MOVIE MYSTERIES, PART 1

My recent rant against "Father of the Bride" was a hotly debated topic in the news this week.

Canada's The Globe and Mail said "His [Macaulay's] passion and distaste toward Steve Martin's protagonist is indicative of a larger class struggle in what is believed to be a new 'war' on the bourgeois."

America's Spin Magazine said "As much as Flogging Molly's spirited Irish punk brings to mind the Pogues (as well as rowdy pub elders the Dubliners), the Los Angeles septet are as notable for their non- Celtic influences."

Thanks guys!

Because of this recent press, I've decided to post another movie-related feature entitled "MOVIE MYSTERIES"

Part 1 - Willie "Mays" Hayes

Willie "Mays" Hayes is a principle character played by Wesley Snipes in 1989's "Major League". He was replaced with Omar Epps in the sequel, "Major League II". Major League is one of the best sports movies of all time, if not one of the greatest pieces of art man has created. It has a whole lot of swearing, and the characters are zany without being overly zany a la "D2 - The Mighty Ducks" which features a hockey playing cowboy, a guy who can't stop, a couple of figure skaters and a homeboy who has super powers.

In the movie, the new owner of the Cleveland Indians deliberately hires a bunch of rag-tag misfits in order to throw the season, thus allowing her to move the team to Florida because of poor attendance. At the beginning of the film we get a sense of these players' origins:

Jake Taylor - Ex big leaguer, now living in Mexico
Rick Vaughn - Ex Con, played ball while in jail
Roger Dorn - Past his prime veteran who's turned into a pussy
Pedro Cerrano - Voodoo guy from Cuba who can hit dingers real well
Lou Brown - Manager of the Toledo Mud Hens and works at Tire World

During Spring Training, Hayes shows up uninvited, driving what looks like an old VW Beetle with a Rolls Royce hood ornament on it and wearing a sharp retro suit from the 1950's. No one knows who he is, but he manages to make it onto the team because of his blazing speed. Not once during the film do they address where he came from, nor does anyone question his origins. So MOVIE MYSTERY number 1 is "Who is Willie "Mays" Hayes?????"

My guess is that he's a time traveller from 1950's Georgia. He always dreamed of playing big league ball and one day gazed into his time crystal and saw that in 1989 the Indians would be looking for anyone who could lace up their cleats to play for them. His time machine is that weird car he drives and the rest is history. They should make a prequel called "Major League: Year Zero: The Time Bandit Chronicles".

Stay tuned to this blog for my latest project: Pitching an eco-friendly television series called "Envi! Ron Mental." It's about a guy named Ron Mental who learns about the recycling while raising his two boys.

PEACHES AND CREAM AND CHOCOLATE

I finished Twin Peaks and it was SccAArrrrrRRyYYYYyy. I'm glad I made it through the entire series without someone ruining it for me. I couldn't enjoy "The Usual Suspects" because I knew the ending, and I couldn't enjoy "Fight Club" because what I really wanted to watch that day was Wrestlemania V, but my friend's older brother intervened and basically forced us to watch the former instead. You can't enjoy a movie you don't really feel like watching, unless that movie is part of the original Star Wars Trilogy, or is Terminator 2. If I were in Hell and the Devil was messing with me and making me shovel skulls and feces into a big furnace for like 48 hours straight, and he lets me put on T2 while I work, it would feel as if I were in heaven, in spite of the shit and the skulls.

MOVIE THING THAT BOTHERS ME

I finished reading Steve Martin's "Born Standing Up" yesterday and it wasn't really that good. It seemed rushed and incomplete. There's some good anecdotes in the book, but thanks to the Internet, finding a good anecdote these days is as easy as finding complete and succinct homework in a nerd's locker.

So why did I open my "MOVIE THING THAT BOTHERS ME" segment with a thing about a book? Because Steve Martin starred in a movie called "Father of the Bride". What bothers me about Father of the Bride is sort of what bothers me about his book. In the movie, this guy owns a veritable mansion in a beautiful suburb, has a hot wife, a hot daughter, a delightfully mischeivious son AND he runs a shoe company. Yet, he spends the whole movie complaining that his daughter's new in-laws are better than him and that he might be wearing a dark blue tuxedo. His book is kind of like that too. He's one of the most famous comedians in history but spends a lot of time whining that he got too famous. I still like him though. I also like "Father of the Bride" generally speaking. Next week, I'm going to release part 2 of "MOVIE THING THAT BOTHERS ME" where I tear "Ben Hur" a new one!!

MOVE OVER ROVER

I'd like to take this opportunity to plug a book I recently read called "The Name of the Wind" by Patrick Rothfuss.

You'll like this book if you're into:

- Demons
- Wizards
- Harry Potter
- Love
- Hate
- Books that have a cool map at the beginning

PLUS the author sort of looks like Rick Rubin! AND it won the Quill Award, which if I'm not mistaken is awarded to the Author who best exemplifies courage and valour in the face of grave danger while writing.

I'll let you borrow it if you live in the Greater Toronto Area and know my phone number.

I know this a little late, but I'd also like to endorse Twin Peaks the TV show. I'm too young to have watched it when it was actually on, but with the advent of DVD, I've been able to catch the entire series, commercial free. I have three episodes left, which I will view tonight. For those who don't know, the show is kind of like the X-Files meets the Days of Our Lives meets David Lynch. A winning combination, not unlike Beef meets grill meets bun meets toppings.

MEMORY OF THE DAY

I got new Reebok shoes when I was 7 or something and when I got home I ran up the stairs to my front door and said "These are good for climbing!" Of course they were, they were rubber-soled shoes! Any pair would've sufficed. I also once cried because my dad wouldn't let me buy Air Jordans with my own money.