YOU SCREAM FOR ICED SCREAM

I'm going to the Scottage this weekend, but before I go I have several things to take care of. Going away for a relaxing few days in lake country isn't as easy as tying your pet to the fridge, throwing some gum and paper towels in a grocery bag and threatening someone for a ride. You gotta be organized! Let me take you through "Phase 1" of my cottage summer weekend planning package.

TASK ONE - Car Ride

Some people sleep during car rides, other puke, but me, I like good old fashioned conversation. I always aim to have a few topics ready before I get in the car and this time I think I want to talk about how Hitler didn't use the Pyramids as his base.

TASK TWO - Food

Classic cottage food is stuff like hamburgers, s'mores, beer and toads, which is easy to plan for, and execute when it comes to time to "make some poo". My dad taught me to never take the easy way out unless you're in the house of an asshole, so I like to mix it up. This year I'm encouraging my friends to make all their meals out of plasticine before making them for real. When everyone is done their models, we'll judge which one looks the best and the worst. Whoever gets picked as the worst has to eat the entire plasticine meal while the winner gets to sit on the best chair in the joint until sunrise.

TASK THREE - Activities

- someone play dead and drift to the middle of lake in canoe
- rubbing feet against stone - biggest callous at end wins. Top bleeder gets first shower in the morning
- penis length contest
- try to replace all the lake water with Coke (need buckets)
- force some idiot eat tree sap
- make up a verbal Internet
- make mosquito chamber, put man in it, see how many bites it takes to die
- play Uno
- make some art out of crud
- Listen to the audiobook of Tim Allen's "Don't Stand Too Close to a Naked Man" around the campfire
- pee all over the place

And that's Phase 1! Phase 2 is all about execution and making decisions on the fly. One year we didn't even make it to the cottage because we decided that Wendy's has better hamburgers so we stayed there the whole time. By my 19th Junior Bacon Cheeseburger I was so out of it that I thought my nose was a gun and anytime someone burped we would rave for 3 hours. See you next week!