April 26, 2010



Spring is a pretty great time for me -- it's my birthday season and I have so little natural insulation that I can really use the extra heat. Plus, the spring months are all named after the first babes of civilization -- April, who was a nerdy girl who got hot in late high school and eventually married a film director, May, who was a bit of tomboy, but had a smokin' bod that she let the boys see during pool parties, and June who was so hot that until she was created men were as attracted to cats as they were to women. Here are some things you can expect to deal with this spring:

Robins - These red-titted birds are one of the first signs of "cheesin' season". They make nests out of our daintiest garbage, and lay beautiful blue eggs that make human mothers wish they weren't mammals. Robins are only good until May starts, at which point we remember how much better blue jays and cardinals are.

Baseball - The professional leagues of Earth's most embarrassing sport starts up in May, allowing a select group of men to sit and stand around on a field instead of a mansion until winter sets in again. Don't get me wrong, I played baseball for several years, but it wasn't because of the action and excitement, I did it for the hats and Gatorade.

Sex - Once the dicks of Earth's creatures thaw out after a long winter of hiding somewhere that I don't know where, they like to have sex apparently. Dubbed "spring fever" I think, most animals except us, dolphins and some cool rhinos have sex not for pleasure, but to ensure the survival of their species. Because of this they need to derive pleasure elsewhere - bears eat honey, monkeys do stunts, ants make cute little movies and wolves just fuckin' roll.

April Showers Bring May Flowers - What the government won't tell you is that May flowers don't even need April showers. The real saying, that was banned in 1971 because it made too many girls take their shirts off, was "If you got a hose, your flowers will grow".

Just have some fun this spring season and don't go see a movie in the theatre unless your favourite critics and your best friends recommend it.

1 comment:

Highwaisted said...

once the dick's thaw out. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH oh man. that was perfect.

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