A VACATION GUY, MAN

I just got back from a short, five day stint in beautiful, sunny, bright, temperate Florida (in the U.S.A.). The purpose of my trip was pleasure as opposed to business or funeral or wedding, meaning myself and my travel companion had free range over the sights and delights of the greater Venice area. If Venice had a local Olympics I would've won every event as the median age of the city is 69 according to Wikipedia. In fact, a local man challenged me to an impromtu of one-on-one and I beat him 20-0, finishing the game with a 360 windmill dunk from the free throw line. "Geeeeez kid," he said, "you should play for our team next fall." I lied and said that I couldn't because I was going back to school in Conneticut. I treated him to a beer and some gator bites though, and he turned out to be the Macho Man's dad!

A large part of the trip included venturing to American retail outlets to check out products they have that us Canadians don't. We found things like cake in a bowl (just add water), a complete hot dog (weiner and bun) that you microwave for 35 seconds (the bun remains soft!) and Pop Tarts that have both chocolate AND strawberry in them. I also ate at Chili's for the first time, which caused me to feel like Sharon Osbourne would feel after eating an entire roast turkey! Really full! That's because she had gastric bypass surgery so she can only eat about a syringe full of food a day... get it? I was really full. Like Sharon Osbourne, Ozzy's wife. Remember her? Oh man I was full. For a long time too.

I was also fortunate enough to witness a National Hockey Leauge contest in Tampa. That evening we got to the arena early and decided to kill time by visting Dave Andreychuck's Grille, which is right across the street from the St. Pete Times Forum. I had high hopes because I like Dave Andreychuck and I like grilles, but as soon as we entered the vicinity my mind was twisted and my dreams were smashed as if I were the puppet and the bar was my Master. The place smelled like 50 year old grease that someone tried to clean with really shitty soap. Luckily we had already eaten so I was fortunate enough not to try to the food, which would presumably taste like greasy, soapy shit. I also received reports from my female companions that the women's bathroom was littered with used sanitary napkins and human waste. So to you Dave Andreychuck, I say this: Your bar is the worst player-owned establishment I've ever been to. Worse than Boris Becker's Southwest Crab Shack, Davis Love III's Chicken and Biscuits and Bobby Bonilla's Boom-Boom Bon-Bons.

THINGS I BOUGHT

Star Wars Lego

Terminator 2

Extras the DVD collection

Reebok Toilet Tissue

A cat

Fresh rhubarb

Some good rope

Now play a game with your dad and find it which items I ACTUALLY bought. Play it on his birthday because it's a really special game. But it's fun too, don't worry guys.