YOUR LIFE THE RECORD

Anyone who's a human being has probably at least once in their life thought about what heaven is like if it exists. I do! I don't think much about hell because there's no perks in hell to fantasize about. Thinking about what might be in heaven is like if your parents are like, "We're going on vacation to Utah."

"Why?" You ask.

"You'll see," your dad says.

Then you start thinking like, "My dad is a reasonable man. I have no idea why he wants to go to Utah but damn; there's gotta be something good."

Then you picture yourself riding to the Grand Canyon on a white stallion with a babe at your side after your mom told you something that morning like, "OK today you can do whatever you want. Here's $100. We'll be at the art gallery. Meet for dinner at 6. Hotel lobby"

Finally you get to Utah, realize the Grand Canyon is in Arizona and that the reason your parents wanted to go is because they heard the state has great fruit.

So to wrap all that up, picturing what heaven is like is similar to picturing what a trip to Utah with your parents is like, but with heaven you have more freedom to imagine because as far as I know, God doesn't live in Utah and neither do wizards, wish granting trolls or any other entities that could maybe do some cool things for you.

NOW....when I think of heaven I always imagine that when you get there you can go on a computer and look up your lifetime statistics. For example, you could look up how many beans you've eaten in your life, or the number of times you saw a cardinal. Furthermore, you can see how you rank in human history. So when I die I might be a contender for human who has had the most haircuts. Or maybe you don't even have to look. You get an interview and the angel is like "Well you came in third for most graph paper used." It's good because if you lived a good life but never really did much, you may find out that you own a record in rubber bands and so you can enjoy heaven more and play snooker with Robin Hood or someone in peace, you know?

If you're bummed out one day and there's nothing to do, don't forget that you may be close to a record, so drink that extra lemonade, stick MORE gum to your shoe or take another dump for old times sake! You might be a record holder!

UPDATE OF THE WEEK

It turns out the guy in the movie "FEAR" that I mentioned a few posts ago is more of a badass than I remember. He does kill a guy and he cuts the head off a dog.