July 28, 2008
BAM BAM BIGELOW'S DAD RICHARD
When I read the news in the morning I always hope that the headline is going to be about aliens. Why don't you? You probably wash your face with shampoo and cut your toe nails with expensive knives that do a really good job and you don't let your kids use it but if your boss asked you'd give it to him and then not buy a new one. You probably eat ribs with no sauce. Right? Right? YEAH
July 21, 2008
THAT SHIT SONG
Today was a bad day man. Not bad like sad but just full of downs not ups. Not even huge downs really. Lately I've been trying hard not to take my relatively simple and tragedy-free life for granted, so if you're reading this in a war zone or something, you've been warned that what constitutes a bad day for me probably isn't that bad in the grand scheme of thingies.
In retrospect, the day started off pretty good. An area of my gums has been irritated for the last week and a half, ever since I saw Hellboy 2 and had a piece of popcorn stuck in my teeth for the whole movie. I thought I'd got it all out the day of, but today I removed a large shard. Needless to say, my gums have improved. So thumbs up to that. I felt like that lion who gets that mouse to take the thorn out of his face in that totally fake story that parents tell you so you don't turn racist.
My next move before work was to ride over to a local walk-in clinic so I could get another tube of prescription butt cream (no joke guy). I estimated this would take about 20 minutes based on the proximity of the clinic, my history with wait times at other walk-in clinics and the fact that all I needed to do was convince the doctor to write me a prescription to cure my butt. She didn't have to check me out or anything. I know my butt sucks.
I get there and sign in and there's maybe 3 or 4 people ahead of me. Not too bad. But I soon realized that this particular walk-in clinic is a pile of garbage and that all patients who enter spend an average of 20 minutes in the examination room. Couple that with the fact that there seemed to only be one doctor on duty, and you've got a shitty boring wait in an office with no magazines or televisions.
Then this babe with HUGE BOOBS enters and somehow her name gets called before myself and the two people that were before me! Normally I'd equate this to the fact that the girl had HUGE BOOBS but the office was run by women by no means seemed gay, although who I am to know right? Even still. Not fair.
So I was in the office for an hour and I knew that because I was in there for so long I wouldn't have time to eat anything before I went to work so I got even madder. At my breaking point I finally got in there and convinced the doctor to make with the cream. At one point she said "Well I won't need to examine you, so that's good", implying that I was lucky. SHE'S the lucky one. It's my butt. What do I care? You're the one that's going in.
I rushed home, took a shower and went to work.
Later on in the day I found out that the landlord who owns the house I'm close to renting is crazy and wants me and my girlfriend to fix the deck and all this other stupid stuff and he hasn't even decided if we'll be the ones who get the place.
Then right after I found out I'm not getting this job that I was in the running for.
So in one day I got really mad, might've lost an apartment and lost a job. On the bright side of things, my butt will be better and my gums are back to normal. Once I was really mad after work one day and I was passing the Air Canada Centre after a Neil Young concert and I was riding next to a tour bus and I had a fantasy that Neil would think I was cool just by watching me ride my bike and that he'd stop the bus and invite me in for a jam session and a couple of beers. Had that happened today I would've pooed.
Time for chips!
In retrospect, the day started off pretty good. An area of my gums has been irritated for the last week and a half, ever since I saw Hellboy 2 and had a piece of popcorn stuck in my teeth for the whole movie. I thought I'd got it all out the day of, but today I removed a large shard. Needless to say, my gums have improved. So thumbs up to that. I felt like that lion who gets that mouse to take the thorn out of his face in that totally fake story that parents tell you so you don't turn racist.
My next move before work was to ride over to a local walk-in clinic so I could get another tube of prescription butt cream (no joke guy). I estimated this would take about 20 minutes based on the proximity of the clinic, my history with wait times at other walk-in clinics and the fact that all I needed to do was convince the doctor to write me a prescription to cure my butt. She didn't have to check me out or anything. I know my butt sucks.
I get there and sign in and there's maybe 3 or 4 people ahead of me. Not too bad. But I soon realized that this particular walk-in clinic is a pile of garbage and that all patients who enter spend an average of 20 minutes in the examination room. Couple that with the fact that there seemed to only be one doctor on duty, and you've got a shitty boring wait in an office with no magazines or televisions.
Then this babe with HUGE BOOBS enters and somehow her name gets called before myself and the two people that were before me! Normally I'd equate this to the fact that the girl had HUGE BOOBS but the office was run by women by no means seemed gay, although who I am to know right? Even still. Not fair.
So I was in the office for an hour and I knew that because I was in there for so long I wouldn't have time to eat anything before I went to work so I got even madder. At my breaking point I finally got in there and convinced the doctor to make with the cream. At one point she said "Well I won't need to examine you, so that's good", implying that I was lucky. SHE'S the lucky one. It's my butt. What do I care? You're the one that's going in.
I rushed home, took a shower and went to work.
Later on in the day I found out that the landlord who owns the house I'm close to renting is crazy and wants me and my girlfriend to fix the deck and all this other stupid stuff and he hasn't even decided if we'll be the ones who get the place.
Then right after I found out I'm not getting this job that I was in the running for.
So in one day I got really mad, might've lost an apartment and lost a job. On the bright side of things, my butt will be better and my gums are back to normal. Once I was really mad after work one day and I was passing the Air Canada Centre after a Neil Young concert and I was riding next to a tour bus and I had a fantasy that Neil would think I was cool just by watching me ride my bike and that he'd stop the bus and invite me in for a jam session and a couple of beers. Had that happened today I would've pooed.
Time for chips!
July 15, 2008
SOCKS IT TO ME
Last weekend I went on "vacation" to my girlfriend's dad's house in Sarnia Ontario along with two of my best friends. If I were to ask you, the reader, what you assumed we did all weekend, you'd probably say something like this:
- BBQ'd
- few board games
- few dvd's
- pastas
- drove around town
You're wrong you GULCH!!! AHAHAHAHAHAH
This is what happened:
- swimming
- boating
- BBQ'd
- fries
- jet skis
- Motley Crue concert
- Bocce Ball
I guess that isn't too far off from what you assumed, but come on man, Motley Crue and jet skis. At the show I saw a guy get beat up really bad and then I urged him to "seek medical attention". Instead he went back and got head-butted like a common ram, or that dinosaur that rams with its concrete head.
It was pointed out to me during this weekend that I don't seem to like walking around in bare feet. I can't argue with this. Here are the reasons why:
- Socks are a luxury that most can afford. I don't take socks for granted. Think of this way - would you rather walk around with a shirt or be bare all day long? If you have muscles you probably would want to be bare. But feet don't get muscles right? My feet are probably just as strong as Hulk Hogan's. Feet are the universal equalizer.
- Another reason is because when I was 19 or so, I developed in-grown toe nails. The doctor's orders? "Wear shoes that fit you and keep your toe nails trimmed longer than usual". So I'm walking around with some pretty long toe nails that I don't really want people to be checking out, EVEN THOUGH I have an excuse at the ready.
- When you're at the beach, it's easy to forget that your feet require that same sun protection as the rest of your skin (face, arms, dong if it's out), so I simply wear shoes and socks. I also hate sand. It's not that good unless you're on the silky beaches of the tropics.
- Wearing sandals and flip floppies are annoying and generally uncomfortable. Admittedly, I've started rocking them if I'm close to water and beaches, but as soon as I hit the streets, the shoes are coming on
I'm going to go to the bathroom now probably. I usually find my time in the bathroom to be a time of reflection you know? LET'S POO
- BBQ'd
- few board games
- few dvd's
- pastas
- drove around town
You're wrong you GULCH!!! AHAHAHAHAHAH
This is what happened:
- swimming
- boating
- BBQ'd
- fries
- jet skis
- Motley Crue concert
- Bocce Ball
I guess that isn't too far off from what you assumed, but come on man, Motley Crue and jet skis. At the show I saw a guy get beat up really bad and then I urged him to "seek medical attention". Instead he went back and got head-butted like a common ram, or that dinosaur that rams with its concrete head.
It was pointed out to me during this weekend that I don't seem to like walking around in bare feet. I can't argue with this. Here are the reasons why:
- Socks are a luxury that most can afford. I don't take socks for granted. Think of this way - would you rather walk around with a shirt or be bare all day long? If you have muscles you probably would want to be bare. But feet don't get muscles right? My feet are probably just as strong as Hulk Hogan's. Feet are the universal equalizer.
- Another reason is because when I was 19 or so, I developed in-grown toe nails. The doctor's orders? "Wear shoes that fit you and keep your toe nails trimmed longer than usual". So I'm walking around with some pretty long toe nails that I don't really want people to be checking out, EVEN THOUGH I have an excuse at the ready.
- When you're at the beach, it's easy to forget that your feet require that same sun protection as the rest of your skin (face, arms, dong if it's out), so I simply wear shoes and socks. I also hate sand. It's not that good unless you're on the silky beaches of the tropics.
- Wearing sandals and flip floppies are annoying and generally uncomfortable. Admittedly, I've started rocking them if I'm close to water and beaches, but as soon as I hit the streets, the shoes are coming on
I'm going to go to the bathroom now probably. I usually find my time in the bathroom to be a time of reflection you know? LET'S POO
July 4, 2008
NOBODY DRIVES CARS ANYMORE
Happy 4th of July to all the people who live in America today. Quite frankly, I don't really care because I'm a proud Canadian and we shouldn't really give a damn right? I mean France doesn't celebrate Germany's birthday and Sweden doesn't send flowers over to Finland, so big deal. If you're a fan of this blog you're probably saying, "But Glenn, how come you didn't say anything when it was Canada Day a few days ago?" First of all, stay out of my business and second of all I'm sorry about saying that and it was only because I was busy that day.
Let's get to it!
In the news:
MAN EATS POPCORN
A dude from Quebec ate some popcorn yesterday for the first time in three years. "I forgot how good this shit is. It's really easy to make too." When reached for comment, his wife said, "I'm still not buying popcorn. If he wants it he can buy if himself." The next day the man went shopping for groceries and forgot to buy popcorn and forgot all about it. He went back to chips without missing a beat. "Overall chips have great crunch and come in all different flavours. Are they my favourite food? I hate to admit it, but yeah probably. I wish my favourite was spinach you know?! AHHAAHAHAHAHAHAH like a Popeye."
- Associated Press
WORD OF THE DAY FRIDAY
"Milk"
Summer is now in full swing and I haven't gone swimming yet. The best was when you were a kid and you went swimming in a really good pool and you had a really good scuba mask so you spent as much time as you could under water seeing crystal clear. That's how I like to use a pool. I do that and I use a diving board. I don't like playing around in the pool with others. I especially hate it when people flirt in pools. It's probably because I was too much of a dweebus to do so myself during the teenage years when pool flirting was at its apex. I was the worst flirt guy in the world. I once kicked a girl because I liked her in grade five or something.
BUT NOT NOW BABY
I'm a babe magnet pretty much. All I have to do is stick my head out the window and five minutes later I'll have had four kisses at least. When I go to the mall I have to wear sunglasses so that the babes don't follow me around. I hate when that happens. Especially when I'm trying to eat New York Fries. My naked body is worth more than the Sphinx because of the theory of supply and demand; There's only one of me and billions of ladies out there. I haven't paid for a drink since 2001. My butt rules.
The above are the lyrics to the song "Great Guy" off an album I'm working on. It sort of sounds like "Little Deuce Coupe" but with more organ.
Okay, I'll leave your internet now. I've got stuff to do. After all, IT'S FRIDAY PIE DAY
Let's get to it!
In the news:
MAN EATS POPCORN
A dude from Quebec ate some popcorn yesterday for the first time in three years. "I forgot how good this shit is. It's really easy to make too." When reached for comment, his wife said, "I'm still not buying popcorn. If he wants it he can buy if himself." The next day the man went shopping for groceries and forgot to buy popcorn and forgot all about it. He went back to chips without missing a beat. "Overall chips have great crunch and come in all different flavours. Are they my favourite food? I hate to admit it, but yeah probably. I wish my favourite was spinach you know?! AHHAAHAHAHAHAHAH like a Popeye."
- Associated Press
WORD OF THE DAY FRIDAY
"Milk"
Summer is now in full swing and I haven't gone swimming yet. The best was when you were a kid and you went swimming in a really good pool and you had a really good scuba mask so you spent as much time as you could under water seeing crystal clear. That's how I like to use a pool. I do that and I use a diving board. I don't like playing around in the pool with others. I especially hate it when people flirt in pools. It's probably because I was too much of a dweebus to do so myself during the teenage years when pool flirting was at its apex. I was the worst flirt guy in the world. I once kicked a girl because I liked her in grade five or something.
BUT NOT NOW BABY
I'm a babe magnet pretty much. All I have to do is stick my head out the window and five minutes later I'll have had four kisses at least. When I go to the mall I have to wear sunglasses so that the babes don't follow me around. I hate when that happens. Especially when I'm trying to eat New York Fries. My naked body is worth more than the Sphinx because of the theory of supply and demand; There's only one of me and billions of ladies out there. I haven't paid for a drink since 2001. My butt rules.
The above are the lyrics to the song "Great Guy" off an album I'm working on. It sort of sounds like "Little Deuce Coupe" but with more organ.
Okay, I'll leave your internet now. I've got stuff to do. After all, IT'S FRIDAY PIE DAY
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