March 14, 2012


I went to the hand therapist today and got two whole pages worth of exercises that should give me the strength I need to be able to put on my pants without saying "oohhhh come on.... SHIT... ohhhhhh".

Besides exercise, the other option was to join Team Toronto at this year's Special Thumb Wars, where those with damaged thumbs are able to participate in our national sport without the embarrassment of losing to someone with the thumbs of titan (regular thumbs). I just don't think I'm ready for that level of competition. I tried a simple hitchhike from the SkyDome to Chinatown and though I did get picked up, I wasn't offered any mints because my thumb didn't extend high enough to warrant a minting. Basically, I jumped the gun and I don't want it to happen again.

So, now that my general health is inching closer to 100%, I'm running out of time to use my disability as an excuse to do nothing.

I have to start generating some career "heat" so that I'll finally be able to move out of my parents' bathtub and into my parents' dog's cage, which resides in a pretty good basement of a house that's small with a big backyard.

I scribbled some notes down on a kid I was babysitting, and then had her transcribe them while I say in the La-Z-Boy and watched her old man's Rumpole DVDs. These notes will form the foundation of my pursuit of golden success.

Step 1 - Increase Visibility

I'm going to have to put greater effort into attending this city's hottest events. I made the mistake of skipping the Holt Renfrew's recent "A Salute to Rubies" soiree in favour of my favourite hot dog vendor's birthday. He didn't even know it was his own birthday and forgot who I was. I still got what I wanted, which is one of everything except double root beers.

Step 2 - Network

It's one thing to actually attend these events, but it's a whole other thing to socialize and make important contacts. I've made the mistake in the past of forgetting my business cards, instead kissing those who request them, because I feel my kisses are memorable and really represent what I stand for -- wet tongues and sexual excitement.

Step 3 - Personal Brand

You can't be a visible personality without knowing what your brand is. Mine is high octane, pedal to the medal adrenaline meets Beavis, and in order to be successful I have to represent this whenever I'm in the public eye. I've been pretty lax lately, displaying a brand that has more to do with bad clowns and harmless old cats.

If you see me on the street, don't hesitate to invite me to your next power lunch or coffee circle. It's time I stopped pretending I'm a helpless little elephant who only uses his trunk to poke and prod at my own poo. And if there are any stylists out there who might be into dressing a slim guy who wears the colour blue better than Robocop EVER did, please reach out to me before I forget that I asked.

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