March 20, 2010


The Saturday Report
with Police Chief Bird

Hi citizens, Chief Dirk Bird here on a beautiful Saturday. Put out an APB for relaxation and home baked treats, courtesy of our wives, am I right? I'm responsible for putting notorious perv "Date Rapeler" behind the bars of the jail. It got personal when he spied on my wife changing from her day look into her evening wear, which reasonably consists of silk pa-jam-jams, Isotoner slippers and a terry cloth robe emblazoned with a crest featuring children's character Winnie Poo. Let's not worry about Date or his fondness for middle-aged nudes. Here's your Saturday report:

Avoid the park this weekend. Murray Kink's varsity soccer team ran into a flock of skunks on Thursday and several boys were sprayed, including class hunk, Hawk Twilight. When word got out, every teen girl in the county made their way to the park to get sprayed too. Then word got out to every teen guy that all the girls were getting "sour" as they put it, and they went too. Now I got a goddamn orgy on my hands and it all has to be cleaned up in time for next weekend's Apple Dance.

Don't eat at the Steak Boat this weekend. Following a raid on Tuesday, my department discovered that the popular restaurant isn't even a boat, but just a regular structure. It also turns out that the chef, Capt. Oliver, is really named Jamal. He will be tried for treason in July.

There's a reality show being filmed inside of Greg's Hardware called "Tools" about the every day drama found inside the store, so avoid the area if you can. I make a guest appearance in the show, when I discover that Greg has been selling screws to Old Dan for 4 cents over regular price. After a brief talking to a small fine, the boys made up and we ordered an 8 piece bucket for dinner while Greg showed us the newest magnets.

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