May 27, 2010


It looks like the knuckleheads over at BP are finally plugging up that underwater oil volcano, which begs the question: come on guys! Judging by the underwater footage of the spew, shot by a team of trustworthy mermaids and his majesty's most elite Octo-Guard, it seems to me that there were a number of solutions they could've at least tried to stop the damn thing:

1. Put a cap on it
2. Attach a big pipe to it and collect in a (some) big (really big) boat(s)
3. Open a gas station for the Gill People
4. Fill it in with mud and sand, which they finally did after a bunch of days, allowing tons of precious oil to be wasted on greedy fish and birds. Eat up fellas, it ain't gonna last forever.

Remember on the Simpsons when Kramer invented a bladder that goes on ships to stop oil leaks when the ships inevitably run into spikes? And you were like, "not bad"? I bet there are so many intelligent men, women and neuters out there with all sorts of ideas on how to stop this particular leak, but the pure bred moneybags who run the oil biz don’t want to hear them because they won’t even entertain the thought of communicating with people who don’t eat champagne sandwiches.

Since I’m riding an airplane on Saturday, I’ve updated my will, finally deciding that my hockey cards should go to my friends and not put in the time capsule along with a bunch of Stars Wars Episode I Pepsi cans, which are there mainly to confuse. Also since I’m riding an airplane on Saturday, I thought about new ways to protect us when a plane crashes. The most logical thing to do would be to outfit every seat with egg-like retractable armour. If the plane is in bad shape, the pilot or whoever runs the plane can push a button and the armour surrounds you. Inside the egg is Styrofoam or maybe that water from the Abyss that you can breathe in. So during impact you’re just a guy in a impenetrable ball. The exterior and the foam will be made from natural materials so you can just eat your way out and be a full Santa until the rescue heroes show up.

Branded schematic


Rachael said...

I agree. It really seems like there is simple solutions to problems everywhere.
p.s turner got a new tshirt, I would have gotten said tshirt but they were out of my size and I figured someone has to have it. be prepared for this amazing shirt unveiling.

Duke of Spook said...

I like the sound of this shirt

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