March 6, 2012


Every now and then I get an email from someone who meant to send it to someone else. Usually, these emails are fairly run of the mill, subjects like "are you still pickling things?" and "I went to the doctor and she said I could stand to clean my arms". But I got one the other day that is the perfect marriage between a standard email from a loved one and nonsensical spam email from a guy named Hotball Discovery.

This particular piece was supposed to contain pictures, except the sender didn't know how to attach them, so it ended up showing these little grey boxes. At first glance I'd easily be able to figure out what the pictures were since there are captions, and the subject line for the email is "Potential cake images...". I figured I was about to read captions like "Here's that car from Cars", but to my delight, I got the following:

Subject: Potential cake images...

This is Chatsworth - or 'don't know' as Benjamin calls him!!!

This is Mtambo - who is from Africa and has a triangle light!!

This is Frostini.

I realise that it will probably be too hard to make a cake with these characters but see what you think!!!!

Lots of Love,

Sharon xxx

I'm going to try to guess what she's referring to.

Mystery #1 - "Chatsworth"

To make sure I won't embarrass myself, I checked to see if there are any popular children's cartoon characters named Chatsworth. There aren't any. If there were, this whole post would be ruined and you'd have to go back to volleyball practice instead of sitting in the bathroom stall with an iPad and a 12" Pizza Sub.

"Chatsworth" kind of sounds like an English butler, but the fact that Benjamin's nickname for him is "Don't know", means that perhaps he's more like The Blank from Dick Tracy or Dark Man from Dark Man. With this in mind, we end up with something like this:

I could see this being on the cake, with a caption like, "Happy Easter Benjamin, Can I get you anything? A soul perhaps?"

Mystery #2 - "Mtambo"

We get a bit more specific with this one, as we know Mtambo is from Africa and has a triangle light. I'm pretty sure that means the picture she meant to attach was Dikembe Mutombo in an Iron Man costume:

Mystery #3 - "Frostini"

Sharon provides not further clues, but this one is obviously an Italian snowman:

It also sounds like it could a hip hop slang term for cocaine.

Other things to consider:

I wouldn't be Toronto's leading private investigator and collector of Kool Aid man memorabilia if I didn't consider all angles. There is a possibility that this "Benjamin" is not a child, but a full grown man/sex slave. Notice how Sharon signs her name with an "xxx", the worldwide zip code for everything kinky. Perhaps Chatsworth, Mtambo and Frostini are simply names for Penises that Sharon has conquered.

In conclusion, this is probably a mystery best left unsolved. Until next time, I'm Donald Faison.

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