THIS IS COOL

"Could I talk to you for a second?"

I've been watching season 2 of NBC's "Friday Night Lights" and I noticed something that bothered me. Don't get me wrong, I really like this show, so don't accuse me of being a huge dickhead.

You know in movies and TV shows when two people are talking and another character comes in and this happens:

Person 1- So I ate the burger and then drank a shake
Person 2 - That sounds deeeelicious. Now yesterday I made a pie with...

(Enter Person 3, who wants to talk to Person 2, but didn't expect Person 1 to be there)

Person 3 - Oh... hi guys
Person 1 - Hi Dave, how are you?
Person 2 - Hi dear, what's going on?
Person 3 - Excuse me Person 1, could I have a word with Person 2?
Person 1 - Oh, yeah sure. Give me a call later okay?
Person 2 - Okay, see you

(Exit person 1)

Person 2 - So what's up?

This happens about three times each episode. Thinking back, I don't think I've ever been in this situation. I've never been forced out of a conversation by someone who needs to talk to the person I'm talking to already. The word "person" is funny after you've typed it a million times. So did that make sense? I don't get why writers don't just start the scene with the two important people talking. Gee whiz guy.

I also used to be really puzzled as to why in TV and film the actors always drink iced tea with dinner. Look closely and you'll see. But the last couple of times I've been abroad, I realized that Americans drink iced tea like Marty McFly drinks Pepsi. There's pitchers of it everywhere! MYTH BUSTED. So I'd like to appologize to the MPAA for accusing you of over-serving iced tea at dinner.

WRITER'S CRAFT

When I'm bored at work I sometimes try to write a funny script using what my teacher called the "stream-of-conciousness" technique. I wrote the following on May 23rd 2006 according to the email I sent myself. It's not very good, but nothing interesting has happened to me lately, so it'll tide you dumb-dumbs over for a few days. There was that giant fire that happened right around the corner from me on Queen St. but that's only interesting to those who live in Toronto and I like to think that I have fans allllll over the world, including Russia and Namibia (I wish!). The following script has more of an international flavour, like roti or salsa hamburgers, so everyone can enjoy it equally. This blog is going to be the Olympics of the Internet, where all nations come together to play sports and win medals. They probably also bang in the Athlete's Village and have multi-ethnic children. Okay, enough already, right? Here's the script, that I will dub "The Adventure of the Meat Man Derrick".

(In a cool restaurant)
man - I think I'll have beef brisket, I hear it's really good here
woman - Ohhh that sounds just wonderful. I was going to get potatoes but I think I'll get beef brisket too
man - Great choice. I bet we won't be disapointed.
woman - heheeh let's hope so. Thanks so much for taking me out Derrick
man- The pleasure is all this guy's mmmhmm yeah, would you like some more water?
woman - no thanks, I'm still working on glass number one. I'll let you know if I want more.
man - Well I'd prefer to fill your glass right now.
woman - Derrick, you're making me uncomfortable
man - listen lady, you're going to drink more water and you're going to like it. It's good for you and it's refreshing. There is no negative to drinking it
woman - I think I want to leave, you're scaring me
man - Haunted houses and ghouls are scary, I'm real baby, authentic 100%. Now drink up before I get upset.
woman - you already are upset Derrick, I'm leaving!
man - You're not leaving until you drink this. Real simple Tracey. Real simple.
woman - okay! fine! you're such a jerk. (drinks) there. you happy?
Lights go out
another person comes on stage
guy - As it turns out, Tracey was a monster who was going to kill everyone in the restaurant. her only weakness was water. Derrick is actually an immortal knight sort of like Highlander whose purpose was to track and kill the monster. It took millenia and several identities but Derrick finally accomplished his task on May 9th 2006 at Mandarin Chinese Buffet in Mississauga. Following his successful kill, Derrick retired to Montreal where he lived forever.


Watch out 'The Oscars', there's a new Ben Affleck man in town who'll win best screenplay. Speaking of which, tune into the 145th running of the Academy Awards, starting at 3pm this Sunday only on CBC, the nation's station.

NOTHING SUBSTANTIAL

Last week's caption contest was a HUGE success. I'd like to annouce the winner:

Scott Flart of Aukland, New Zealand, who wrote to me via "Snail" Mail and provided the following:

"We both pooed our pants wararawawarararara."

Thanks Scott and all our contestants!

Here is your quote of the day brought to you by Gatorade and Converse Shoes Incorporated. It's from 1996's "Fear", the story of a goody two shoes who starts dating a real bad boy who doesn't get along with her dad:

Nicole Walker (Reese Witherspoon): Isn't this the car they stopped making 'cause it, I don't know, blows up or something?
David McCall (Mark Wahlberg): Guess that's why I got her.

He smokes, he drinks and he ONLY buys cars that have a tendency to blow up. That was fun. See you tomorrow.

FRIDAY FUN CAPTION CONTEST

Every Friday February 8th, I like to have some fun! This time it's one of those fun caption contests that other magazines and websites do. Ready? Let's do it!



"When Stu's wife found out Stu had Alzheimer's, she was so upset that she forgot about the pie in the oven and it was a bummer"

Now you try!

TAKE THE SUIT ROUTE

The other day I took a big step into manhood and purchased my first real suit. I say "real" because I have in fact bought a suit before, but that was in grade 11 and I bought it from Value Village. The pants don't fit at all. Since my friends have started getting married, I figured adding a new suit my fashion file couldn't hurt, unless I bought one made out of spikes!!!! hahahahahaha, or porcupines. HAHAAHAHAHA I'D LIKE TO SEE THAT!

I went with my pal Andy to "Tom's Place" in Kensington Market, a store which our friend Andrew referred to as "pricier than Moore's but they have nicer suits. Moore's is for businessmen." The word "pricier" scared us a little, but Tom's has a big sign in their window that says "4 suits for 1". We found out that this basically means that you can choose from a select group of suits and get 75% off the sticker price. This is cool news for two guys who don't like paying for things, so we got down to it and started shopping.

The old man who was helping us at first seemed pretty cool. I'd much rather buy my suit from an old man rather than a slimeball dick head who goes to clubs all the time and who drives a car that's stupid, you know? But the old man turned out to be a bit of a dick himself, as he seemed unwilling to put up with our lack of suit knowledge and our modest budgets. Even when we tried to learn things by asking questions he sort of rambled on as if he didn't have time for our bullcrap. He did manage to tell a cool story about the Queen but then got mad at Andy because he wasn't picking a suit fast enough. I managed to get away from him, but managed attracted an old saleswoman, hellbent on making commision that day, who ended up helping me find the eventual winner. Is this boring? I can't tell.

I ended up getting a grey suit with a checkered pattern. I wasn't wild about it when I saw it but when I tried it on, I felt like James Bond on prom night and my date was the dorky girl that got hot and I was the only one who noticed. It's being tailored right now and I sort of forget what it looks like, which kind of scares me because I might get it back and hate it. I think it kind of looks like Pee-Wee Herman's suit. I ended up spending more that I was going to, but I'm not sweatin' it because my stocks have been doing well lately and frozen pizzas are on sale at Dominion. I get to wear my new ensemble at a wedding on Saturday, and if I look as good as I did in the store, the bride will probably fall for me and we'll run away to San Francisco together and start a new life as husband and wife sportscasters for the 49ers until we retire to Fort Lauderdale in 2030. COOL!
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WHAT SHOULD YOU DO TOMORROW?

Go to a restaurant and order something that's not on the menu. If they make it for you, hold up the menu and say, "Then what's the point of THIS fucking thing?!" If they don't make if for you then they passed the test. After your meal, buy some new shoes and complement the salesperson of their pants and their wallet. Don't stay up all night working out!