March 24, 2011



The film is about a girl from the Valley who falls in love with a man not from the Valley, which spells bad news for the girl's social status but good news for the man's boner index. I don't know what happens in the last part of this movie because I fell asleep. While I was awake, I had trouble understanding the dialogue, not because I don't understand Valley, but because the sound on this DVD was horrendous. It didn't help that I've been trying really hard not to hear lately because this goddamn bird keeps chirping right outside my window every morning at 8:30am, so it was hard for me to go back into 'listening intently' mode.

There were quite a few shots of bare breasts, and some good old fashioned 80's fun, but as a whole I didn't really like this movie. Nicholas Cage is supposed be this bad boy hunk, but he comes across as more of a gawky brush-headed weenis whose teeth were unfortunately still years away from being veneered. The ladies of the film do a good job being naive, sexy, 25 year old looking teenagers, but the aforementioned is as easy to come by in movies as wet pavement and angry police chiefs.

But who am I to lambast a movie aimed at teenaged girls that came out almost 30 years ago? Actually, if you were to ask anyone who's played the "Movie Game" with me they'd tell you that's one of my areas of expertise. So eat shit and die Valley Girl. You wasted and hour or so of time I could've used to compile a list of local nerds I plan on laughing at.

Since I don't know how this movie ends, I'm going to guess:

The guy and the girl decide to keep seeing each other because of love. Then she realizes he's actually poor.

Everyone dances at the mall, even the pretzel guy with the mustache who is at first all like "hey!" then some babes grab him and he's like "hhhOOOOhhoooookay!"

Nic Cage gets a Valley makeover but no one recognizes him anymore so he moves to Texas and raises beef

Cage teaches the girl the word "menial" and she won't stop using it

The last line is Cage saying "That's why you're the Valley Girl and I'm the Mountain Dude"

The high school is playing a big football game and Cage runs on the field, eats the ball, then grabs the girl and spikes her in the end zone.

There's a spaghetti eating contest

The girl realizes he was one of the original Grousekateers and takes him back

I realized I haven't been sharing very much personal information with the Internet lately, so I gave you that tidbit about the bird to keep all the gossip hounds off my IP address.

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