I NEED A HAT BUT A BIG HAT

Here's today's edition of "I'm Pretty Sick Of"

I'm pretty sick of cutesy art that graces album covers, show posters and music videos. You know? Like pastel images of little guys with cute faces doing cutey things? I'm bored of that stuff now. I remember a couple of years ago when every new music video by young hip artists, featured some sort of CG cute thing that would do cute things. Nothing has changed man! Get that outta here with your leftover pototoes brother! I'm no artist, so despite what some guy who says "it only takes one to change the world..." says, I can't do tom-poo about it. I'd like to see more pop art with snarling wolves and thunder bolts, you know? Things that never go out of style. When People Magazine's October 3045 edition comes out and runs a feature written by AuthorTrox4577 called "Trend Thingies Circa 2008 or so", everyone's going to be reminded about how dumb this aesthetic really is. Remember that Butthole Surfers album called Electriclarryland? That cover art ruled. It was a silly face with a pencil through the face's ear with blood all over. Let's go back to that okay?



Look at those google eyes! Oh baby!


Your next dish is called Spaghetti and Meat Hair:

I have a relatively small head. I always have. This isn't really a bad thing at all I guess, but it could stand to be a bit bigger. Now that I'm getting older and my hair is starting to say "fuck you" to my scalp and skipping town, I generally keep my hair shorter than back in my wild university days of leather coats, spiky shoes, cool kneepads, big backpacks, neon belts, and of course, rock n roll hairdos. So basically, my head looks smaller than it ever has. I'm sorry to all the babes out there who were picturing me having a big head and long flowing lion hair. I do still play sports and the guitar, so keep that image of me winning the Superbowl while playing The Star Spangled Banner on a double-neck SG on standby; it could very well happen one day.

What else.....

I don't know



ummm



I finally watch episode 1 of The Wire.


It IS gritty!

BE THE BEST YOU CAN DO

For the last little while I've been thinking a lot about what it takes to be the best at something. I'm not the best at anything as far as I know. I'm pretty good at a lot of things, which is probably because I can't sit still and therefore can't dedicate myself to any one thing. In the past I've been an athlete, a musician, an actor, a comedian, a truck driver and a lady-killer.

This post was going to be a lengthy essay on being the best but I don't feel like it. So here's some things:

That swimmer Michael Phelps is crazy! At first I figured he was just a really good swimmer who had to work really hard. Then I finally watch one of his races and the commentator is saying he's the best in human history and that he doesn't even need to give 100% to win. I also figured that the reason he's so good is because he trains hard and he's strong, but THEN it turns out he has giant paddle feet and all these crazy double joints. HE IS THE HUMAN MEANT FOR SWIMMING. Ergo, if Earth is called upon to join an intergalactic sporting competition he'd get drafted FOR SURE.

"Hey Phelps, it's me George Bush, I just farted hahahaha. Anyway, these aliens called the Harphods said they'd blow up Earth if we didn't compete in their intergalactic games and - OHHH FARTED - since you're the best human swimmer, you made the team. You'll be competing in the 89 Garplox Hand Glide and the 300 Blorshaz Blenyourq. If you refuse to compete we'll kill you."

"Okay I guess I'll go. I mean, I just love competing you know?"

"What?"

"What?"

"Who is this?"

"Michael Phelps."

"Oh yeah. Are you married?"

"Not yet."

"Okay a shuttle will pick you up in 10 minutes."

Also on the team would be that guy Ken who dominated Jeopardy, Wayne Gretzky, and probably a gymnast or something.

I've also never known anyone who's been the best at anything. I'd like to though. Are you the best? Tell me about it! Send a self-addressed stamped envelope to P.O. Box 546, Kitchener, Ontario.

I truly believe that everyone is super good at something but 99% of people don't find out what it is. For instance, I'm probably the best of catching and cataloguing butterflies but lord knows I ain't goin' into the forest. You might be the best at sealing envelopes but who cares! Remember a while back when I talked about Heaven statistics. When you go to Heaven you can probably find out what your potential was, and then maybe go back and live up to that potential as a different guy. That means that every talented person in the world was dead but then found out their heaven potential and was reincarnated to live up to it. That sounds right. It's just science I guess.

WEEKEND PARTY FORECAST:

25 degrees and cloudy with a chance of scattered beers and some beers and TV tornadoes and DVD hurricanes with Hamburger clouds

HATS THAT MAKE YOU FAT(S)

The lack of updates these days isn't because I've been lazy, but because I've been busy covering the Beijing Olympics in beautiful CHINA.

THAT'S RIGHT. Sports Illustrated hired me to be a cultural ambassador of sorts. North America will now fully understand the ancient and unique Chinese culture via my witty and informative exposés.

Right now I'm sitting in my pajamas in my hotel room overlooking the Chinese ocean. There's some octopi singing a lovely summer's song and I'm eating fresh noodles made from secret stuff. I bought some cool sandals last night in the fashion district next to the ancient temple of karate on 8th Street. Have you been there? It rules.

Okay so I'm not in China and I don't work for Sports Illustrated. I wish. I still want a new job brothers. On the bright side of the desert, I found a new apartment that's supposedly HUGE. I haven't seen it yet though. Chew on that you dork! Just joking. My girlfriend saw it and I trust her judgement. You know who's judgement I don't trust? I don't know, just some idiot's.

I only had one cottage weekend this summer and it was last weekend. It rained the whole time and I had a stomach ache. That's like going to a trampoline factory, but like all the springs are gone or they're made a separate factory. Exact same thing. If you disagree I'll feed your ass to the sparrows a la "The Godfather 6 - Return of Robert". Seen it? Four stars. There's a lot of pasta in that movie.

I've had some health issues as of late; the aforementioned stomach problems and for some reason I can't swallow food right sometimes. Are you a doctor? Let me know. That being said, I've never really had a major health issue. In fact, I've never been to the hospital. I sprained my knee once but my dad was just like, "They'll just tell you to stay off it." So that's all I did. Once I had a parasite called Beaver Fever (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beaver_fever), but before I was diagnosed thanks to poo samples the doctor thought my discomfort might have been because I was lactose intolerant. For some reason that scared the shit out of me and I almost fainted in the bathroom of the doctor's office because I was so freaked out that something was finally wrong with me. On the way home my mom told me to put my head between my legs. Once my mom took me to a diner and I got a hot hamburger not knowing that it was a burger covered in gravy. I was disappointed until I smartened up and realized that it's a hamburger covered in gravy.

Those were some good tales huh? Not bad. I only made up the first bit too. The part about the Olympics, which I've been watching. Too bad our nation can't win anything. We're so cute.

THANKS YOUS