April 16, 2011


Last time we spoke I was on the cusp of turning 29, and as I type to you now that cusp has turned into whatever comes after a cusp, which in this case is me being 29.

29 is great so far. In the last week I've eaten two frozen pizzas, watched several hours of NHL playoff hockey and come to terms with my age by acting smarter and stronger than everyone else around me. Instead of locking up my bike I carry it wherever I go and when I see someone doing a Sudoku I give them a "psssshhhh" and throw a calculator at them. If it's a small woman who can't hurt me, I add "it's solar powered. Look it up".

To all my old friends, don't worry. I'm still the same guy you last saw at whatever age it was you saw me last. For example, I'm in the middle of a beard right now and I still pick at it like it were an extra crusty scab, as I've done to every beard I've grown for as long as I've been old enough to vote. The pubic quality of my beard hair allows this, and also helps exfoliate of all the beautiful faces I've been smooching. I only smooch one face, but that face is so damn smooth it might as well be Ryan Gosling covered in Cool Whip oil based topping while Peabo Bryson sings in the corner dressed up as Lando Calrissian.

With a new age comes a new set of responsibilities. Luckily, I've read enough Tom Clancy novels to know what it's like for an adult to function in adult society. Now here's Tom Clancy to introduce a new segment that relates to this introduction:

Welcome to Questions and Answers, a new feature where Glenn answers questions that he asks himself. I use this method all the time, which has guided me to wealth beyond human comprehension. For example, "what do I want to eat for lunch today?" Books. BAM. Million dollar career. "what's my wife's favourite word?" Espionage. BAM. 87 consecutive NY Times Bestsellers.

Question - When is the right time to buy a house?

The time is never right to buy a house because a house is the stupidest thing you can buy. Houses don't move and don't have anything to do with computers, so why would a modern, dynamic, tech saavy new adult like me even want one? I mean, a first generation iPod is more powerful than a house. The only thing you can plug into a house is a charger to charge your computers. Cut out the middle man, man! Until houses come fully wired, I'd prefer to avoid them altogether.

Question - Should I buy, or lease a car?

Neither. No one needs to leave their computer anymore because of the Internet. If I want to drive to say, Cairo RIGHT NOW, I can so with a quick image search in my favourite search engine. Hmm, let's see...I'm hungry! Typical human problem. I guess I should drive my Pontiac over to the farmstead for some onions. The problem? It'll take a full hour. With my computer I can order Pizza or chicken right to my door.

Question - When's the right time to have kids?

The best time to have kids is when a historical moment happens. That way, you'll never forget about your kids because you associate them with something totally special. If my partner's eggs were ripe enough, I'd take full advantage and fertilize her in time for the Royal Wedding coming up in a couple of weeks. When he or she or it is born and starts pooing all over your stereo, you can still manage to crack a smile because you remember that it was born on a wonderful day.

Isn't it beautiful seeing life being handled with such ease? I feel like Parker Lewis over here!

No comments:

Blog Directory by Blog Flux