April 22, 2010



On one hand, Earth Day is a reasonable idea. It reminds Earth's humans and ultra-smart parrots that we should make an effort to keep the planet clean and sort of frozen. I'm no Smoggy, but I don't bend over backwards for Mother Earth because it is my right as a human of the future to enjoy every convenience this time period has to offer, regardless of its "carbon footprint", "ecological tattoo" or "environmental earring".

The soccer ball represents Earth and the player represents all other planets. Utter domination by Earth.

I think it's natural for us to suck the Earth dry and then fly our soon-to-be-invented star cruisers to the next planet, but the Cheech's and Chongs over at Greenpeace will try to tell you that we're smarter than that. I guess it pretty much comes down to a simple battle between good and evil -- we can continue to use our superior brains to keep making stuff that browns up the planet, or we can think of ways to preserve it and maybe turn it into a better place, like Avatar's Pandora or Florida's Tampa Bay.

This diagram shows the best spots to fish are closest to the power plant

I think cooler heads will prevail unless someone invents something that pollutes the shit out of everything, but is so cool that we just have to use it, which will probably be some sort of flying vehicle or reasonably priced submarine. The same thing happened when cars came out, although no one really knew that exhaust was a bad thing. In fact, many Britons would save exhaust fumes and infuse them in their Sunday roasts thinking they were simply magic clouds capable of adding vigour and sex drive to one's life. This set British cuisine back several years and made exhaust the most 3rd most popular "thing" in Europe behind cars themselves and wristwatches.

Instead of writing all that I should've just put up this picture

In conclusion, don't worry about Earth Day because you're probably not smart enough to change anything. If you are a scientist and you're debating whether to build a dolphin powered eco-sphere or a wood burning rocket sled that has a tendency to kill birds when it flies, just follow your heart. Either way we'll figure something out. When Hitler got too big, we ganged up and took him out, and when we got bored with TV we invented Internet, so I'm pretty sure whatever happens we'll be okay.

This would be a good time to remind TV producers of my pro-environment pilot called "EnvyRonMental" about a mega rich oil tycoon named Ron Mental who is forced to green up his company when his wife threatens to leave him if he doesn't. It's really funny.

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