October 21, 2010


My chicky-bear is sick today, which means I could be headed for Sniffles County on the Cough Express some time in the next couple days, unless Sheriff Immune L. System rounds up the Virus Gang and send them to the local jail. Don't let this news stop you from trying out our new secret handshake the next time I see you.

You know what would be a perfect time to try out the new handshake, besides at my annual Boxing Day Nog-Off? Your town's next Handshake Rodeo OR GONG THE SHOW, this Friday at Comedy Bar.

Seriously, this show is really fun for everyone, even your most boring friends who always say they're going to come but never do. Lure them in with the promise of figs and spices. Once they catch a whiff of what our Rocks are Cooking, they'll be hooked and forget that Comedy Bar doesn't sell figs and spices, but nachos, burgers and a great mac and cheese. You can wash all that down with one of their fresh beers, guaranteed cold and fizzy.

What do you have to lose except $5 and a Friday night? Haven't you heard? No one goes out dancing anymore because dancing can make you sweat and doctors are now saying that sweat is as important as blood, which makes sense! There's a new kind of vampire lurking outside the nation's most humid locker rooms and trendiest hot yoga spots. Physical activity and tough exams are now as harmful as smoking. The only thing you can do to survive nowadays is eat lots of vegatables. The rabbits have known this for years. Have you felt their fur? Excellent fur, tasty meet, nice teeth.

And don't bother going outside and walking around because it's so boring out there. I don't know about you, but I'm sick of fall beauty already. At first I was quite taken with its colours and crispness, but now I'm starting to remember that my slender frame can't handle the coming chill. I gotta wear gloves just to feel how cold it is, but I can't tell because of the gloves. Fall is simply a waiting room full of magazines with very nice covers. When you start reading the magazines you realize you don't care about Wired's Social Media Innovator under 40 for the new Millennium 2.0 and next thing you know you're in the dentist's chair getting drilled and filled. The dentist is winter. I like my dentist though, I'm a lucky man.

You ever have those stretches of time where you take really good care of yourself? I'm currently in one and feelin' smooth. I've been flossing more, shaving with a razor and cleaning up after myself. Those who are like this all time are OCD, right? When I shave real close I feel like a youth again. People tell me I still look young but I don't believe it because I have the hair of a middle-aged man. I guess that's my residual self image at work. Imagine I had a full head? I'd probably be completing a successful run as a teenage heartthrob on Degrassi with six Geminis in my rucksack to boot.

This hasn't been a very successful blog post probably because it relied heavily on elaborating on reasons why you should come to our show tomorrow. Here's a Fishbone video:

This song was once on a Beavis and Butthead and it has been in my head and on my various walkmen ever since.

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