SOP SOME TEARS WITH RYE BREAD AND SERVE OVER WARM SPINACH

Like most shit in life, the recent heat wave has had its positives, negatives and so-so's. Pants have been put on national "do not sport" lists while radish farmers have become the country's newest millionaires. But at the end of the day, summer is about kids because popsicles are about kids and popsicles are about summer.

Since most kids don't have a water slide in their backyard, the majority have to look for wet fun elsewhere, which is where your local recreation centre comes in. The jewel of my community is the Coach Neck Del Martino Memorial Rec Centre, and I'd like to take you on a little tour!

Right outside the main entrance is a statue of the late coach that was erected last year thanks to the generous support of local businesses. Special shout outs to Nick's Barber Shop whose hair eating contest raised $25,000 dollars and made the next day's charity Barf Off a whole lot more interesting.

Just inside the entrance is the main foyer that was designed by Ms. Harver's 2nd grade class. The kids got to vote on the statues at the end of the hall and they chose Robert Pattinson and popular Toronto Maple Leafs defenseman, Tomas Kaberle. The floors are polished every hour by a robot named Gregory who wants nothing more than to be a professional angler. We don't treat him very well because quite frankly, he's not a real guy.

Oh, and there he is! The best administrator in town, Mike Moon. He keeps things running smooth and even fills the pool with a special water he makes in his garage. I asked him to pose next to his Rec Centre of the Millennium Award, but he just couldn't pry himself away from his work, which on this day was sending one email a minute to world cannonball champion Splash "The Human SkyDome" Jordan with hopes of him attending this year's regatta.

Here we have one of our fabulous outdoor pools, with all the modern amenities. Since we're an environmentally concious facility, the pool doubles as a racoon trap at night. Everything that's caught doesn't go to waste and is used in our kitchen's famous ragout sauce. Bathers are cautioned not to drink the water because it contains cobra venom which gives it that special shine.

That does it for part one of our tour. Parts two through sixty-eight can be found in our year book which is available via trade only. Things we need are -- cars, gold, maybe like, some personalized sweatshirts for the staff, a new dart board, a football field and a good lawyer. Thanks for your time and I'll see you in the pool!

IN THE OLD DAYS "HOTMAIL" WAS LETTERS WITH SWEAR WORDS

It's been a whole week since we last rapped and so much has changed!

- haircut
- sun tan
- new jacket
- new shirt (Pierre Cardin)
- bruised (broken?) toe
- dead George Steinbrenner
- Global Reality Channel premiers

In this new world I suggest we join hands and make peace by playing more board games, the most underrated form of entertainment, not only in the new world, but in last week's world where I had longer hair.

Speaking of board games... wait, hold on, that would be a great name for my snowboard jam fest next year. Written down. This year's Ice Marshall is none other than Batman, a local realtor who likes to be called Batman (real name is Doug I believe).

G20: The Board Game: Toronto Edition HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA, right? Oh.

Speaking of board games, my friend Andy bought an old WWF (the wrestling federation, not the ape school) at a Valoo Village while we were in SARNIA on the weekend. Why did we go to the town that "Vacation Magazine" dubbed "not worth going to"? Because Liv lived there before living here to make a living living live with me. Her dad has a beachfront property and we Sea-Doo'd, tu-tubed, ate and then poo-pooed for four days straight (on and off).

We also saw shock rockers "RUSH" play at Sarnia's Bayfest. The highlight was observing local teens fighting and kissing while very drunk and stoned all set to favourites like "Tom Sawyer" and "Subdivisions".

Liv sits on her old man's Sea-Doo. OR "I see, then I do"?

When I got back to work yesterday I was more bummed than Ice-T's girl friend, the voluptuous Coco. To make matters worse, I was on my way to our writing attic when the police apprehended me for cruising through a red light on my bike. I tried to weasel my way out of a ticket by saying "I'm not gay, but you're all attractive and I think your work during G20 was pure ballet." It didn't work, but the guy ended up giving me a break and ticketing me for not having a light which will run me $35 opposed to the alleged $350 for showing the traffic light that I don't obey robots.

KNEE KNOB

The whole world is so hot right now that even those with bad butts are trading in their baggies for skin freeing bikinis and briefs. Doctors will tell you to "stay still and eat watermelon", but what if you can't sit still and consider watermelon the undisputed most overrated fruit of all time? Since I am one of those guys, I've come up with some cool tips to beat the heat. Some of them aren't real so use your better judgment.

1. Calm down!

Have you ever heard the term "hot head"? It means you get so pissed off at your chores that your body produces extra heat that spreads throughout your body and grows your finger and toe nails like crazy. Remember that man with the long nails who set records for nails? He lives in India, which is the hottest place in the world next to this really small attic in Texas, AND he hates his wife real bad, so he knew what he was doing. So if you're pissed off, just think of Christmas.

Here's the nails guy on an episode of "Grillin' with Bobby Flay"
during a US promotional tour

2. Wet your clothes

For some reason water likes to turn into steam. Don't ask me, ask whoever invented it. Anyway, when your body gets wet it steals your heat because it wants to get wild and you cool down in the process. So before leaving the house get your pants as wet as possible and let the water do the work. If this is too confusing just watch Star Wars Episode I, as Qui Gon Jin's explanation of the Force's "midichlorians" is basically him explaining what I just did but way stupider.

3. Use fire

Baseball players put extra weight on their bats in the on-deck circle so that when they actually step up to the plate, the bat feels as light as a model. Before you start your day get a little fire going and run on the spot until you're so hot that you smell your delicious skin start to roast. Feel free to grab a few nibbles before quickly extinguishing the fire and going about your day feeling as cool as a dude.

HONKY TONK TANK TOP

For the last, oh I don't know, 46 years, I've been having this recurring dream where I'm in school and there's these two or three classes that I never go to and the dream always involves me worrying that I'm too far behind. Finally, last night, amongst dreams of unsuccessfully making small talk with John Cusack, I think I may have reached the conclusion of the school saga.

In last night's episode the school year was almost ending and I again realized that I hadn't been to these few classes since the beginning of the year, only this time I loosened up and said to myself "who cares? I don't need a science credit! My career can still prosper". Hopefully this is a sign that in real life I WILL meet John Cusack and that I'll finally be able to accept that I never graduated high school. April fools, not only did I graduate but I did so with a 79 average. I feel like 79 is pretty much my average in all of life. The problem with those who ended up getting high grades like nutty nines, is that they scored very low in "skipping school and eating bagels", meaning they haven't really lived.

The other night I wanted a bowl of cereal, but not a whole bowl so I just filled my mouth with Corn Pops and then drank some milk. I felt so good about this afterward that I thought to myself, "this is something I may teach my kids".

I haven't been writing in this window much lately because I've been too wound up in beach parties and pineapple socials. It all sounds glamorous, but the reality is that for some people, managing high season fun can be difficult. Take me for example (obviously):

Age: 28
Sex: Male. yes please! Austin Powers 1
Hair: Brown and thin
Head: child 8-12

Analyze the data with a cold drink and hang out.


Don't worry if you didn't get it, who cares if you're stupid. Anyway, the problem for me is that I pretty much need to wear a hat in the sun or else my scalp with get scorched. I have enough hair that I can't sunscreen my head or else my hair will get greasy and I can't have that because I'm a Soc through and through. What about my perfect eyes? I'd like to protect them with glasses, but since I always have to wear a hat and since my head is so small, it's hard to fit so many things in such a tiny surface. I can make it work, but it's kind of uncomfortable and by the time I get it all on, the only pieces of face I get to show off is a bit of cheek and my mouth, which is my WORST feature!

My cousin used to always say, "a picture is worth a thousand dollars" so the Canada Day weekend is best summed up with this photo of my friend taken by my friend (and friend's girlfriend), Rachael at the place where us friends got together to eat and stay:

YOUR WORD VERSUS THE WORLD

Get a roof!

If last weekend in Toronto was a second rate AC/DC song, it'd be "All Screwed Up":

Take you out to kick some butt
Work you over screw you nuts
And when you can't take no more
Then she push you out that door
And things go hard
Like a dog gone mad
She can pack some punch
Then you're out to lunch, back at one

It's all screwed up
All screwed up
It's all screwed up
All screwed up

I think that pretty much says it all.

I make my home at Queen and McCaul, so a lot of the action that happened when "the yogurt went sour" was right in front of my very windows. Incredibly, I managed to be absent for most of the heavy duty rock n roll because I can't sit still. Here's my time line:

Saturday - I was at home when the peaceful protest made its way across Queen St. I made a few Twitter jokes and then got bored because it was like watching the Pride Parade without topless lesbians. I then decided to go to a friend's house and eat popsicles while the USA Yankee Steaks played the Ghana Talking Parrots in soccer. Here's a good joke based on the famous "ketchup and liquor" joke of schoolyard lore:

Answer every question with "soccer"

What's your favourite sport? Soccer
What's your favourite ball? Soccer
Which celebrity is your favourite? Soccer
What do you do to your baby girl when her feet be cold? Soccer, but like "Sock Her", you know?

These two spray painted "Fuck Lunch" on a Harvey's

Anyway, as soon as I arrived at friend's house a mere 20 minutes later, we turned on the news and saw that major businesses in my area were being disrespected by a group called "The Black Diamonds", whose eXistenZ is based on a very good KISS song:

Darkness will fall on the city
It seems to follow you too
And though you don't ask for pity
There's nothin' that you can do, no, no

Whoo, black diamond
Whoo, black diamond

I eventually decided to ride my bike into the beehive, but I didn't see anything that would be described as "worth describing", so I went home, picked up some extra socks and went to my softball game where a dog got on the field!

By the time I got to the bar for post game beers and analysis where we talk about how bullshit the other team was, I found out from Liv back at home base that there was a kop kar on fire down the street from us. Another near miss.

On Sunday all was quiet during the day when we cleaned our whole house, even the toilet. At around 5:20pm I walked over to my siblings' house, passing by Queen & Spadina, which, minutes after my passing, apparently turned into a historical event where passerbys were wrangled like grade nines in the hydro fields on the first day of school. Instead of getting egged and paddled they got wet and upset.

When I came back home around 8:30pm I couldn't get through the intersection, but had no problem going across Adelaide where I passed by hundreds of police who apparently didn't find my baby blue shirt, bird legs and jungle umbrella very threatening.

I can't wait for Christmas this year!

I HATE CAKE BUT I LOVE HOT SUGAR

Dear Current Events,

I'm not that interested in you right now. Your World Cup of sports doesn't feature my favourite countries (Canada and Toronto) and I generally prefer those sports whose participants don't look like the line outside ___________ Nightclub/Supper Club/Hair Club/North Mississauga Catholic High School.

Your G20 summit is the lava to our summertime fun's small mountainside village, even though I'm lucky enough to have escaped the hot mud, coming at you live from Montreal thanks to my work who thought it important to protect its most valuable asset. Don't worry though mom, I'll be back on Friday just as Greenpeace is chopping down the CN Tower to protest outdoor pissings, and right before Mothers Against Drunk Driving explode the Eaton Centre using only the tastiest cocktails to literally show how alcohol can destroy the teen dream.

I'm just paranoid though. All this is coming from the guy who doesn't trust babes and strippers because he feels they're only out to trick you. Best thing about Montreal so far? Good bananas. Me and my friends once put on a play here and for three weeks 9 of us slept in a 2 bedroom apartment and ate a lot of beans and bread. Trivia question - name the baseball team that used to play here...

Answer - The Montreal Detectives

They were led by the great pitcher Reek Priest (#6), who once pitched an entire game with half a beard.

Do you guys have that thing where whenever you think of Right Said Fred you picture Drop Dead Fred? And it's SO FUNNY because Right Said Fred were known for being baldos while Drop Dead Fred was known for a truly outrageous mop! What a crazy world it is that we vacation in.

SURE, TREES BREATHE BUT DO THEY JOKE AROUND?

With all this recent talk of me being in football-mad Italy, I forgot all about the World Cup of Football, of as Americans call it, the 2010 Wendy's Soccer Challenge on ABC. This is a true worldwide phenomenon except in North America where it's celebrated as an opportunity to identify the immigrants in your neighbourhood.

I sent my European correspondent Hair Sudokuku and her photographer Krispy Kidb down to South Africa to see how fans are enjoying the great spectacle of men kicking. Take it away Hair:

Thank you my lord! Now, when we first arrived we headed to our hotel bar to watch the USA kick balls against England. I asked these two fans what they thought of the match and they said "match?". I then realized they weren't staring at a TV but rather the entrance to the bar's kitchen. "We ordered quesadillas 45 minutes ago and we're getting very worried they forgot about us. This wouldn't stand in Pittsburgh....this wouldn't stand...."

This local white person has just come from the optometrist having just received her new frames. "They're too big," she said. "It's tough to find glasses when you're two feet tall, but come on." I asked her why she was wearing a hard hat: "In South Africa it rains pears. No joke. The festive horns I've fastened to the top should skewer a few that I can present to my mother for Pig Day."

"Pretending I'm from Jamaica was the best decision of my life," said Finland's Lars Ulrich.

After a long day we headed for the beach where we met these two sisters and their brother Todd. This picture was taken after we asked them what they thought of Johannesburg filmed "District Nine". When I asked them about the World Cup they got angry and tossed Todd into the sea.

Thanks guys! Bring me back a souvenir. I want a blanket.

Now it's time for World Cup predictions:

The winner of the World Cup will be...........

The Kingdom of Elephants! What mortal man can stop these big crappers? Instead of the trophy all they want is a wet, muddy plain, a few cases of beer and an iPad for the whole squad.

SEARCHING FOR A BETTER TASTING CARROT

The best ideas come when you first wake up because your brain hasn't yet been fried with TV commercials and glamour models all day. A couple morns back I awoke and had this idea to write about a phony, ambiguous trend called "saucing" and at the time it seemed like a great opportunity to knit literature for comedic purposes. But now, two days later, I don't really remember what it is I even meant, but I think I'm going to try to do it anyway. So here is the classic, fake, 2010 article by Muck Hooten, originally published in the New York Times Magazine.

How to Sauce
By Muck Hooten

I stand with my back flush against the lockers in a rural Long Island high school. On my right is Kato Singerblot, an impish tenth grader brandishing a backward ball cap and new whiskers, probably the result of puberty. In his front shirt pocket sits an old fashioned key that points upward toward the grin of a trickster. On my left is his fake brother Manheim Blitch, a full four feet taller than his counterpart, but wearing the exact same outfit except instead of a key there's a bouquet of black pipe cleaners. The hall is deserted but we're not talking, that is until a group of cheerleaders, the Boggs High Dancing Darlenes, emerge from the haze and enter our field of view. Kato and Manheim grab my right and left hand respectively and when the girls are in audible range we start reciting our favourite starting lineup of any team of any sport we want and kick our shoes at the passing girls. I man of my age would expect the girls to call the principal or their daddies on their flip phones citing abuse, but to my surprise they bow to us and offer soft caramels and light hugs. This is the new generation. This is Sauce.

"Where did it start? Man, that's like asking how come ice cream is cold. It started in Memphis though by my fake cousin Bradley," Kato explains later that day while we hang out in a hole in his parent's backyard, a typical dwelling of those who sauce.

"It's less an attitude and more a way of life, but with a fresh philosophy and a total disregard for semantics while embracing a punk ethos and an Eastern attitude," Manheim adds while sipping pineapple juice out of a pencil case. "All this stuff we do and the way we live is just Sauce, you know? In the nineties they raved, in the aughts they surfed and here and now we Sauce."

After the two fake brothers encouraged me to stare at the sun for ten minutes while getting a haircut, I met with their mothers for tea on the veranda.

"I was a hippie in the seventies so I understand where they're coming from. But I did get kind of upset when my Manheim slept on the car during October. He said 'Don't have a groan mommy, it's Sauce Month 2, so don't freak out,' and that made me feel a bit better."

Mrs. Singerblot shifted nervously in her seat as she sipped her Earl Grey when I asked her how this trend has affected her family.

"I can't figure it out. One day he's got raisins up his nose and the next he's combing his hair with a cast iron skillet. But at least he's not listening to rap music."

Okay, so the rest of that would've seen me just making up more silly stuff that these guys do and you don't need to hear any more of that. Looking back I like how they all call each other a fake member of their family and I like the idea of drinking things out of silly things. I think now I'll move on to the feature that People Magazine called one the most beautiful people of 2009, the WHAT I DID AND HOW I AM Pot Pourri sampler:

VACATION BONUS PHOTOS:

Before I left the country I had to drink a small barrel's worth of hog fat.

This is me "feelin' out" Italy

EXTRA PERSONAL FACT

When I was in the backyard during childhood my pants caught on fire. I panicked, yelled out loud ".....WAIT...STOP DROP ROLL! STOP DROP ROLL!", then I stopped, dropped, and rolled and I got a scar.

SPECIAL POEM

Don't eat fire
It'll hurt you bad
Don't eat tire
No, wait, that's rad

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION

UH OLD

Ohhhhh I missed writing to you guys on the Internet so bad! I couldn't fully enjoy the sites, sounds, tastes and butts of Italy knowing that your computer screens lacked updates about my life and how my herb garden is doing. I haven't checked yet, but I think it's fine. It had better be, because I have a load of new Italian-inspired dishes that will require the freshest herbs and the coldest salt.

Were I to recap the whole thing, it'd be so vivid and intriguing that you'd feel like you were there with me, except you'd be able to envision yourself as being way cooler than you actually are. My ideal self smokes little cigars and calls women "honey bees". Since you didn't pay for this vacation I'm not going to provide you with that kind of experience. You can sign up for the premium version of this blog and I'll give you a personal recap specifically designed to your personality, and you'll also get exclusive web content and some rare up-skirts from my younger, wilder days.

These Italian travel slogans I came up with should give you a good idea of how I viewed the country of brotherly love:

Italy - Nobody Works
Italy - A Lot Of Old Pretty Shit
Italy - Churches
Italy - The Garbage Man Dresses Better Than You
Italy - No Shower Curtains

In a country full of eye-bogglers, I think the David statue and St. Peter's Bascillica got my nips tingling the most. The food was incredible as promised by popular culture and the weather was hot and sunny, which is what turns Italians that beautiful shade of light black. I didn't get a sunburn, but I did choke on pizza the last day and had to manually pull a string of cheese out of my throat.

The whole reason I went in the first place was because my dad was having a university engineering reunion there and since me and my real sister had never been we decided to tag along. Hanging out with middle-aged people is fun because they think you're so young even though you're losing your hair and going gray.

This happened a lot

Engineer reunion final party at millionaire's house. This guy is making everyone "pizza", an Italian dish that is pretty much bread with cheese and tomato sauce.

This guy was slicing a delicious piglet that I eventually ate.

That zit under my eye has been there for like, two months, no joke.

Now I'm back in Toronto where I'm looking to make a big impact on the local snooker scene. Whenever I get back from a major vacation I have to take a new career. So that's it for the blog, it's been great writing to guys for the last couple of year and I wish you health, love, power, kids, jewels and meat in the future.

Yeah right! I haven't changed! Italy hasn't changed me! The only thing that's different is that I bought expensive sunglasses. Don't tell any robbers about that.

AREEVADER CHI

Guys

I'm in Italy RIGHT now. It's like California but no rock n roll and no burgers. You'd think that'd be bad but this place rules. I've never been a huge fan of Italians because they used to yell at my soccer games and they wear shirts that say they're the best, but they truly have a lot to brag about. Everyone here dresses nice, even the truck drivers. They feed you until you barf then feed you more and then you have a nice poo. Coffee and wine all the time.