JEEP JEEPS

Year in Review - The Year 2010

Technology

"Wassup girl? Just shootin' a vid. My man covered himself in dead mice and my snake is chasin' him around LOL. Pizza later sounds good."

How can you begin an article on this year's technology without mentioning the iPad?

There, now, I still have a 30GB video iPod that Liv gave me after she won an 80GB video iPod from an office Christmas party three years ago. I've finally got around to putting podcasts on it which I listen to on my way to work and when I'm doing aerobics. I don't have one of those armband things so I just stick it in my tights where my penis usually goes, then I wrap my my penis around my leg. Maybe in 2011 technology will come up with a better solution, like maybe something that turns your balls into speakers.

The headphones I use are falling apart, and most days I end up with little pieces of rubber in my ear. I put all the little pieces together in a mug, and on New Ear's day I'll brew up some rubber tea with mint that, if all goes to plan, with also have a nice, earwax essence, a perfect start to the y'Ear.

Email

The best email I got this year was actually an embedded video forward. The last thing I "embedded" was a drunk girl who only agreed to embed because I lied and told her I was a set decorator on Avatar. She wanted to know what James Cameron's phone number was and I said "Uh, we all call him Jimmy" and it was on.

Anyway, I can't find the video, but it was shot in some hick's living room. The floor was covered in cheesies and this guy comes in wheelbarrowing his dog and the dog eats all the cheesies and it's all set to the SCTV theme song. Unfortunately, the video was lost in the fire, so using technology I'll attempt to recreate it:

The Rogers Centre roof is still workin', cars still have radios and zippers haven't changed a bit. All in all, 2010 was a great year for technology. Next year you can expect to see:

Instead of fridges that have doors, expect Fridgidaire launch a line of doors that have fridges in them.

Scientists in Australia are close to revealing "Dry Water". It's basically sand with a bit of soap mixed in, but they can't seem to get the smell right.

In the 2nd quarter, Richard Branson is expected to reveal A trampoline that will take children to space. The latest prototype improved greatly with only 6 splats out of 50 launches. It's powered by rock n roll!

I LIKE ESPIONAGE AND ANYTHING CRISP

Now that my Christmas shopping is all done, I can get an early start on New Year's barfing and Family Day kisses. Liv and I generally like to keep our New Year and Family Day celebrations low key, so we generally combine them on January 27th and just sit around in our pajamas kissing while also barfing into each other's mouths. I usually drink a lot of Coke and eat lots of Rolos beforehand, while she chugs Gatorade and eats chicken wings, so that we each get our favourite kinds of puke. The couple that sprays together, stays together until one of them finds someone normal.

I have to work this week so I won't be telling you about lazy, fun holiday stuff like baking movies and watching cookies. Instead, my week will look and feel like this:

Whoa, check out that highlighter!

You guys know me pretty well by now, but if you don't because you happened upon this post by searching "barf kisses" in Google because that turns you on because your parents neglected you and your best friend was your dirty old dog who barfed all the time, you should know that I'm antsy. I got ants in my pants and an itch in my ditch. Combine that with my love of Christmas and being on holiday and you get one full dude who can't stop shakin' his leg anytime he smells pine boughs or sees a jolly old Sants in the local mall. So what's a boy to do?

My guru, who would like to remain nameless because his name is Lardy Puffsmear, recommended I try to forget about Christmas and instead concentrate on work and extra-curricular activities, while avoiding heavy screaming and extra cheese on things. I immediately got to work on a new political cartoon:


As per usual, I got great coverage, including a sweet spot on the front cover of the New York City News Machine Daily. Unfortunately, most readers were distracted by this month's FunShine Girl:

Mona, 35, was never the same after she returned from outer space. Her breasts started producing fruit punch and she claims she understands what birds keep chirpin' about. She loves to ski and hopes that there's a big technological development in scissors in the next 10 years.

Full disclosure, I was quite taken with Mona myself, and as soon as I was done wiping the sweat from the brow after picturing me and her hand in hand, shopping for jam at the market, I turned the page and saw a full page spread advertising a big Christmas sale -- 50% off all rubber -- and I was right back to being excited.

Last weekend I went to a party that served a whole pig and I also put together a treadmill.

HAVE A NICE TIME AT THE SANDING

Baywatch could've/should've been called Broad Daylight for its sunny depiction of broads. I don't normally call women broads unless I'm in the presence of construction workers or writing a post on Baywatch. I don't normally hang out with construction workers unless I'm in a crowded food court and I go to food courts every time I go to the mall.

"My beach-side bathing suit biz continued to thrive even after my model Mary died."

Food courts are some of the best places in the world because they're like little towns where fries are found on every corner. No matter how bad your mall is, its food court usually can't lose. If it doesn't have the major players it usually has some form of popular mall cuisine, like if you can't find a Manchu Wok, you'll probably be able to find a Tiki Ming etc., or if you can't find an Edo Japan you'll be able to find Lou's Teriyak etc.

The best food court was Sherway Gardens'. I haven't been there since I mistakenly bought bras for every broad on my Christmas list in '06, but I'll assume that its still filled with all-stars. It used to have Taco Bell, New York Fries, KFC, some Creole place, Arby's, Subway and many more. A lot of these places didn't exist in Mississauga when I was boy because Mississauga's meat standards were greater than the surrounding area according to school-yard lore, so going to a place just outside our borders where you could get everything was truly fantastic. Also nestled within this food court was a Grade A movie store and an arcade complete with a virtual reality machine. Best place in the world? It needed a water slide.

I was so damn busy this past weekend that I barely had enough time to check out my nose in the mirror. I finally got some time Sunday night and everything is okay, including my award-winning nostrils, that were the basis for Benjamin Button's age 56 prosthesis from last year's hit film. First up was a surprise curling birthday party. Here's me and my team:

We all did surprisingly well considering curling is a sport that only Scottish grandmas excel out. Just kidding, I'm not ignorant, just silly and there IS a difference despite what Robin Williams says or does. We all decided that we're going to curl again, even though we run the risk of being labeled either "dweeboids" by the hipsters or "hipsters" be the dweeboids. Now I know how singer/actress Jennifer Lopez feels. Two celeb references in one paragraph, geez, who am I, Joel McHale? THREE.

On Sunday we got up early for our annual outing to Buffalo (who's new motto per my friend Scott is "Grey Skies, Wet Ground") for a Buffalo Bills game. The weather couldn't have been any shittier. It rained the whole time, and even though I wore three layers I was still very damp by the time we headed home, allowing border guards to detain me, just in case the dampness was smuggled American simple syrup. It was also cold, but not quite cold enough that the rain turned into beautiful Buffasnow. Despite all this, I think we all had a good time because we're not babies and normally if you have beer and sausages a day is good by default.

WHO DOESN'T LOVE A GOOD DOOR?

THE ART OF SWALLOWING

Real swallowing. Not the kind (well, sort of) teenage boys think is hilarious and not the Australian tradition of capturing swallows, blending them up with orange juice and cumin and serving them to the national surf team for good luck and nutrition. Regular swallowing.

"I played the hamburger in grade eight band"

Chances are you swallow no problem. It's just one process that's part of eating as a whole along with smelling, chewing, churning and shitting. Apparently at some point, probably when I was doing some late-night scarfing, I started thinking about swallowing, and then I found I couldn't do it right anymore. Any professional joust coach will tell you the minute you start thinking is the minute you end up with a lance in your butt. This swallowing problem has happened before:

October 6th, 2009

The problem is that I don't chew enough because as soon as bite 1 hits my licker, I'm already ready to take bite 2 and so on and so on. The day after I chow down I feel full the whole day and my throat gets swollen. I guess it's because there's a mound of un-chewed, pre-poo food sitting down there and my throat is tired because I stretched it good.


According to medical journal Wikipedia, "Eating and swallowing are complex neuromuscular activities consisting essentially of three phases, an oral, pharyngeal and esophageal phase." Phew. I would've been pretty bummed had it read "Eating and swallowing is so easy that babies can do it right away, no problem." Let's take a look at some of these stages:

1) Moistening

Food is moistened by saliva from the salivary glands (parasympathetic).

No problems there. I may not have the wettest mouth in the kingdom, but I'm no cottonmouth either. If I ever own a bar I might call it The Saliva Gland because bars are fundamentally in place to wet mouths. It wouldn't be a good idea to highlight the fact that they're also there to poison brains. If people didn't care about that I'd call it Computer Games. Either The Saliva Gland, Computer Games or J.J. Micky O'McFlanarourke's.

2) Mastication

Food is mechanically broken down by the action of the teeth controlled by the muscles of mastication acting on the temporomandibular joint. This results in a bolus which is moved from one side of the oral cavity to the other by the tongue. Buccinator helps to contain the food against the occlusal surfaces of the teeth. The bolus is ready for swallowing when it is held together by (largely mucus) saliva , sensed by the lingual nerve of the tongue. Any food that is too dry to form a bolus will not be swallowed.

I do tend to eat way too fast, which is a symptom of my motto, "Just Eat It". Perhaps I don't get enough spit into my food. I don't know though, I did self-prescribe several more chews ever since I noticed I can't swallow right anymore.

3) Trough formation

A trough is then formed at the back of the tongue by the intrinsic muscles. The trough obliterates against the hard palate from front to back, forcing the bolus to the back of the tongue. The intrinsic muscles of the tongue contract to make a trough (a longitudinal concave fold) at the back of the tongue. The tongue is then elevated to the roof of the mouth, genioglossus, styloglossus and hyoglossus such that the tongue slopes downwards posteriorly. The contraction of the genioglossus and styloglossus also contributes to the formation of the central trough.

I think I'm having trouble forming this trough. It's a lot like real life -- if a guy orders you to make a trough and you don't think about it, you'll dig that trough no problem. But if a guy orders you to make a trough and you do take a moment to think about it, realizing that there's pools to dive into and hardware stores out there to discover, you'll decline the order.

I'm basically trying to skip the step because my thinking brain likes shortcuts, while my unconscious is a rule-following bore.

The goal henceforth will be to distract myself while eating, so I can allow the wiener part of my brain to take over from the not as wienery part. Let's brainstorm:

1. Picture myself naked
   
   
2. Try to recite an entire Simpsons episode in my head (I've tried this before while waiting for things)
   
   
3. Get a tattoo every time I eat and the tattoo will be of whatever I'm eating. This will also force me to eat totally awesome, esthetically pleasing food for the sake of my skin canvas.
   
   
4. Pretend I'm a car. Food is my fuel. Feces is my oil slick to thwart would-be chasers. My nose is my hood ornament and my yelling "DUUUUPHH" is a my horn.
   

Luck-pdate

Last night on my way home from work I was walking up through the PATH system, window shopping Andrew's Ties and Fruits & Passion as usual, when I found a pair of Leafs tickets on the ground. I don't usually find treasure so I didn't really know what to do. Do I notify PATH security, sell them to a scalper, go to the game, give them to a homeless teen? Since I lost my wallet a couple months back and someone was nice enough to return it, I decided I was karmically inclined to return the tickets to the box office. They said no one reported them lost or stolen so I could just go to the game, but if the season's ticket holder showed up I'd be asked to leave. They never showed up but the game kind of stunk anyway, still, this was probably one of the luckiest things that's ever happened to me.

CHEZZNUT BOASTING 'BOUT HIS DOPE ON FIRE

I never really delved too deep into the details of my employment over the last five years, mostly because I feel that work should never get in the way of poo jokes. But I can now safely announce that I no longer do that thing I used to do, which was reading press releases all day. Instead I now listen to webcasts. I tell you this not to draw out congratulations but so you can adjust your fantasy sequences of me accordingly. Hopefully this new position won't mean less critically acclaimed blog posts, but if they do I have a back-up plan where I just start copying people.

This April, not only will I be celebrating the 9th anniversary of my 20th birthday, but HBO's Game of Thrones will premiere to the screams of millions of teenage girls across the world. Did I say teenage girls? I meant middle-aged freaks. Just kidding. I'm a big fan of the books and I consider myself more of a wimpy smiler who still thinks he's a young adult.

I've been reading the books since June and I'm still going, so when I'm an old man, telling my grand kids about the years 2010 and 2011 while they feed my milk and energy crisps, I'll be able to tell them that it was mostly me just enjoying stories about dragons. I guess it's better than two years characterized by weight gain or jail time. I'm no longer scared of years dominated by hair loss because I've had time to accept it. I believe I first noticed my hair leaving in first year university. What a ride it's been. Anyway, here's an exclusive Foot Locker® Sneaker Peaker Insider Peak™ that debuted after the new Taco Bell commercial debuting the new Nine Cheese Mexi-Shake that debuted during the second warm-up of last Thursday's NBA game between the Denver Nuggets and the St. Louis Battlebirds:



Kudos to the art department, who will no doubt be Emmy bound this year.

I truly am excited for this damn thing that will actually look like this:



To some of you, namely the ignorant ones who don't read books and have no sense of adventure, this will look just as silly as that fake footage. But you'll be sorry once bearded guys with swords who wrap themselves in fur become the new vampire, igniting a worldwide craze. The porno parody will be called Game of Thongs, Brad Pitt will play a guy in a movie with a name like Grogoz and horse traffic will increase to levels not seen since Henry Ford realized that burned gasoline smells a bit better than manure.

REINDEERS GAMES ARE FUN UNTIL SOMEONE GETS PREGNANT

HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE

Since I'm almost done all my Christmas shopping, I thought I'd help all you saps out with a helpful gift guide that will make your loved ones cry tears of greed as they ungratefully rip open each package without any regard for me, the guy who made the gift guide that led to the gift that led to the tears.

$10-$30

The Internet


Grandma might be good at making jam, but she knows nothing about the world's most popular everything, the Internet. Since she probably already has the hardware -- your old computer that's full of malware old university essays -- you should be able to get away with the most inexpensive subscription your provider offers. Plus, she won't even be able to tell if it's slow or even if it's working. In fact, you can can probably just get away with giving her a flashlight with some loose wires taped to it.

Batteries

The world is quickly being taken over by electronics, which will inevitably lead to PETA-approved, ethical cyber-zoos that will lead to robo-kid surrogates because no parent will want their child on the streets with the ever-present threat of escaped ape-bots. What do these life forms run on? Nope, not vinegar, and not even blood, but BATTERIES. Buy as many as you can now, because in 10 years they'll be worth more than go-karts. Plus, if there's a nuclear war I'm pretty sure batteries will become a form of currency along with old trophies and decent pens.

Shares in laser company


I'm not even joking about this. Look at the facts - tattoos are more popular than ever right now. What people don't seem to realize is that tattoos last forever, but most relationships and bands you think are cool, don't. I bet that in 10-20 years, the tattoo removal business will be so big that even Steve Jobs will get in on the action with a laser that can not only change colour, but also automatically download the latest Feist track to play while your skin gets burned off.

$31-$73

Beach Pillow
(image not available)

I've spent years developing my only invention, THE BEACH PILLOW that will make going to the beach a pleasant experience for once. I can't say too much because I haven't secured the patents yet and that no-good idea thief Weasel Lemky was spotted recently at the beach with a feather pillow glued to an umbrella, so I gotta watch out. When this thing is finally released, the demand will be so high that it will probably cost around $700, but if you pre-order this Christmas I'll give you a voucher for ONE beach pillow that will only cost you $50 and I'll throw in an autographed 8x10.

Earmuff


A lot of dudes dig ears. A lot of dudes dig girls. A lot of dudes dig sex with girls. Add that up and you have the ultimate male fantasy - the earmuff. For just $45.99, you get two pairs of earmuffs, a full-bottomed panty for the office and a g-string (pictured above) for the nights when you force your woman to wear something sexy for once.

$74 - priceless

Cat Chauffeur

I know, I know, you can get a cat chauffeur for way less than $74 nowadays, but most of them don't know how to work the horn and they rarely change radio stations, even during commercials. Today's premium cat chauffeurs know how to smoke and read magazines while waiting for you to finish dinner at the restaurant, and some of them can even say the word "hi". Buy now and receive a free chauffeur's hat, an adorable little Bluetooth earpiece and a 2 month subscription to Sirius/XM satellite radio.

Human child


Pregnancy is absolutely gross. Your favourite chick gets fat and starts whining all the time and then all this shit comes out along with slimy baby who won't shut up. When you want a new TV, you don't pull one out of your wife's privates, you go to the store, so why not do the same with a kid? I don't really know where you can get a kid for a decent price but if I were you I'd just ask around because most parents are looking to get rid of one or two around this time of year as the price of toys is utterly ridiculous these days.