August 15, 2008


For the last little while I've been thinking a lot about what it takes to be the best at something. I'm not the best at anything as far as I know. I'm pretty good at a lot of things, which is probably because I can't sit still and therefore can't dedicate myself to any one thing. In the past I've been an athlete, a musician, an actor, a comedian, a truck driver and a lady-killer.

This post was going to be a lengthy essay on being the best but I don't feel like it. So here's some things:

That swimmer Michael Phelps is crazy! At first I figured he was just a really good swimmer who had to work really hard. Then I finally watch one of his races and the commentator is saying he's the best in human history and that he doesn't even need to give 100% to win. I also figured that the reason he's so good is because he trains hard and he's strong, but THEN it turns out he has giant paddle feet and all these crazy double joints. HE IS THE HUMAN MEANT FOR SWIMMING. Ergo, if Earth is called upon to join an intergalactic sporting competition he'd get drafted FOR SURE.

"Hey Phelps, it's me George Bush, I just farted hahahaha. Anyway, these aliens called the Harphods said they'd blow up Earth if we didn't compete in their intergalactic games and - OHHH FARTED - since you're the best human swimmer, you made the team. You'll be competing in the 89 Garplox Hand Glide and the 300 Blorshaz Blenyourq. If you refuse to compete we'll kill you."

"Okay I guess I'll go. I mean, I just love competing you know?"



"Who is this?"

"Michael Phelps."

"Oh yeah. Are you married?"

"Not yet."

"Okay a shuttle will pick you up in 10 minutes."

Also on the team would be that guy Ken who dominated Jeopardy, Wayne Gretzky, and probably a gymnast or something.

I've also never known anyone who's been the best at anything. I'd like to though. Are you the best? Tell me about it! Send a self-addressed stamped envelope to P.O. Box 546, Kitchener, Ontario.

I truly believe that everyone is super good at something but 99% of people don't find out what it is. For instance, I'm probably the best of catching and cataloguing butterflies but lord knows I ain't goin' into the forest. You might be the best at sealing envelopes but who cares! Remember a while back when I talked about Heaven statistics. When you go to Heaven you can probably find out what your potential was, and then maybe go back and live up to that potential as a different guy. That means that every talented person in the world was dead but then found out their heaven potential and was reincarnated to live up to it. That sounds right. It's just science I guess.


25 degrees and cloudy with a chance of scattered beers and some beers and TV tornadoes and DVD hurricanes with Hamburger clouds

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