WAIT I DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO SCREAM INTO YOUR MOUTH

A letter to the actor who's playing me in a movie

Dear Actor,

Congratulations on landing the role of Glenn Macaulay in James Cameron's upcoming "Mississauga Boy", the adaptation of my autobiography, "One Head, Two Arms, Two Legs, Two Eyes, Two Ears, One Mouth, A Million Dreams, One Bed, One Fridge, Three Coats". I'm Glenn Macaulay, the inspiration for the Glenn Macaulay in the film. I know how hard it is to be an actor because I've dabbled in it myself, but you probably already know that because you read about it in the script. By the way, the part where I kiss Kirsten Dunst on the set of Bring it On because her mom asked me to was fabricated for entertainment purposes. Anyway, because I know what you're about to go through, I thought I'd provide some insight into my physical and mental nature to make your job a bit easier.

Don't read this the wrong way. I don't want to tell you how to do your job because I hate that, which you probably already know if you've read the part in the script where a rich man tries to tell me how to pour chlorine during my summer job at the pool store. You ever pour chlorine? It's like pumping gas except it turns everything white and it eats your clothes. Sounds like Michael Jackson to me!

By now you've probably noticed that I have a really good sense of humour. From what Jim has told me, you're not that funny but you did watch Spaceballs once with some kids you were babysitting, which is a good start. Just try farting more and concentrate on the fact that there's gas coming out of a part of your body that squares don't like talking about, and the laughs should follow. 

I made a little cheat sheet that you can glue to your thigh for easy reference while on set. Don't worry, I don't expect anything in return (another hint!), but I do believe in Karma, so you'll probably want to do something nice for me in return or else I'll use the eye melting curse my guru taught me. It doesn't literally melt your eyes but it will feel like someone poured vinegar and bourbon all up in there.

Animal I resemble -- Billy Goat

Accent I use -- Southern Ontario on the nose with just a hint of a sort of smoky, pre-1812 Western Illinois

Favourite gesture -- Bunt sign used by the third base coach of the 1987 Cincinnati Reds (touch brim, yank right earlobe, yank left earlobe, dust pants, rub right arm, honk nose, wink twice)

Favourite saying -- "Come on, give it back"

Sitting style -- Currently a feminine cross-leg with a casual hands behind head

Eating style -- Pedal to the metal

Fingernail cut -- medium daggers

Burp speed -- mach 1

Internet Browser -- Firefox

Just have fun with the role! I'll be on set the whole time to make sure you're doing it right, but I'll only give you notes when absolutely necessary, or unless you start to piss me off. Lucky for you, (and you probably already know this) I don't anger easily unless someone is portraying me incorrectly. I once punched a dog who was unsuccessfully imitating my patented dance move "The Big 'Ol Thing". 

Peace and love for all environments,

The Real Glenn