Globes, as well as Best Picture wins at the AFI, Critic's Choice, and Charlie's Basement Revue awards. The Canadian Football league also bestowed an honorary "Best Thing Named After One of Our Things" award at their annual banquet held at Buff's Ribs 'n Eggs in downtown Hamilton, Ontario.

Super Bowl 

The Super Bowl gets thrown into the kiln of America this Sunday, pitting the San Francisco 49ers against Baltimore's Ravens. My favourite Super Bowl was during my stint in University. A friend managed to steal a garbage bag full of wings from a restaurant he worked for, and another guy took an entire case of salsa from the grocery store he worked at. We had a lot of leftover salsa. For all you gambling types, I'd put all my money on Beyonce being simply radiant!

Star Wars

Speculation over who will helm Disney's first Star Wars adventure was put to rest this week when it was announced Jason Jason (JJ) Abrams will put his ass on the line. It doesn't really have much to do with February but I'll be thinking of it on Valentine's Day when I try to force my wife to watch the most romantic movie of all time, The Empire Strikes Back. She will of course refuse, we'll order Swiss Chalet and she'll make me put on my sexiest outfit, which luckily for me is also my pajamas. We're soooooo cute.