MUD MAN DUMPS GIRLFRIEND FOR SOME REASON

Back in university I was approached by the people over at Chicken Soup for _____ Soul to contribute to a new volume directed toward party animals. They had read my essay published in the Molson monthly corporate newsletter called "Beer Soaked Bras and Puke Stained Ikea Rugs" and thought it was right for the project. I said "no way" because I'm an old school punk rocker, so they asked if I wanted to write for the teen edition instead and I said "sure, great opportunity". I compiled some memories of my childhood relationship with teenagers:


Being a kid in suburbia, teenagers were the scariest thing around besides big dogs and maybe a pervert if your town had one.

There was a family of teenagers up the street from us and one day I rode my bike on their lawn while one of them was mowing and he yelled at me so from then on I always rode my bike on the other side of the road.

Then there was this one guy who wore a Notre Dame jacket all the time so we called him "Notre Dame" and this guy was a big time idiot who'd always say something shitty to younger kids probably because his dad was better than him or something. Whenever we'd go to the pizza parlor to play Street Fighter II and he was there we'd have to hang back or else he'd scare us.


My friend had an older brother who was a notorious asshole and I was in his basement once with my friends playing our electric guitars and this guy came down and I was like "shit". I was visibly frightened and the guy smelled my fear and was like "if I told you to be scared, would you be scared" and I go "yeah" and then he said "be scared". I gave a nervous laugh and let him play my guitar as much as he wanted while everyone else continued to learn "Come As You Are".

Once my brother and I had a day off school so we went tobogganing in the hydro lines and were having a great little time. This was until we realized that high school didn't have a day off and since the hydros were a main artery in the teenaged commute, we were suddenly faced with throngs of puberts, so we had to get out of there quick. Nothing happened though, don't worry.

We had a moment of glory in grade 9 when paddling was a popular initiation ritual. We saw this one guy hide his paddle in the bushes, so we grabbed it and destroyed it, thus saving the asses of several early teen boy men.


Those are 100% true tales with a 100% untrue introductory paragraph. Different strokes for different yolks.

Starting this weekend I have a solid stretch of fun activities so stay tuned for mad capped re caps and pictures of me with glamorous Hollywood stars. "Enjoy the meals you're about to stuff into you" - Gordie Howe