A MARRIED MAN (NOT ME)

This weekend I went to my first wedding since I was a boy. I'd be lying if I said "I didn't want what to expect" because everyone knows what weddings are like. You're a dumb stupid idiot if you go into a wedding not knowing what's going to go down. Even if someone interrupts the ceremony and is all like "Stop the wedding sir! I love this woman!" it's not all that surprising because we've seen it a million times in popular film, tv, book, and probably video game.

Needless to say I had a wonderful time, even though the DJ played several songs twice and played one of only two songs the groom specifically told him NOT to play, the song being Chris de Burgh's "Lady in Red". Chris de Burgh kind of looks like Davy Jones. That guy from Sum 41 looks like Mickey Dolenz. Clive Owen looks like Michael Nesmith? Kathy Griffin = Peter Tork? I just gave you a conversation starter for your next hot date with a babe or a hunk. "Yo chick, who do you think looks like the Monkees?" Ten minutes later: "Oh baby, let's get these ribs to go and head over to my place." That's the babe talking. When you go back to her place, compliment her bathroom and lie down on her couch instead of sitting to show her that you're totally comfortable. I heard that's how Vanna White's husband scored.

At one point during the reception, my friend Andrew, who loves the outdoors, made the bold claim that he prefers weddings to cottage weekends. At first I was totally against this, but upon reflection, he may be correct, although overall I'd still have to give it to cottages. Sure, cottages lack the outpouring of positive love vibes and delicious complimentary meals, but they do have boats and corn roasts, which most weddings don't. So basically, have your wedding at a cottage and you'll be treating your guests to the time of their lives and if things get boring you can always play Return of the Jedi in the woods.

Because the wedding was in Whitby Ontario and my command centre is in Toronto, we had to stay over and instead of getting a hotel room, accepted the invitation of our friend Kevin and stayed at his parents' house. I brought a sleeping bag, a pillow and a foam thing. When I got into my bag, it felt so good and I remarked to the others in the room that sleeping bags are number one and that I was just so damn comfortable. But when I woke up from my beer induced slumber a couple of hours later (3 or 4 am), I couldn't get back to sleep and the bag became an uncomfortable, jail-like cryo-stasis pod. None of my standard toss and turn moves were executed properly because the bag was too tight or something. If you're thinking of getting me a new sleeping bag for my birthday, THINK AGAIN and get me a new board game that at first looks kind of shitty but you're like "no trust me, I played it at my cousin's and it's so good" then I play it and recommend playing it on a Friday night and everyone has a lot of fun and they thank me at the end of the night.

TIDBIT ABOUT ME.... OF THE DAY

I don't gamble unless someone forces me!