DON'T TELL MOM THE BABYSITTER'S HERE

When I got sick after I got back from my trip I was freaked out because being sick is not ssssick. After a couple days of staying home, drinking liquids and playing Ouija Board by myself to try discover new swear words (you bloot) I decided it was time to check in with my doctor friend, my doctor. He was all like "Yeah, yeah, yeah, you feel bad, there's no drug for shitting and having the flu", but he gave me a note that allowed me to cop some antibiotics just in case.

Well guy, I still felt like a wall of slaves on Monday and keeping with my family's motto of "By Any Means Necessary" I started taking antibiotics, even though the good bacteria in my body was screaming in my ear, "We have activities planned this week!". I don't like modifying my body as much as I don't like modifying people's perceptions of the Smokey and the Bandit series (it is what it is), and the side effects of 'shitty taste in mouth' and 'greater risk of watery d's' aren't my cup of rum, but I ate them anyway.

The Point?

This was all leading to something about me never getting Bacterial Vaginosis, but that's obvious considering I have one of the most talked-about dongs in North America due to its perfect symmetry. If you plug my the dimensions of my hose into the Pythagorean Theorum you end up with a picture of the Eiffel Tower.

What's happenin' in Egypt? If I lived in the country that invented paper, big pyramids and the concept of "babes", I'd be smiling more than the Cheshire Cat at Christmastime. Of course, the Cheshire Cat would be considered a God if he lived in Egypt, which probably means that cat sales and evening pettings are skyrocketing as we speak. I don't think the country is in big time trouble until we see herds of dogs chasing all the cats into the Nile. If I name my next kitty "God" will you be made at me? I once had a Nine Inch Nails shirt that said "closer to god" on the back and part of me was worried that if I wore it to school I'd get in trouble, as if "god" was a swear word. I'm naming my next t-shirt "closer to shit". I would've had a case had that been the case.


Dear Egyptians,

Clam down. I meant "calm". But you might also want to clam down. I'm pretty sure the Mediterranean (that big old salty bitch at your northern tip) has a bounty of fresh seafood, and I know that when me and my dad get into it, nothing calms us more than a clam down. Take your biggest pot, filled it with clams, potatoes (you guys have potatoes? Don't use figs), corn, garlic, white wine and maybe a splash of water and hot sauce, and just boil away while you watch the sun and talk about sports you might want to start ignoring. I'm no expert on the Red Sea (that skinny bean to your right), but it's probably good for something considering your cat gods decided to start your country on its bright pink shores. Surely there's some fish worthy of a cookout in there somewhere.

Love,
Canada

GUNK WILL SEE YOU NOW

The Oscar nominations are in!

I got 0 nominations but that curly-haired, beady-eyed, nice belly-buttoned Jesse Eisenberg got one?

I used to make him eat old bird nests out of the toilet when we were growing up together in Las Vegas. He kept crying "I didn't do nothin'! My father whips me with his ties and my mom makes me play giraffes with her every day after tea, life is hard enough."

Enjoy it, asshole. Say hi to Tom Hanks for me. Knowing you it'll come out, "Hi Tim! I mean...Ron...do you have the time? Oh, I have a watch....no, it's just a nice bracelet wawawawa".

I'm not too worried. The play I'm acting in premieres February 1st and should garner me at least one Tony and probably a couple of Source awards. Everyone in the play rules, and will do a great job entertaining you and your guest(s). "Your gues(s)t(e)(s) are (is) as good as mine!" HAHAHA. Seriously, bring that girl you're trying to bonk.


Here's a poem about lunch:

When you don't make your lunch you have to go buy it
Explore your area, pick a restaurant and try it

Subway has sandwiches, cookies and chips
Edo Japan's teriyaki will stiffen your nips

If there was a half decent burrito place in this area, I'd eat so many that my hair would start secreting burrito slime instead of essential oils and my skin would turn to tortilla. Sure, the birds would peck but my tongue and sense of satisfaction would raise to levels not seen since my dad installed a Wendy's in our house instead of a bathroom by mistake in 1994. We got tired of it and the staff wasn't very friendly.

SCREAM UNTIL YOUR SCREAM IS ALL BASS

I know it's been awhile, but I've been working behind the scenes on something HUGE and now I can legally announce that this blog has been named the Heinz Blob Blog of the Decade. This new partnership means I have FULL ACCESS to the Heinz online Sauce Vault as well as hosting rights to their popular online games Hot Dog Frisbee™ and Picnic Panic!®. Details will emerge as the week goes on, but in the meantime head over to the Heinz homepage, create an account for just $37.99 (and 100 proofs of purchase) and start creating your Avatar-tar. I gave mine a beard made of relish, but until you reach ninety thousand Squirts you'll only have access to a few dijon wigs and some branded caps.

Yeah right, though, right? Most bloggers can only dream of typing the above paragraph with total honesty. In reality, I've been sick the whole month of January, and not just one kind. I've had:

Headache
Running Nose
Stuffy Nose
Night Wets
Snoozies
Cough
Phlegm Tubes
Diarrhea
Light headedness
The Shivs
Knuckle Nose
Satisfaction with last haircut
Sore Throat

Last time I typed and you read, I gave myself a Pat on the back because I deserved it and because I'm physically unable to kiss my own lower back, which is how I usually congratulate people. Now I've never claimed to be magical (unless I'm around the fondue pot), but mere days after I Patted myself in the virtual world, I was able to get the real thing:


It seems that whatever I say in here comes true in real life, so if you'll excuse me, unlimited hot tub buffet dinners warm apartment diamonds nicer chin.

Don't get all antsy Toronto, the above shot wasn't taken at CNE, but in fabulous Los Angeles, CanIaffordit. Me and the fellas went on a trip to Obama's west coast, and I can't tell you too much about it because I don't feel like it, but I would caution studio execs to prepare thy selves for Captain Ron 2 - Shipwrecked in Vegas, which should be sliding across your desks later this year in script form.

The script will be in 3D (three duotangs), -- first act, second act, third act. Blue, red, purple, respectively. Page numbers? You bet.

Synopsis


Las Vegas -- 2:00pm -- Captain Ron crashes onto to shore, tired and injured. A strange new land awaits...

For the first time he must adapt to life on land. Hiding from the pirates who shipwrecked him, he takes a job as a blackjack dealer at Treasure Island hotel and casino and makes friends with the young casino staff who teaches him to love and laugh again. Will he ever get back to sea?

THE SABRE-TOOTHED MAN HAS HIS DAY IN COURT

It's been quite a good week for the homeless.

By now you've all heard about Ted Williams, the homeless man with the voice of vanilla ice cream with Jesus on top. He got a new job, a new haircut, a new house, and the kind of buzz that that every Hollywood starlet dreams about while lying naked on the furs of rare animals, covered in powdered drugs and various goos.

On top of that, there's a bounty of fresh seafood and poultry that's literally falling out of the sky. You see the Apocalypse, I see buffet.

Let's go back to that guy Ted. What do I think about this man and his Mike Sorrentino?

Obviously, this is real great for a guy who last week was eating worms and wondering why anyone would buy cologne over a nice pillow and a Gatorade. His obvious talent was wasted on the deaf ears of Old Deaf Harvey, the smelly ears of Stinky Greg Polstansion, and non-existent ears of All Nose Rudolph who shares a corner with the ugliest dog in town (instead of a tail she has another butt). Thank goodness he's able to get out of Columbus, where you can't buy a belt downtown according to one man who was asked by my friend Chuck where he could get a belt. Could it be the abundance of jails and courthouses as opposed to department stores or does is the elastic waistband a mid-west thing? It's too bad that he got a new job in Cleveland, which movies and TV have taught me is a horrible place where no one but Drew Carey wants to live.

The biggest issue that I, and the members of my Judo club have with this is that the media and other for-profit entities and taking advantage of the whole thing. The guy definitely deserved a job in the speaking industry, but did he really deserve all that other stuff? He's now the most employed voice guy in the world, prompting every veteran announcer in North America to say smoothly and eloquently, "what the Hell?". It's not like the Nazis blew up his farm or something.

Knowing humans, we'll try to take advantage of the situation further by combing the streets for other talented people without home. For all you scouts out there, here are the easiest jobs to fill:

Chef - Jamie Oliver has an empire of restaurants whose cooks are all disadvantaged teenagers, or as anthropologist call them "pre-bums". Homeless people have far more life experience than a teen whose mom hides the crisps all the time, so he throws her TV out the window, and they're already well-versed in the culinary arts from years of eating our garbage. They know how to roast a raccoon, so why not a Berkshire pig?

Sex Actor - All you really need to do is find someone out there with a powerful dong. Besides home ownership, there's not much difference between a homeless person and a porn star -- they smell weird, they eat goo, they're prone to disease, they wear horrible clothes and their parents hate them.

Reality TV star - Homeless people are adept at screaming nonsense, drinking heavily and fighting, which are all prerequisites for being a reality star. Heck, on Wednesday Skooki told Ellen that "passing out in a garbage can sucks". Replace the word "sucks" with "rules" and that quote could have come from any number of street people.

In conclusion, I used the word "goo" twice today and I think that deserves a pat on the back:

COVERING MY LIFE SOURCE IN FUDGE AND WHIPPED CREAM

This marks the end of the second longest blog hiatus I've ever had. The first longest was 12 years ago when I temporarily lost use of my brain because I ate 39 Twix bars in 46 seconds. It wasn't a dare, I just thought it might look cool and I was trying to impress this new kid at my school named Dino who had his own table saw. I may not have written anything, but I did play the best checkers of my life during that stretch, that not only captured the hearts and minds of the local media, but of Dino, who you may know today as Paul Rudd.

I feel rusty. It's the same kind of feeling one gets when it runs out of chewin' tobacco so it has to chew rubber bands instead. Then it realizes that chewing rubber bands is actually better because it's like chewing gum with built in floss. Dentists know this trick but they won't tell anyone because if they did they'd all be out of business. And what can a dentist do besides be a dentist? Pearl cleaner? Sure, but good luck getting one of those jobs. You have to know someone. And dentists only know other dentists. A dentist who knows a pearl cleaner is the ultimate human.

Since I last typed words into your zone, I had a Christmas and a Christmas vacation, a New Year marked and a New Year holiday and I went bowling once. I'm not ashamed to admit that I spent most of the time watching television, playing a video game where I get to pretend I'm a pro hockey player and thinking of local restaurants I haven't been to yet. In fact, I watched so much TV and love it so much that I even took pictures of it, as if it were my new pet bird who if real, would be called Jaspin.

Sometimes I can't wait until my digestive tract processes apples for a nice, long apple dump. Thankfully, Turner Classic Movies has me covered during the wait.

Please watch "Toronto's Talent" on Rogers Cable. This guy Memphis played a very simple blues riff for seven minutes and I think the song was called "Rockin' All Night"

Do you take Smike to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Before you start accusing me of being a lazy old mint who not only watches TV but takes pictures of it so he can post them on the Internet, which he does while he watches TV, please know that in January I'm acting in a play that will prevent me from watching TV and taking pictures of TV on a regular basis. Since I knew I was going to create entertainment come the new year, I thought I'd finish off the old year by consuming entertainment so that everything evens out. If a pizza master knows he's got a gig coming up where he's cooking up a couple hundred hot pies for a landlord looking to trap a bunch of Italians hiding in the wall, he's probably going to spend all the time leading up to the big day pigging out. He knows that when he's baking up all those cheesy babies he's going to want to eat them but he can't because of the laws of business, so he pre-stuffs, extracting all the satisfaction he can before he knows he'll be tempted. That's just mathematics 101 with Professor Commonsense, 2 classes a week for four months in the Obvious Building, South Lecture Hall, Main Campus.

Stick with me this year! There'll be tons of fun, brand new instructions on how to live better and eat longer, and hot pics of things that make you shiver. The year Twenty EGlennven. The year of putting my name into regular words.