TAKE THE SUIT ROUTE

The other day I took a big step into manhood and purchased my first real suit. I say "real" because I have in fact bought a suit before, but that was in grade 11 and I bought it from Value Village. The pants don't fit at all. Since my friends have started getting married, I figured adding a new suit my fashion file couldn't hurt, unless I bought one made out of spikes!!!! hahahahahaha, or porcupines. HAHAAHAHAHA I'D LIKE TO SEE THAT!

I went with my pal Andy to "Tom's Place" in Kensington Market, a store which our friend Andrew referred to as "pricier than Moore's but they have nicer suits. Moore's is for businessmen." The word "pricier" scared us a little, but Tom's has a big sign in their window that says "4 suits for 1". We found out that this basically means that you can choose from a select group of suits and get 75% off the sticker price. This is cool news for two guys who don't like paying for things, so we got down to it and started shopping.

The old man who was helping us at first seemed pretty cool. I'd much rather buy my suit from an old man rather than a slimeball dick head who goes to clubs all the time and who drives a car that's stupid, you know? But the old man turned out to be a bit of a dick himself, as he seemed unwilling to put up with our lack of suit knowledge and our modest budgets. Even when we tried to learn things by asking questions he sort of rambled on as if he didn't have time for our bullcrap. He did manage to tell a cool story about the Queen but then got mad at Andy because he wasn't picking a suit fast enough. I managed to get away from him, but managed attracted an old saleswoman, hellbent on making commision that day, who ended up helping me find the eventual winner. Is this boring? I can't tell.

I ended up getting a grey suit with a checkered pattern. I wasn't wild about it when I saw it but when I tried it on, I felt like James Bond on prom night and my date was the dorky girl that got hot and I was the only one who noticed. It's being tailored right now and I sort of forget what it looks like, which kind of scares me because I might get it back and hate it. I think it kind of looks like Pee-Wee Herman's suit. I ended up spending more that I was going to, but I'm not sweatin' it because my stocks have been doing well lately and frozen pizzas are on sale at Dominion. I get to wear my new ensemble at a wedding on Saturday, and if I look as good as I did in the store, the bride will probably fall for me and we'll run away to San Francisco together and start a new life as husband and wife sportscasters for the 49ers until we retire to Fort Lauderdale in 2030. COOL!
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WHAT SHOULD YOU DO TOMORROW?

Go to a restaurant and order something that's not on the menu. If they make it for you, hold up the menu and say, "Then what's the point of THIS fucking thing?!" If they don't make if for you then they passed the test. After your meal, buy some new shoes and complement the salesperson of their pants and their wallet. Don't stay up all night working out!