MOVIE MYSTERIES, PART 1

My recent rant against "Father of the Bride" was a hotly debated topic in the news this week.

Canada's The Globe and Mail said "His [Macaulay's] passion and distaste toward Steve Martin's protagonist is indicative of a larger class struggle in what is believed to be a new 'war' on the bourgeois."

America's Spin Magazine said "As much as Flogging Molly's spirited Irish punk brings to mind the Pogues (as well as rowdy pub elders the Dubliners), the Los Angeles septet are as notable for their non- Celtic influences."

Thanks guys!

Because of this recent press, I've decided to post another movie-related feature entitled "MOVIE MYSTERIES"

Part 1 - Willie "Mays" Hayes

Willie "Mays" Hayes is a principle character played by Wesley Snipes in 1989's "Major League". He was replaced with Omar Epps in the sequel, "Major League II". Major League is one of the best sports movies of all time, if not one of the greatest pieces of art man has created. It has a whole lot of swearing, and the characters are zany without being overly zany a la "D2 - The Mighty Ducks" which features a hockey playing cowboy, a guy who can't stop, a couple of figure skaters and a homeboy who has super powers.

In the movie, the new owner of the Cleveland Indians deliberately hires a bunch of rag-tag misfits in order to throw the season, thus allowing her to move the team to Florida because of poor attendance. At the beginning of the film we get a sense of these players' origins:

Jake Taylor - Ex big leaguer, now living in Mexico
Rick Vaughn - Ex Con, played ball while in jail
Roger Dorn - Past his prime veteran who's turned into a pussy
Pedro Cerrano - Voodoo guy from Cuba who can hit dingers real well
Lou Brown - Manager of the Toledo Mud Hens and works at Tire World

During Spring Training, Hayes shows up uninvited, driving what looks like an old VW Beetle with a Rolls Royce hood ornament on it and wearing a sharp retro suit from the 1950's. No one knows who he is, but he manages to make it onto the team because of his blazing speed. Not once during the film do they address where he came from, nor does anyone question his origins. So MOVIE MYSTERY number 1 is "Who is Willie "Mays" Hayes?????"

My guess is that he's a time traveller from 1950's Georgia. He always dreamed of playing big league ball and one day gazed into his time crystal and saw that in 1989 the Indians would be looking for anyone who could lace up their cleats to play for them. His time machine is that weird car he drives and the rest is history. They should make a prequel called "Major League: Year Zero: The Time Bandit Chronicles".

Stay tuned to this blog for my latest project: Pitching an eco-friendly television series called "Envi! Ron Mental." It's about a guy named Ron Mental who learns about the recycling while raising his two boys.