March 1, 2012


Another February down the throat! It tasted like bile mixed with walnuts. That actually sums up February quite nicely because it basically boils down to:

Valentine's Day + RRSP Deadline = February

With everyone swappin' bile on V-Day and putting as many walnuts as they can into their RRSPs, we have a perfectly harmonious February equation.

I hope that made as much sense to you as it did to me while I was half asleep in the bathtub, listening to the audiobook of Christopher Pike's latest teen thriller, "".

Let's look ahead to March:

March is a gateway month. I don't mean that if you try a hit, you'll end up hooked on November by the time December rolls around, it doesn't work like that. I mean that once you step through March's hideous mouth, full of jagged teeth with remnants of winter's bagels between them, April's soft, warm Uvula is waiting to bat you around like an infant in a maze of speed bags.

I'm so glad I was born in April. Sometimes if I'm feeling down, I remember that I was born in a month that is universally loved, from school children who like drawing bunnies, to religious dudettes who cry softly, light candles and put on some Babyface while reflecting on the life of their main man Jesus, to the Crow who can't wait for April showers to make him sad enough to get out there and do the best damn job he can.

Let's see what's in the news:

Windows 8 is about to come out. I should update, I'm still using Doors '89.

The Monkees' Davy Jones died. Did you know he was going to be a jockey before someone realized little girls would want to have sex with him?

It's Justin Bieber's 18th birthday. When you have a certain amount of money, you shouldn't even be allowed to celebrate birthdays because birthdays were invented so poor people have something to look forward to. Rich people even started the tradition of giving gifts, because they thought the old tradition of eating roast chicken while your loved ones each tell you a story, was too boring. Now poor people feel they have to give presents and most of the time, the birthday boy ends up disappointed because he wanted a villa just like Justin Bieber but instead gets some new Leafs pencils.

I hope at least some of this either made your day better or helped you to cheat on a test somehow. Just in case you are cheating, and it hasn't, here's some bonus material that may help:



Basketball Diaries starred Leo DiCaprio

> = greater than < = less than $ = no problems

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