GET THE BABY, THE MILK'S EXITING MY EAR

420 BONUS PACK

Today is April 20th, or "420", the day marijuana users go on the Internet to let everyone know that it's April 20th. It's only fair since alcoholics have St. Patrick's day and heroin addicts have Christmas.

Anyway, since pot makes funny things funnier, and colourful things more delicious, I've put together a little package of stuff to take you on a trip, man. This is for potheads everywhere in this Waterworld of ours.


Heart of Gold is the most beautiful song





A cake made of pancakes




Since there are an infinite number of numbers, there's a number that's your name







Is your doggy the alien?





What if Wired Magazine is right?

We're all going to die someday

Your ancestors would not think highly of you

Feel your heart beating. What if it stops?


We're all just specks of shit on the universe's starry rear

EVER SEEN A BROWN HELICOPTER?

Last time we spoke I was on the cusp of turning 29, and as I type to you now that cusp has turned into whatever comes after a cusp, which in this case is me being 29.

29 is great so far. In the last week I've eaten two frozen pizzas, watched several hours of NHL playoff hockey and come to terms with my age by acting smarter and stronger than everyone else around me. Instead of locking up my bike I carry it wherever I go and when I see someone doing a Sudoku I give them a "psssshhhh" and throw a calculator at them. If it's a small woman who can't hurt me, I add "it's solar powered. Look it up".

To all my old friends, don't worry. I'm still the same guy you last saw at whatever age it was you saw me last. For example, I'm in the middle of a beard right now and I still pick at it like it were an extra crusty scab, as I've done to every beard I've grown for as long as I've been old enough to vote. The pubic quality of my beard hair allows this, and also helps exfoliate of all the beautiful faces I've been smooching. I only smooch one face, but that face is so damn smooth it might as well be Ryan Gosling covered in Cool Whip oil based topping while Peabo Bryson sings in the corner dressed up as Lando Calrissian.

With a new age comes a new set of responsibilities. Luckily, I've read enough Tom Clancy novels to know what it's like for an adult to function in adult society. Now here's Tom Clancy to introduce a new segment that relates to this introduction:

Welcome to Questions and Answers, a new feature where Glenn answers questions that he asks himself. I use this method all the time, which has guided me to wealth beyond human comprehension. For example, "what do I want to eat for lunch today?" Books. BAM. Million dollar career. "what's my wife's favourite word?" Espionage. BAM. 87 consecutive NY Times Bestsellers.

Question - When is the right time to buy a house?

The time is never right to buy a house because a house is the stupidest thing you can buy. Houses don't move and don't have anything to do with computers, so why would a modern, dynamic, tech saavy new adult like me even want one? I mean, a first generation iPod is more powerful than a house. The only thing you can plug into a house is a charger to charge your computers. Cut out the middle man, man! Until houses come fully wired, I'd prefer to avoid them altogether.

Question - Should I buy, or lease a car?

Neither. No one needs to leave their computer anymore because of the Internet. If I want to drive to say, Cairo RIGHT NOW, I can so with a quick image search in my favourite search engine. Hmm, let's see...I'm hungry! Typical human problem. I guess I should drive my Pontiac over to the farmstead for some onions. The problem? It'll take a full hour. With my computer I can order Pizza or chicken right to my door.

Question - When's the right time to have kids?

The best time to have kids is when a historical moment happens. That way, you'll never forget about your kids because you associate them with something totally special. If my partner's eggs were ripe enough, I'd take full advantage and fertilize her in time for the Royal Wedding coming up in a couple of weeks. When he or she or it is born and starts pooing all over your stereo, you can still manage to crack a smile because you remember that it was born on a wonderful day.

Isn't it beautiful seeing life being handled with such ease? I feel like Parker Lewis over here!

PART FART, PART GARTH

In exactly one day and forty nine moments, I'll be turning the ripe age of 29, the final year of my childhood.

I can grow a beard, I don't have all my hair, I own more than two pairs of shoes and I buy all my own bread. Also, just last week my family experienced a medical emergency. Is this a pivotal point in my life? If I were a Quantum Leap episode, is this where I'd get Bakula'd?

The answer to this question lies in the toilet of Mount Scary, due north of the Plains of Pizazz. The toilet is really just a small pond just path the main cave, but still.

So far, in 29 years I...

- can cook
- know about computers
- can drive a car and a small truck
- still have shirts from grade 11
- never learned any really good guitar solos
- got over my fear of dogs by barking back
- traveled to some good countries, avoided shitty ones like Poland
- still haven't seen 2001 A Space Odyssey
- haven't met a bra that I haven't sniffed

Okay, that last one certainly isn't true, but will probably kick in around age 65.

Upon reflection, if I were to go back and tell the little me what I'm up to these days, he'd be pretty cool with it all, especially when I tell him I own a remote-controlled tank. He's won't be too happy that McDonald's hasn't named their fries after him yet, but I still have time. And lots of campaign work to do! Here's what I have so far:

- everyone serves fries and they're all called fries. Call them Golden McGlenns and create a new character that's me but I'm a potato and you've got yourself a million dollars right there.

- My body is shaped like fries

- I smell like oil before I bathe and like herbs after. Your fries don't have herbs...yet

- At the end of the day, you are what you eat, and I eat a lot of fries

THIS DAY IN LIVEJOURNAL HISTORY
Birthday Eve Edition

It's that time again to pat my own bum bum and show you what life was like for me in the early days of the 21st century, a time when cars were fast and women were faster. Here's a sampling of feelings I had going in various birthdays over the years:

April 7th, 2002 (1 day until 20 years old)

Man did we get drunk last night. I had fun until neil and andy got into a fight about NHL 2002 that ended up with neil slapping and choking andy. But like males do they made up after five minutes and we watched top guun and went to bed.

Well tommorow I'm 20 years old thats nutso. I haven't done too much in 20 years so that leaves a lot to look forward to later i guess.

What does a boys locker room shower and (name of friend we used to gently rib) have in common?

When its knob is turned by naked men hot liquid expels.

April 7th, 2003 (1 day until 21 years old)

Well, school's just about over. I decided to miss this afternoon's classes because I feel it is snowing too hard.
I wrote some questionable stand up about names of diseases and I know that life-threatening disease jokes usually aren't very good but I think there's some potential.

Roger Exact and The Precise Calculations ahaha just thought of that one

Extreme tangy salsa doritos are A+

April 6th, 2005 (2 days until 23)

Does anyone want a free 13 inch (i think) colour tv? FREE

I;m done school forever! (unless i go back one day)


MEAT SAUCE

April 6th, 2006 (2 days until 24)

I invented a new hair style where you grow your sideburns long enough to gel them so that they look like they're attached to your eyebrows.