MICHAEL JACKSON'S "IT'S A THRILLER"

Last year I wouldn't shut up about Halloween, and this year I haven't even whispered about it. WELL IT'S TIME TO YELL HALLOWEEN AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS UNTIL THE HALLOWEEN MUMMY AWAKES FROM HIS TOMB AND BEGIN PREPARATIONS FOR THE MONSTER PARTY. HE NEEDS TO GET HIS GHOST COOKIES IN THE OVEN BEFORE THE GUESTS ARRIVE. THIS YEAR HE'S GOING AS A FIRE FIGHTER.

It worked! The mummy hath awoken

His cousin Cory had been tending the sarcophagus while he was asleep. This picture was taken right after Halloween Mummy woke up, and wouldn't you know it? Loyal Cory is ready with the Mummy's Coke, ice cold and in a branded cup, just the way he likes it. Do you have anything to say this year Mummy?

I wish you nothing but the spookiest this year, blobs and gulls! Bring two costumes while trick or treating so you can back to the houses that give out full sized chocolate bars. And if you're going to murder someone, Halloween is the funniest day to do it.

Sorry for that last piece of advice. I forgot this guy is a real deal mummy. I once saw him eat a dog. He filmed it to prove his loyalty to all the cats he knows. You think the musical "Cats" was huge in Egypt? In Egypt it was just called "GODS". I bet the guy who had to introduce the cast during special appearances got tired of it real fast.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...THE CAST OF CATS
CAST OF CATS
CAST OF CATS
CAST OF CATS
CAST OF CATS
CAST OF CATS
CAST OF CATS
CAST OF CATS
CAST OF CATS
CAST CATS
CAST CATS
CAST CATS
CATS CAST
CATS CATS

I was a cat once for Halloween. These supposed "cool men" kind of made fun of me I think, even thought I had the funniest 'stume there. That's not entirely true, there were a lot of good ones. The guys were probably scared the cat was going to make off with all the cheese (hot butts (babes (girls at party))). What creature will I morph into this season?

Our boy Chuck Sheen as Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn of the Major League franchise. The real Charlie is more wild than the fake Ricky these days, what with the drugs, hookers, nudity and wardrobe from the sitcom he's in. My woman is tingling with anticipation because of her fondness for this full man from Two and a Half Men. She doesn't watch that show. She likes the Charlie Sheen of Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Pfffft.

Speaking of sports movies starring young hunks who sex scandals, I finally saw YOUNGBLOOD last night. It was waaaay better than I thought it would be, although the story suffered from a lack of anything. The hockey stuff was great though, and thumbs out to a steamy sex scene.

I think I meant to say "Thumbs Up" up there, but I like thumbs out too. It's a hitchhiker reference. In this case the term means, "Sure, I'd pick that up".

SKIP THE LINE AND HEAD STRAIGHT INTO SLOP

Hello world and welcome to Rob Ford's Toronto:


Okay okay, that's not really fair, but ever since our city elected this guy last night, the hamburger jokes have been frying up fast and tasty. I say not fair because everybody was on this guy's giant ass for not liking immigrants and homosexuals, yet we burn him every chance we get just because he's a husky man, and that's not fair to the other huskies in the world who love Chinese people and who get a real kick out of Glee. Do we burn him because he burns others? Let's keep burning him.

I don't totally hate the guy. At least he's cheap like me and dislikes unions, what with their high wages and exclusive members-only shoes. But he also dislikes bikes and the arts, which I associate with on a daily basis. Luckily, neither of these things can be stopped unless skateboards get less dangerous and sports become more beautiful. Back in July I compared him to a puppet of a supervillian. If I was right, Ford will be dead in a couple of days and the Joker will emerge as our real mayor. So the real question is -- who would make a better mayor -- The Joker, or The Rob Ford?

ANSWER ME LORD!

LORD - Yeah, hello
Me - Joker or Ford?
LORD - On the football pitch? Joker.
Me - For mayor of Toronto
LORD - Ford you idiot, the Joker is a maniac
Me - What about Mel Lastman, he was kind of a maniac.
LORD - Shhhhhhhh
Me - What?
LORD - Shhhhhhhh
Me - I hate your riddles.

Yesterday I voted for a new mayor and this morning I voted for abolishing omelettes from my life. The results? 1-0 in favour of no more omelettes. I also got huge support for my recent bill decreeing new slippers. The funds were allotted and I'm now 13% more comfortable than last quarter.

I hate omelettes and yet I keep making them because I enjoy the process of making them and because Bobby Flay said you can tell someone's a good chef by how they make their omelette. I gotta be ready in case I ever run into that guy. Anyway, they never taste like anything good no matter how much butter I use or what I put in them. Today I tried to make a classic French-style omelette with mushrooms, onions, brie and thyme. It tasted like shit! I don't even really like mushrooms that much. I like them mixed with other stuff, but on their own they're garbage. In that sense I like my mushrooms like I like me at parties where the 'other stuff' is other people. That wasn't even worth mentioning.

So I think that's it. No more omelettes. If you spend the night at my house because your house exploded the day before due to a domestic dispute or lab accident, or you come by for a morning analysis of the previous night's late night programming, I'll make you one by request, but I'll be eating Mini-Wheats.

IS YOUR DINNER BRAVE?

My chicky-bear is sick today, which means I could be headed for Sniffles County on the Cough Express some time in the next couple days, unless Sheriff Immune L. System rounds up the Virus Gang and send them to the local jail. Don't let this news stop you from trying out our new secret handshake the next time I see you.

You know what would be a perfect time to try out the new handshake, besides at my annual Boxing Day Nog-Off? Your town's next Handshake Rodeo OR GONG THE SHOW, this Friday at Comedy Bar.

Seriously, this show is really fun for everyone, even your most boring friends who always say they're going to come but never do. Lure them in with the promise of figs and spices. Once they catch a whiff of what our Rocks are Cooking, they'll be hooked and forget that Comedy Bar doesn't sell figs and spices, but nachos, burgers and a great mac and cheese. You can wash all that down with one of their fresh beers, guaranteed cold and fizzy.

What do you have to lose except $5 and a Friday night? Haven't you heard? No one goes out dancing anymore because dancing can make you sweat and doctors are now saying that sweat is as important as blood, which makes sense! There's a new kind of vampire lurking outside the nation's most humid locker rooms and trendiest hot yoga spots. Physical activity and tough exams are now as harmful as smoking. The only thing you can do to survive nowadays is eat lots of vegatables. The rabbits have known this for years. Have you felt their fur? Excellent fur, tasty meet, nice teeth.

And don't bother going outside and walking around because it's so boring out there. I don't know about you, but I'm sick of fall beauty already. At first I was quite taken with its colours and crispness, but now I'm starting to remember that my slender frame can't handle the coming chill. I gotta wear gloves just to feel how cold it is, but I can't tell because of the gloves. Fall is simply a waiting room full of magazines with very nice covers. When you start reading the magazines you realize you don't care about Wired's Social Media Innovator under 40 for the new Millennium 2.0 and next thing you know you're in the dentist's chair getting drilled and filled. The dentist is winter. I like my dentist though, I'm a lucky man.

You ever have those stretches of time where you take really good care of yourself? I'm currently in one and feelin' smooth. I've been flossing more, shaving with a razor and cleaning up after myself. Those who are like this all time are OCD, right? When I shave real close I feel like a youth again. People tell me I still look young but I don't believe it because I have the hair of a middle-aged man. I guess that's my residual self image at work. Imagine I had a full head? I'd probably be completing a successful run as a teenage heartthrob on Degrassi with six Geminis in my rucksack to boot.

This hasn't been a very successful blog post probably because it relied heavily on elaborating on reasons why you should come to our show tomorrow. Here's a Fishbone video:



This song was once on a Beavis and Butthead and it has been in my head and on my various walkmen ever since.

DIGGING THIS NEW CORN ALBUM

To all those who were waiting on the edge of their seat all week to find out whether or not I cleaned oil residue off the top of a cabinet in my kitchen -- I did! I used the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser, which is basically a nice, heavy piece of foam. So it wasn't magic, it was foam. But I gotta say guys, it was very satisfying to clean something that I could've got away with never cleaning. I had this incredibly sadistic image in my head of us moving out and the next tenants coming in, checking the top of the cabinet to see if we left any gold up there and cursing us for never cleaning it. I'm not that kind of guy though, I'm a liker, not a lover and not a fighter, but a nicer. At the end of the day I'm just a man who is willing to clean up his mess so others don't have to unless I don't like the other or the mess is poo.

The real question is: how do I prevent this from grease slick from happening again? I don't want to clean grease like that again because it had all my most hated feels - sticky and oily. And no, doctor, I'm not going to stop cooking with oil and frying bacon because I like the sound of sizzles and milk just doesn't do it for me. Actually, I love milk. I don't drink enough of that stuff. Ever since they stopped running those ads that framed milk as a magic elixir that turns frumps into babes and dumps into hunks I haven't really felt the urge. But damn, that stuff is the most refreshing white drink around so long as it's cold and not old.



I hope that by watching that you're enjoying this new paragraph with a cool glass of beef milk. The topic of this baby is Jackass 3D, a new movie that I saw on Saturday. What a nice little time at the theatre! The immortal words of Timothy Leary really help to describe the experience - "Turn on, tune in, drop out". First, the movie is turned on, then you tune in on all the funny stupid things then drop out of your seat laughing at farts, dicks, injuries, poo and barf.

And how about MAD MEN??? See, I'm no philistine. I love poo movies AND critically acclaimed television from a guy named Weiner. If Mel Gibson ever does a one man show or a Joaquin Phoenix style faux documentary or even some sort of an album, it should be called "CRITICALLY ASHAMED". Anyway, MAD MEN? How about the stunning Jessica Pare? I was in the Montreal Fringe Festival in 2003 or something, where she co-hosted the awards ceremony and having already seen her breasts several times and being a fan of her face, my heart went boi-oi-oing. I thought that when she ended up in Hot Tub Time Machine as "naked tits in hot tub", her career was shot, and now she's Don Draper's wife, which is one of the top female fantasies going today. Others include:

- Being Oprah's Gayle
- More singing in sports
- Being Kate Winslet
- Sexts from Brett Favre
- Purse tester

Am I right, ladies?

I know more about women than Jonah Hill knows about the Burger King menu.

I know so much about women, that when I go on a date I can go to the bathroom for 15 minutes and not even care.

I make Hugh Hefner look like a regular Hugh.

DABBLE IN APPLES

I'm definitely thankful for the butt-load of of everything in my life that isn't shitty, which, thankfully, is most of it. I have the best family and friends and even my enemies are stylish and know how to party, so really I should be spending this Thanksgiving weekend throwing up leaves and singing Lightfoot tunes to the homeless. Since I do things my own way with a touch of traditionalism, I instead celebrated by eating a bunch of birds, watching a dude-certified amount of sports, and cavorting with aforementioned family and friends.

Today being the last day of the "nice holiday", I've been trying to get things done around here. Not all things, I mean the toilet could use a scrub and there are hats everywhere, but still. In the process of completin' shit, some minor frustrations have arisen, and since I'm thankful for everything I thought I'd highlight some stuff I'm not thankful for just to make you realize that I'm no angel.

"Hi there...mmmmmm...welcome to the new world"

1. That shitty oil residue - When you like frying stuff in oil like me and Paula Deen and you don't have a hood above your range like me and Chuck D, you end up with all this sticky greasy stuff all over your damn kitchen. Today I was looking for mouse turds when I noticed a particularly gross patch above our cabinets where we keep an assortment of decorations to keep me inspired while I make spaghetti. Now my Gizmo doll, Pee Wee Doll, Masters of the Universe Lunchbox, oversized dragon stein and Lord of the Rings pewter Ent goblet are covered in this shit, and I'm all like "is there a product out there that will gently clean these possessions? Will I clean them before I leave this apartment? I'm going to mad if I move and I take that stuff down and remember that I forgot".

UPDATE

I wrote that earlier. I took all that stuff down and when I was trying to wash the Gizmo doll his head fell off and now all of a sudden my day has gone Toy Story and I can't get Randy Newman out of my head.

You know why the body likes gravy so much? Because it's basically already poo.

I got distracted by that thought. The not thankful for list will be discontinued, and I'm not sad about toys anymore.

STUFFED SACKS

I don't think I'm scared of ghosts anymore! I watched a show on the Amityville Horror the other day and when it started I was like "oh shit, no looking in mirrors for me tonight" but by the end of it I was like "if I need to check my butt out, no big deal". If the show hadn't explained why the whole Amityville thing is bullshit, I probably wouldn't be so brave right now. The only really scary part was when they said these psychics were investigating the house and they set up a camera to take pictures automatically and one picture was this one, with scary ghost boy:

And the psychics who were there were like "there were no boys in the house!". But then I read that this picture surfaced two years after the pictures were taken so obviously someone just threw their son in there because you know, "gho$ts".

Here's the thing about aliens and ghosts: why do ghosts only show up indoors and at night? What do they care? If they were real they'd be haunting 24-7. Remember this video I made?



Point proven. And aliens? Same deal! If they're so smart, you'd think they would've figured out day-time probings and spooks by now.

LIVING THE LIVE MY CAT ALWAYS WANTED

THANK YOUR GOD OR YOUR MOTHER THAT YOU'RE HUMAN TODAY

Hi Toronto, it's me again, and yeah, it's raining, it's cold, summer 2011 is as far away as it's going to get, but hey, we're human! Raise one of our innovative, non-natural beverages, and lets celebrate!



Chances are you haven't won the lottery. Even if you have, you probably just have a garage full of jet skis, a bunch of friends you don't want and a few cases of Teddy Grahams. Stop for a second and think like human leader Socrates -- you've already won the lottery -- you're a human!

There are millions of species here on Earth and only one is smart. Us. You could've been a worm or worse yet, a delicious mountain goat. You're privy to things, thoughts and stuff that ALL other animals around here can't even begin to comprehend. Next time you're bored just look at windows for goodness sake! They're a see-through, semi insulating, noise reducing forcefield and even our dumbest and poorest get to enjoy them whenever they want. The closest thing animals have to a simple window is the ocean, and we own that too. We don't even care that we can't breath in the water, we just have as much fun as we can in and around it. The water's beaches also gives our most attractive citizens the chance to show off the most ultimate bodies on the planet. Sharks, eagles, bears and gorillas have pretty smokin' bods, but to the point where only our weirdest and most perverted would take one over a homo sapien.

Don't be glum. Be smart like the human you are. Invent a new meal or build a fort. We build forts for shits and giggles, not for survival. Think you're tough wolves? Nice house.

BRIEFS IN SHORT

Over the past week I've seen some of the most heartwarming, and at times, heartbreaking television. Watch out books, Marshall McLuhan was right -- "TV rules". Did you guys watch Battle of the Blades last night? So many stories! Such good moves. Great show. I like how the show is like Dancing with the Stars and American Idol etc. but instead of glitz and glamour, Battle of the Blades is hosted by an old man and a little bald guy. Actually, most Canadian television personalities are some combination of old/little/bald.

Then there was this thing on Project Runway where this little guy told the world that he's HIV positive, and then his outfit won the challenge and the whole world was just hugging each other. He inspired me to share my secret, which is that I hate toads. Just kidding, I don't have any secrets and I don't mind toads, except those big ones that take your money if you don't solve their riddles.

Yesterday I went apple pickin'. There's nothing heartbreaking about that, unless you're a freak who thinks apples are living things too, and shouldn't be eaten. I guess those people don't actually exist because they wouldn't be able to eat anything except like, Tang. Before pickin' we went on a hike at Rattlesnake Point, famous for once being the backdrop to an episode of "My Secret Identity". In the episode Jerry O'Connell had to stop a wood nymph from turning the forest into a real deal gremlin patch. Anyway, the hike turned into a full-on cross-country bushwhack headed by my friend's dad, who is in his sixties but still climbs mountains and skis like a damn ice croc.

Once of several hills we all almost fell down

We had to climb this fuckin' face

So now I have way too many apples and a bunch of cider. If you come over I'll provide you an apple feast. I've already fed three weary travelers and here's their review:

"My favourite part was the apples"

"Pretty good, but way too much ham in the apple gumbo"

"Cool bathroom at that place"