January 6, 2011


It's been quite a good week for the homeless.

By now you've all heard about Ted Williams, the homeless man with the voice of vanilla ice cream with Jesus on top. He got a new job, a new haircut, a new house, and the kind of buzz that that every Hollywood starlet dreams about while lying naked on the furs of rare animals, covered in powdered drugs and various goos.

On top of that, there's a bounty of fresh seafood and poultry that's literally falling out of the sky. You see the Apocalypse, I see buffet.

Let's go back to that guy Ted. What do I think about this man and his Mike Sorrentino?

Obviously, this is real great for a guy who last week was eating worms and wondering why anyone would buy cologne over a nice pillow and a Gatorade. His obvious talent was wasted on the deaf ears of Old Deaf Harvey, the smelly ears of Stinky Greg Polstansion, and non-existent ears of All Nose Rudolph who shares a corner with the ugliest dog in town (instead of a tail she has another butt). Thank goodness he's able to get out of Columbus, where you can't buy a belt downtown according to one man who was asked by my friend Chuck where he could get a belt. Could it be the abundance of jails and courthouses as opposed to department stores or does is the elastic waistband a mid-west thing? It's too bad that he got a new job in Cleveland, which movies and TV have taught me is a horrible place where no one but Drew Carey wants to live.

The biggest issue that I, and the members of my Judo club have with this is that the media and other for-profit entities and taking advantage of the whole thing. The guy definitely deserved a job in the speaking industry, but did he really deserve all that other stuff? He's now the most employed voice guy in the world, prompting every veteran announcer in North America to say smoothly and eloquently, "what the Hell?". It's not like the Nazis blew up his farm or something.

Knowing humans, we'll try to take advantage of the situation further by combing the streets for other talented people without home. For all you scouts out there, here are the easiest jobs to fill:

Chef - Jamie Oliver has an empire of restaurants whose cooks are all disadvantaged teenagers, or as anthropologist call them "pre-bums". Homeless people have far more life experience than a teen whose mom hides the crisps all the time, so he throws her TV out the window, and they're already well-versed in the culinary arts from years of eating our garbage. They know how to roast a raccoon, so why not a Berkshire pig?

Sex Actor - All you really need to do is find someone out there with a powerful dong. Besides home ownership, there's not much difference between a homeless person and a porn star -- they smell weird, they eat goo, they're prone to disease, they wear horrible clothes and their parents hate them.

Reality TV star - Homeless people are adept at screaming nonsense, drinking heavily and fighting, which are all prerequisites for being a reality star. Heck, on Wednesday Skooki told Ellen that "passing out in a garbage can sucks". Replace the word "sucks" with "rules" and that quote could have come from any number of street people.

In conclusion, I used the word "goo" twice today and I think that deserves a pat on the back:

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