May 4, 2012


It rained yesterday and as I got into my rainy day routine, I noticed that it differed substantially from what would be classified as a "classic rainy day". We've been so busy noodlin' around on our computers that we didn't even notice this great loss. But hey, without Internet technology I wouldn't be able to properly set the tone of what you're about to read using this viral video of one the world's foremost adult entertainers:

I find tears induced by Madonna are best digested with a finger of vermouth and half a cup of your favourite tapenade.Now that the mood is set, prepare to face your innermost desires:

Modern Rainy Days vs. Classic Rainy Days


Curl up in a blanket with a good book and a cup of tea

This element essentially formed the basis of Wolfgang Petersen's, 1984's, Paramount Pictures', "The Neverending Story", which follows a young boy reading through a big book while hiding in his school's dungeon as a storm rages outside. If memory serves, he doesn't drink tea, but he did eat an apple and a sandwich because his baby mouth was too soft for any temperature above room, but it doesn't matter, what you're reading is strictly for entertainment purposes. Were to digest any of the whack truth I've been sermonizing over the past twenty-teen four years, you'd probably be King of the Bayou by now (not a desirable position to find oneself in. Two words: gator wife).

Anyway, the reason why blankets, tea and books pair so well with rain is because rain is wet and cold and all those other things are dry and cold, except for tea which is traditionally served sopping wet.


Lie down in the tanning bed with a smartphone and a whole pack of gum

We're so good at shit these days that we managed to take the power of the sun and turn it into a bed and not even in space. On rainy, cold days we love nothing more than get radiated. To obtain the perfect dark yellow tan, one needs at least an hour in the bed, so we usually bring our smartphones in with us to pass the time by calling everyone we know with the riddle, "I'm in a bed with no pillows and blankets, where am I?". What's perfectly toned skin without perfectly toned muscles? That's where the gum comes in. Celebs have been chewing and eating gum to build jaws and slim down, respectively, for years, and there's something about the pitter patter of rain drops that makes an entire blister pack of Excel go down extra smooooooth.


Make a pot of soup

Again, rain cold, soup hot. Also, making soup is an indoor activity and the only people who go outside in the rain are detectives.


Make Tacos

The soup industry took a big hit once the recipes of the fabled city of Old El Paso were uncovered in 1992 by the General Mills Corporation.


Sit in the garage and watch the storm

I used to do this with my dad and it was really relaxing, almost like watching TV.


Sit in the basement and watch blu rays

There are blu rays that just show the best rain in the world.


Give the kids a bath

Kids these days always get freaked out when they find out that water used to cost more than root beer, and that a rainy day would regularly boost the economy. Besides giving the kids a bath, housewives would also do the dishes and the laundry outside, which could get dangerous if a son was mistaken for a bowl. It wasn't until after WWII that sunny days became the weather of choice for most North Americans.


Punish the kids

Kids fuckin hate rain because their damn Gameboys don't work out there. The most common form of modern discipline is sending the kids out while it's raining. This one dad got in big time trouble for leaving his six year old out for two hours. Not only did the boy get a nasty cold, but his skin melted into little drips because of all the acid in the rain (acid rain). He's now known as "Drippy" one of Portland's top male burlesque dancers.


Go have a cry

There's a heart-wrenching scene in "Ernest Goes To Camp" where these bad kids terrorize Ernest to the point where he just can't help but cry. He then sings a song about how rain is good because it hides one's tears. Beautiful. For this reason, rainy days used to be the horniest days of the year because sad singles everywhere would try to hide their tears by going outside. They'd either run into a fellow lonely heart and bonk by the sewers, or be pursued by sly horn dogs who knew what was up. 


Go have a sweat

Just replace "cry" with "sweat" up there.


Get all cutesy and go kiss your sweetheart

This was the sexiest thing you could do back then. It could have something to do with the fact that mouths were generally drier and rain acted as a lubricant. Rich folk would smear a tablespoon of Quaker State on their lips, but the poor had to rely on precipitation and its cousin, mud.


Make a porno

Teachers used to prohibit recess on rainy days because moisture has no place in education, but nowadays they're not allowed to go out in the rain for fear the kids will have sex. 97% of all modern pornography is filmed in the rain and when you see one without rain, it's not that it's not there, it's just that they've digitally removed it.

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