October 26, 2010


Hello world and welcome to Rob Ford's Toronto:

Okay okay, that's not really fair, but ever since our city elected this guy last night, the hamburger jokes have been frying up fast and tasty. I say not fair because everybody was on this guy's giant ass for not liking immigrants and homosexuals, yet we burn him every chance we get just because he's a husky man, and that's not fair to the other huskies in the world who love Chinese people and who get a real kick out of Glee. Do we burn him because he burns others? Let's keep burning him.

I don't totally hate the guy. At least he's cheap like me and dislikes unions, what with their high wages and exclusive members-only shoes. But he also dislikes bikes and the arts, which I associate with on a daily basis. Luckily, neither of these things can be stopped unless skateboards get less dangerous and sports become more beautiful. Back in July I compared him to a puppet of a supervillian. If I was right, Ford will be dead in a couple of days and the Joker will emerge as our real mayor. So the real question is -- who would make a better mayor -- The Joker, or The Rob Ford?


LORD - Yeah, hello
Me - Joker or Ford?
LORD - On the football pitch? Joker.
Me - For mayor of Toronto
LORD - Ford you idiot, the Joker is a maniac
Me - What about Mel Lastman, he was kind of a maniac.
LORD - Shhhhhhhh
Me - What?
LORD - Shhhhhhhh
Me - I hate your riddles.

Yesterday I voted for a new mayor and this morning I voted for abolishing omelettes from my life. The results? 1-0 in favour of no more omelettes. I also got huge support for my recent bill decreeing new slippers. The funds were allotted and I'm now 13% more comfortable than last quarter.

I hate omelettes and yet I keep making them because I enjoy the process of making them and because Bobby Flay said you can tell someone's a good chef by how they make their omelette. I gotta be ready in case I ever run into that guy. Anyway, they never taste like anything good no matter how much butter I use or what I put in them. Today I tried to make a classic French-style omelette with mushrooms, onions, brie and thyme. It tasted like shit! I don't even really like mushrooms that much. I like them mixed with other stuff, but on their own they're garbage. In that sense I like my mushrooms like I like me at parties where the 'other stuff' is other people. That wasn't even worth mentioning.

So I think that's it. No more omelettes. If you spend the night at my house because your house exploded the day before due to a domestic dispute or lab accident, or you come by for a morning analysis of the previous night's late night programming, I'll make you one by request, but I'll be eating Mini-Wheats.

No comments:

Blog Directory by Blog Flux