HATS THAT MAKE YOU FAT(S)

The lack of updates these days isn't because I've been lazy, but because I've been busy covering the Beijing Olympics in beautiful CHINA.

THAT'S RIGHT. Sports Illustrated hired me to be a cultural ambassador of sorts. North America will now fully understand the ancient and unique Chinese culture via my witty and informative exposés.

Right now I'm sitting in my pajamas in my hotel room overlooking the Chinese ocean. There's some octopi singing a lovely summer's song and I'm eating fresh noodles made from secret stuff. I bought some cool sandals last night in the fashion district next to the ancient temple of karate on 8th Street. Have you been there? It rules.

Okay so I'm not in China and I don't work for Sports Illustrated. I wish. I still want a new job brothers. On the bright side of the desert, I found a new apartment that's supposedly HUGE. I haven't seen it yet though. Chew on that you dork! Just joking. My girlfriend saw it and I trust her judgement. You know who's judgement I don't trust? I don't know, just some idiot's.

I only had one cottage weekend this summer and it was last weekend. It rained the whole time and I had a stomach ache. That's like going to a trampoline factory, but like all the springs are gone or they're made a separate factory. Exact same thing. If you disagree I'll feed your ass to the sparrows a la "The Godfather 6 - Return of Robert". Seen it? Four stars. There's a lot of pasta in that movie.

I've had some health issues as of late; the aforementioned stomach problems and for some reason I can't swallow food right sometimes. Are you a doctor? Let me know. That being said, I've never really had a major health issue. In fact, I've never been to the hospital. I sprained my knee once but my dad was just like, "They'll just tell you to stay off it." So that's all I did. Once I had a parasite called Beaver Fever (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beaver_fever), but before I was diagnosed thanks to poo samples the doctor thought my discomfort might have been because I was lactose intolerant. For some reason that scared the shit out of me and I almost fainted in the bathroom of the doctor's office because I was so freaked out that something was finally wrong with me. On the way home my mom told me to put my head between my legs. Once my mom took me to a diner and I got a hot hamburger not knowing that it was a burger covered in gravy. I was disappointed until I smartened up and realized that it's a hamburger covered in gravy.

Those were some good tales huh? Not bad. I only made up the first bit too. The part about the Olympics, which I've been watching. Too bad our nation can't win anything. We're so cute.

THANKS YOUS