BLUE JAYS GAME

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I ate a sausage on a bun from a street vendor today and I'm paying the price. Currency: DIARRHEA

When I was eating it I KNEW this was going to happen. Question is, was it the bun? The sausage itself? The weird onions I put on? The sweet corn?

I thought I detected mold on the bun but I picked it off and threw it to a sparrow to eat. That sparrow might be dead now for all I know. War is tough brother.

I can remember two times during my childhood when I lost control of my bowels and my bladder. Of course, there were several others, but these two stick out. First a pee story:

I was at a T-Ball tournament and for some reason I pissed my pants. I was a really shy kid and from what I can remember this park didn't have bathrooms, although it did have a forest, which I guess I was too embarrased to use. So I pissed my pants in the middle of the game and I had been called up to an older team so I really didn't want this to get out. Someone asked me why my pants were wet, I had to think fast. There was a guy on the team who was a bit of a joker so I said that he'd been running around spilling Gatorade all over the place and that I was an innocent victim. It worked man.

Now for a poo story

I was at Cub Scout camp and we were all out on a hike around the campground or something. Again, I was too shy and embarassed to say I had to take a dump (even though my dad was a cub leader) so I basically shit my pants. When we got back to our camp, I went into action. I got into my tent, stripped down and put the shitty pants into a garbage bag. My memory is a little foggy at this point because I remember throwing the bag into the woods under the cover of night, but that clearly didn't happen because when we got home and the old man was unloading the car with my sister they found the bag and made fun of me for a long time.

Incidents like this made me so scared that I'd piss/shit myself that every time I'd go somewhere public I'd immediately scan for the nearest bathroom option. I think I still do actually, like at bars and at other people's houses. It's just comforting is all.

That was gross!

The other night I was working on a project and I re-discovered Mad Libs. If you're silly like me, you'll still enjoy them. TRUST GUY. You can find them on the Internet and I recommend taking some time on them and using the word 'boner' a lot. Here's one I just filled out (my words are bolded):

Letter from Ima Wolf

Dear Kids,

I just want to set the record straight for you. Wolves are great animals, and for reasons you may not be aware of, we wolves get a bad rap. Every time someone gets eaten or something is stolen, who gets blamed? Wolves, that's who. Wolves aren't shitty. In fact, we're quite stupid.

I'm a wolf, and I don't steal! I give things away. Every year, I donate boobs to the Fart Retirement Home. And I've never Farted anyone in my life. All I do is dig merrily through the forest. Of course, once in a while, I like to mow a boner. You can't blame me for wanting to have some fun! And, as for eating anyone, that's a fairy tale. All I ever eat are poo berries.

I know how the rumors got started. This kid, I think her name is Little brown fuckinghood, started saying terrible things about me. wow!! She even accused me of shoving her grandmother. That's a lie! Her grandmother is too ugly for me. And as I said, I don?t eat people!

If you ever hear Little brown fuckinghood, or anyone else for that matter, saying something blunt about wolves, please defend me. I need all the help I can get.

Your friend,Ima Wolf


That was okay, right?

Don't judge me.


Tonight, go get some damn ice cream, it's great!