Greetings spooky girls and butter boys! Light your pumpkins and get your garbage pennies out for UNICEF, it's HALLOWEEN.
Here's a fun-size Internet video, courtesy of the folks a Rudolph's Chev-Olds in Dundalk, Ontario - Rudolph's: Cheap cars, bad bathrooms, bad suits.
Remember, have fun, get candy, but stay out of the old swamp this year, because as you learned last Halloween, it's the swamp ghoul's birthday and he hates getting old.
October 31, 2009
October 30, 2009
HAPPY HALLOWEES
Halloween is tomorrow, and if you don't have a costume by now you're probably not going to think of anything good, so go get your best shirt and tie, you're going as teacher.
Adult Halloween is a totally different experience than childhood Halloween. While childhood Halloween is a great excuse to get free candy and pretend to be something neat, adult Halloween is different things to different people.
Club Goers
Halloween is an excuse for club going horn dogs and sex objects to party the way they wish they could all the time. If party girls could party nude, they totally would, but thanks to the law, common sense, and ugly people their rears and ta-tas must be covered at all times. They also have to deal with the fact that underpants aren't yet acceptable as outerwear, although we're gettin' there. Anyway, since the rules of Halloween stipulate you can be whatever you want, they're able to get around taboos and laws, thus fulfilling their ultimate party fantasy short of maybe a softcore swingers jam.
The men of club land also dress to attract as much attention as possible via Halloween costume, while also living out personal fantasies of being cowboys, football players and other "cool men". The girls will approach saying "I love your costume", which roughly translates to "I love what you are tonight" -- just the kind of attention they desire.
Sillies
Sillies aren't that different from club goers, in that Halloween is also a chance to party the way they wish they could all the time. The only difference is that while those guys do it to feel good about themselves and show off as much lump as possible, silly people just wish it was regular to go around dressed like Han Solo or Louis Tully all the time. It boils down to the fact that wigs are funny and if the world wore more wigs, it'd be weird probably.
Old Adults
Old adults might not like Halloween as much because they have to buy candy, carve a pumpkin and possibly get dressed up silly while the threat of eggings, poo baggings, and Noma Moon Ray kickings reaches its yearly height.
That didn't turn out as good as I wanted. That part about club goers makes me sound like a urban psychologist, while I was really just trying to "muck it up" with them .
Next time you're on the Internet swing by Graham Wagner's, David Dineen-Porter's or Aaron Eves' very own web space. In real life these guys are laugh lions, and since real life is just the Internet but worse, you're bound to have fun.
Adult Halloween is a totally different experience than childhood Halloween. While childhood Halloween is a great excuse to get free candy and pretend to be something neat, adult Halloween is different things to different people.
Club Goers
Halloween is an excuse for club going horn dogs and sex objects to party the way they wish they could all the time. If party girls could party nude, they totally would, but thanks to the law, common sense, and ugly people their rears and ta-tas must be covered at all times. They also have to deal with the fact that underpants aren't yet acceptable as outerwear, although we're gettin' there. Anyway, since the rules of Halloween stipulate you can be whatever you want, they're able to get around taboos and laws, thus fulfilling their ultimate party fantasy short of maybe a softcore swingers jam.
The men of club land also dress to attract as much attention as possible via Halloween costume, while also living out personal fantasies of being cowboys, football players and other "cool men". The girls will approach saying "I love your costume", which roughly translates to "I love what you are tonight" -- just the kind of attention they desire.
Sillies
Sillies aren't that different from club goers, in that Halloween is also a chance to party the way they wish they could all the time. The only difference is that while those guys do it to feel good about themselves and show off as much lump as possible, silly people just wish it was regular to go around dressed like Han Solo or Louis Tully all the time. It boils down to the fact that wigs are funny and if the world wore more wigs, it'd be weird probably.
Old Adults
Old adults might not like Halloween as much because they have to buy candy, carve a pumpkin and possibly get dressed up silly while the threat of eggings, poo baggings, and Noma Moon Ray kickings reaches its yearly height.
That didn't turn out as good as I wanted. That part about club goers makes me sound like a urban psychologist, while I was really just trying to "muck it up" with them .
NEW LINKS ADDED
Next time you're on the Internet swing by Graham Wagner's, David Dineen-Porter's or Aaron Eves' very own web space. In real life these guys are laugh lions, and since real life is just the Internet but worse, you're bound to have fun.
October 29, 2009
'LUMPY' IS ONLY GOOD IF YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT A FUNNY GUY
I finally started utilizing Toronto's PATH system, which is basically an underground mall maze (with a million food courts) for tourists and business people that connects all sorts of skyscrapers, making it a bomber man's dream house. Since my place of business is just south of Union Station, and my residence is almost next to city hall, the PATH provides a dry passage way from just about door to door. My first couple of attempts I got really lost and hot because I was bundled up like a farter on a hot date and I didn't bring a map with me, assuming that the "PATH" was just that -- a simple path. But alas weary traveller, there be twists and turns about! There's this one section that's under construction and the ceiling looks like it's from the set of a sci-fi movie, so you're walking and staring up, thinking about protons, galactroits and techno music, then you bump into a dick in a suit, he says "get outta here, I got a lunch with the big boss and I forgot my cigars" and you're back to reality. That didn't happen, but neither did Forrest Gump and people still enjoy him.
WARDROBE UPDATE/BOURGEOIS PROBLEM OF THE DAY
I won some money at work by being vigilant and I made some money off our Jet Fighter Pilots show, so I'm thinking about buying a new winter coat, as new cars are too expensive and I don't collect hockey cards anymore. I've had my current shell for about 4 years now, and it's great except for two things -- the zipper is broken and the jacket's colour is the same as my current default shoes. I could get the zipper fixed and go about my business being colour coordinated in dark, military green, or I could use my new found wealth to buy a new one. How often do you guys buy jackets? I was raised with the philosophy that you shouldn't buy a new something if the old something still has something, so my gut is telling me 'no' while my reproductive organs are yelling 'yeah'.
"In my hand I hold the key to the secrets of winter. I'll show you if you come to the chalet with my for cider and nuts"
And finally, some questions you can raise at your next job interview:
Do you think that when you're a regular godparent, like one who isn't Catholic and who doesn't really care all that much, you breathe a sigh of relief when your godchild turns 18 and your duties are pretty much void? I bet some do, especially those who have dinkies as godchildren. I remember asking my mom who my Godparents were and she said it was one of my aunts and for a split second I was like "cool! I'd get to live with my cousins", but then I came back to my senses.
ENDING
I was trying to upload TOP GUN NIGHTS to public cyberspace, but I've been having some problems, so I'll try again tomorrow and maybe it'll be a nice Friday treat along with the news that you won something in a contest you forgot you entered. <----there's a feeling I'd love to have on a snowy day!
WARDROBE UPDATE/BOURGEOIS PROBLEM OF THE DAY
I won some money at work by being vigilant and I made some money off our Jet Fighter Pilots show, so I'm thinking about buying a new winter coat, as new cars are too expensive and I don't collect hockey cards anymore. I've had my current shell for about 4 years now, and it's great except for two things -- the zipper is broken and the jacket's colour is the same as my current default shoes. I could get the zipper fixed and go about my business being colour coordinated in dark, military green, or I could use my new found wealth to buy a new one. How often do you guys buy jackets? I was raised with the philosophy that you shouldn't buy a new something if the old something still has something, so my gut is telling me 'no' while my reproductive organs are yelling 'yeah'.
"In my hand I hold the key to the secrets of winter. I'll show you if you come to the chalet with my for cider and nuts"And finally, some questions you can raise at your next job interview:
Do you think that when you're a regular godparent, like one who isn't Catholic and who doesn't really care all that much, you breathe a sigh of relief when your godchild turns 18 and your duties are pretty much void? I bet some do, especially those who have dinkies as godchildren. I remember asking my mom who my Godparents were and she said it was one of my aunts and for a split second I was like "cool! I'd get to live with my cousins", but then I came back to my senses.
ENDING
I was trying to upload TOP GUN NIGHTS to public cyberspace, but I've been having some problems, so I'll try again tomorrow and maybe it'll be a nice Friday treat along with the news that you won something in a contest you forgot you entered. <----there's a feeling I'd love to have on a snowy day!
October 28, 2009
A TIME TRAVELLER FROM THE PAST WOULD WANT TO TALK ABOUT FLAGS AND WE'D BE LIKE "BOOOOORING"
There was an article in the Star yesterday highlighting the top 10 least healthy breakfast cereals, in case anyone was unsure about the nutritional value of a cereal based on Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. The article didn't thwart me from craving Cookie Crisp, despite its high sugar content, because I'm no blockhead -- I know that I'd be better off eating Shredded Wheat with its homestyle cardboard flavour, but cookies are engineered to appeal to our taste buds and pleasure zones, which I'm all about because I'm a happy guy.
What I did take from the article is that cereal hasn't really changed much over the past 700 years. At the end of the day our only options are flakes, puffs, pebbles, squares, crisps, clusters, bits, jacks, o's and whatever Weetabix is -- hay logs? The content inside the box hasn't changed since fridges were cooled by penguins with fans and milk was brought to your door by a lonely old widow man, or town idiot, but the marketing of it sure has -- just look at "Vector", which bills itself as a "meal replacement", which I guess means it's replacing regular breakfast with breakfast, because Vector is just Corn Flakes mixed with Rice Krispies encased in a box plastered with images of people doing flips. If you're going to claim to replace breakfast, at least go all the way and call it something like "Kellog's Morning Family Feed" or "Sunrise Supper Meal".
I think we're in need of a cereal revolution, something that will re-invigorate the food, because without it little kids won't get their milk and college students won't eat dinner. Here are some quick ideas:
Noodles - When my brother was a kid, he was a picky little shithead, but he always ate cereal and spaghetti, unless it was from Denny's (find the Denny's spaghetti story in Chapter 94 of my book "Live to Learn - Learn to Live - Hope and Triumph, Dreams and Hopes, Justice and Love). I assume that most shitty kids share this diet, so why not combine the two into a brand new breakfast experience?
Milk Innovation - When cereal companies come up with new ideas, they probably just concentrate on the cereal itself, but why not tackle the milk problem? How about a cereal called "Self Milkers" or "Auto Creams" or "Cow Tarts" that are coated in milk, which is activated once you add water to the bowl? Despite living side by side, milk and cereal have different shelf lives, but water will always be there, so using it will take the pressure off cereal to be eaten in the fresh milk window.
More hot cereals - I'm a big fan of hot breakfasts, because if we're not heating things up, then what was it all for? I'm talking about our ancestors who'd be pure peeved at the idea of us not using fire when we have it at our damn fingertips. Currently, hot cereal options are pretty much limited to porridges, mushes and gruels, which kids don't like because it reminds them of schoolyard taboos like boogers, poo and puke. I don't really know what to suggest here with the exception of an instant breakfast pasta.
If your dad works for one of the big guys, tell him to read this and then send me a cheque. Tomorrow we'll tackle waffles and beans and then next week lunch is going to be torn a new hole.
What I did take from the article is that cereal hasn't really changed much over the past 700 years. At the end of the day our only options are flakes, puffs, pebbles, squares, crisps, clusters, bits, jacks, o's and whatever Weetabix is -- hay logs? The content inside the box hasn't changed since fridges were cooled by penguins with fans and milk was brought to your door by a lonely old widow man, or town idiot, but the marketing of it sure has -- just look at "Vector", which bills itself as a "meal replacement", which I guess means it's replacing regular breakfast with breakfast, because Vector is just Corn Flakes mixed with Rice Krispies encased in a box plastered with images of people doing flips. If you're going to claim to replace breakfast, at least go all the way and call it something like "Kellog's Morning Family Feed" or "Sunrise Supper Meal".
I think we're in need of a cereal revolution, something that will re-invigorate the food, because without it little kids won't get their milk and college students won't eat dinner. Here are some quick ideas:
Noodles - When my brother was a kid, he was a picky little shithead, but he always ate cereal and spaghetti, unless it was from Denny's (find the Denny's spaghetti story in Chapter 94 of my book "Live to Learn - Learn to Live - Hope and Triumph, Dreams and Hopes, Justice and Love). I assume that most shitty kids share this diet, so why not combine the two into a brand new breakfast experience?
Milk Innovation - When cereal companies come up with new ideas, they probably just concentrate on the cereal itself, but why not tackle the milk problem? How about a cereal called "Self Milkers" or "Auto Creams" or "Cow Tarts" that are coated in milk, which is activated once you add water to the bowl? Despite living side by side, milk and cereal have different shelf lives, but water will always be there, so using it will take the pressure off cereal to be eaten in the fresh milk window.
More hot cereals - I'm a big fan of hot breakfasts, because if we're not heating things up, then what was it all for? I'm talking about our ancestors who'd be pure peeved at the idea of us not using fire when we have it at our damn fingertips. Currently, hot cereal options are pretty much limited to porridges, mushes and gruels, which kids don't like because it reminds them of schoolyard taboos like boogers, poo and puke. I don't really know what to suggest here with the exception of an instant breakfast pasta.
If your dad works for one of the big guys, tell him to read this and then send me a cheque. Tomorrow we'll tackle waffles and beans and then next week lunch is going to be torn a new hole.
October 27, 2009
HAVE CONGOS AND BONGOS EVER RUINED A SONG?
On Sunday we went to The Rivoli to see the hilarious Paul F. Tompkins and as we were waiting in line outside there was this guy painting the sidewalk right beside us, which I tried to ignore. But he made it impossible when he asked for a donation. I said I didn't have any change unfortunately, but if I did I'd gladly donate, which was a 100% true statement. He goes "yeah right, just say no, you just lied twice." For a second, I felt compelled to prove to him that I didn't have change so I said something about having keys in my pocket, then he muttered something back and I said "FINE".
He kind of looked like that guy who terrorizes David in Six Feet Under so I wasn't about to escalate the situation, but seriously, who does this guy think he is? It's as if he's an expert in street man/regular man relations and I violated some unwritten rule where every answer should be a simple "yes" or "no". If that's all it took to offend that guy, I wonder what would've happened if he asked for donations and I was like "I'd donate but your painting is a fart with colours and I need to buy nachos later". I could've also burned him on the fact that 50% of what he was wearing (hat and jacket) had something to do with New York city. It reminded me of this white guy who I'd see around university and everything he wore including shoes and backpack featured the Brazilian flag.
I can't make that story sound any funnier than that. Does that mean it shouldn't have made it in here? I don't know man, I don't know, but what this story also tells me is that I'm too nice a lot of the time.
The other day I received a very nice "Thank You" card in the mail for a wedding gift, and my immediate reaction was to thank them for the thank you. If there was ever a situation where a 'thank you' isn't warranted, that's probably the situation.
The other day I was around some friends or something and I thought I heard one of them say "Date Rapeler", like a guy's name. That isn't what they said but I smiled in my head at the thought of a guy named that who is the sleaziest guy ever and he tries to date rape girls but he can never get anywhere because of his name and he refuses to change it.
This isn't exactly how I pictured him, but we all have different brains so your Date Rapeler may look just like this.
He kind of looked like that guy who terrorizes David in Six Feet Under so I wasn't about to escalate the situation, but seriously, who does this guy think he is? It's as if he's an expert in street man/regular man relations and I violated some unwritten rule where every answer should be a simple "yes" or "no". If that's all it took to offend that guy, I wonder what would've happened if he asked for donations and I was like "I'd donate but your painting is a fart with colours and I need to buy nachos later". I could've also burned him on the fact that 50% of what he was wearing (hat and jacket) had something to do with New York city. It reminded me of this white guy who I'd see around university and everything he wore including shoes and backpack featured the Brazilian flag.
I can't make that story sound any funnier than that. Does that mean it shouldn't have made it in here? I don't know man, I don't know, but what this story also tells me is that I'm too nice a lot of the time.
The other day I received a very nice "Thank You" card in the mail for a wedding gift, and my immediate reaction was to thank them for the thank you. If there was ever a situation where a 'thank you' isn't warranted, that's probably the situation.
The other day I was around some friends or something and I thought I heard one of them say "Date Rapeler", like a guy's name. That isn't what they said but I smiled in my head at the thought of a guy named that who is the sleaziest guy ever and he tries to date rape girls but he can never get anywhere because of his name and he refuses to change it.
This isn't exactly how I pictured him, but we all have different brains so your Date Rapeler may look just like this.
Date Rapeler - Hey lady, how are you? Mind if I see your drink for a second?
Lady - Go ahead hot stuff.
Date Rapeler - What's your name? If I were your mom I would've named you Curves because baby you have those and they're making my toes dingle.
Lady - Thanks hunk, the name's Lucy. What's yours? If I were your mom I'd have named you Bronco because that's what I'm naming my son when I have him in three weeks.
Date Rapeler - The name's Date Rapeler candy butt, what's say you and I party nude?
Lady - 'Date Rapeler'? Oh God. Give me my drink back. Did you put something in it?
Date Rapeler - Yeah... yeah I did. Sorry. Enjoy your new baby.
Back to the old drawing board for the Datester. I may be bad at date rape, but I have the best name that no one else has.
It would also be funny if the guy were the smartest, nicest man but he refused to change his name just because it's unique. Poor guy.
Lady - Go ahead hot stuff.
Date Rapeler - What's your name? If I were your mom I would've named you Curves because baby you have those and they're making my toes dingle.
Lady - Thanks hunk, the name's Lucy. What's yours? If I were your mom I'd have named you Bronco because that's what I'm naming my son when I have him in three weeks.
Date Rapeler - The name's Date Rapeler candy butt, what's say you and I party nude?Lady - 'Date Rapeler'? Oh God. Give me my drink back. Did you put something in it?
Date Rapeler - Yeah... yeah I did. Sorry. Enjoy your new baby.
Back to the old drawing board for the Datester. I may be bad at date rape, but I have the best name that no one else has.
It would also be funny if the guy were the smartest, nicest man but he refused to change his name just because it's unique. Poor guy.
October 26, 2009
I'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER MY SUMMERS AT CAMP KETCHUP
On Saturday Andy and I pretended we were pilots and did some gaffs in front of a crowd at Comedy Bar. This was the first time we've done our own Jet Fighter Pilots show and overall things went pretty well. TOP GUN NIGHTS was met with wonder and enjoyment and nobody disappeared into thin air so far as I know.
To get ahead in today's business world, one must have a comprehensive understanding of all things web 2.0. As an expert in the field (and just a plain fan!), I've been able to grow a veritable business empire (we make bedsheets that look like Hawaiian shirts) and would love to pass on some insider info I've recently retained. To better understand your clients and their needs, I offer you a sneak preview of some upcoming technologies that are bound to be the next Twixter.
New Social Media
Moopsy 'Do - Take a picture of your haircut and create your own unique profile pic. Start networking with other cool hair without anyone judging your face. Share info on gels, sprays, 'poos, oils, combs, beads, mousse, clips, dyes, and bald.
ClamShare - An online directory and social networking site where users share credit card information and buy stuff on each other's dime. Post a picture of your monthly statement, which when added to the site, becomes part of a Darth Vader mosaic.
FoxxLive - Everyone is Jamie Foxx in the unique online community. Does your Jamie like curry? Does he play drums sometimes? What's his favourite dinosaur? Interact with other Jamies and live the life of a man with limitless talent.
Old Internet - Users work together to make an old Internet, featuring a real good guestbook and free email address.
Ritter - Share your memories or John Ritter in 140 characters or less.
I was going to erase that last one, but I'm not a quitter. Here are things I've quit - weight training class in high school, stock market project in high school, swimming lessons, French class and tomatoes.
To get ahead in today's business world, one must have a comprehensive understanding of all things web 2.0. As an expert in the field (and just a plain fan!), I've been able to grow a veritable business empire (we make bedsheets that look like Hawaiian shirts) and would love to pass on some insider info I've recently retained. To better understand your clients and their needs, I offer you a sneak preview of some upcoming technologies that are bound to be the next Twixter.
New Social Media
Moopsy 'Do - Take a picture of your haircut and create your own unique profile pic. Start networking with other cool hair without anyone judging your face. Share info on gels, sprays, 'poos, oils, combs, beads, mousse, clips, dyes, and bald.
ClamShare - An online directory and social networking site where users share credit card information and buy stuff on each other's dime. Post a picture of your monthly statement, which when added to the site, becomes part of a Darth Vader mosaic.
FoxxLive - Everyone is Jamie Foxx in the unique online community. Does your Jamie like curry? Does he play drums sometimes? What's his favourite dinosaur? Interact with other Jamies and live the life of a man with limitless talent.
Old Internet - Users work together to make an old Internet, featuring a real good guestbook and free email address.
Ritter - Share your memories or John Ritter in 140 characters or less.
I was going to erase that last one, but I'm not a quitter. Here are things I've quit - weight training class in high school, stock market project in high school, swimming lessons, French class and tomatoes.
October 23, 2009
PITCHFORKS LOVE HALLOWEEN AS MUCH AS PUMPKINS, KIDS AND FISHNETS
I'm so tired right now, you could pinch my nips and kiss my neck and I'd just say something like "it feels like there's a ghost up in here". Here's some quick medical advice for Friday. After I finish this I'm going to sleep so hard that my pillow is going to piss everywhere.
I've realized that I eat too fast, meaning my chew count is extremely low. I read somewhere that a human should chew like 31-40 times per bite, while my average sits at around 4 or 5. This could explain why my esophagus has felt so stressed lately, a symptom I'm thinking of sharing with my licensed physician next week. So my advice is to you is to start chewing more, and we can all enjoy the benefits of proper digestion and a smooooooth esophagus.
Final reminder to come to Comedy Bar on Saturday night for Jet Fighter Pilots present the USOhhhhhhh yeahhh show. Come and see why I've been so cranky lately, with the premiere of low-budget action TV pilot, TOP GUN NIGHTS. Until then......
I've realized that I eat too fast, meaning my chew count is extremely low. I read somewhere that a human should chew like 31-40 times per bite, while my average sits at around 4 or 5. This could explain why my esophagus has felt so stressed lately, a symptom I'm thinking of sharing with my licensed physician next week. So my advice is to you is to start chewing more, and we can all enjoy the benefits of proper digestion and a smooooooth esophagus.
Final reminder to come to Comedy Bar on Saturday night for Jet Fighter Pilots present the USOhhhhhhh yeahhh show. Come and see why I've been so cranky lately, with the premiere of low-budget action TV pilot, TOP GUN NIGHTS. Until then......
October 22, 2009
YOU EVER HEARD OF ME? I'M THE GUY WHO TRIES TO RIDE CATS
I don't know if any of you give two turds about my current problems in video editing, but quite frankly I don't care, because it's on my mind and my mind is what I use to fill this white space with black "Georgia" font words.
When this drawing was finished, the artist leaned back in his chair, put his hands behind his head and thought to himself "God damn I'm good."
Yesterday was a bad time for me. I ran into a million problems while editing this video I've been gabbing about and the worst part is that the problems had nothing to do with the actual editing, but rather my computer, which doesn't have enough hard drive space to handle the load. So I panicked and tried to get a computer from my friend Scott who lives across the road, but it turns out he's working on a movie as Peter Stormare's assistant, so he's not around and THEN I realized that Liv has a new MacBook, right under my nose! I breathed a sigh of relief and decided I'd finish what I was doing on my computer that night and then move everything over in the morning. I didn't get a lot of sleep because I was stressed and because I kept thinking about sleep again, and then when I tried to migrate everything today, I ran into a new batch of problems that made me go "FUUUUUUCK". I think I may finally have a handle on it, but I'm not holding my breath because nothing has gone right so far, except the little bit of editing I got done which turned out pretty good considering how shittily I directed it.
On top of that, STOMP is back on stage! Could things get any worse for me? I thought STOMP went the way of No Fear t-shirts and the It Store. Did people not get enough STOMP the first 10 years it was around?
"Honey, Stomp is back, do you want to see it again?"
"What's that again?"
"The stage show where people bang garbage cans and walk with garbage cans on their feet."
"I'd rather glue my balls to my forehead."
Imagine how many artists were totally pissed when Stomp got popular? It's the kind of idea that everyone has had but was like "yeah, but it's pretty dumb". I hope the same thing doesn't happen to my Beach Pillow idea. I think it's a good product, but I'll never actually get around to making it. Some Joe Blow might make it happen, and if he does he'll make pool loads of dollar bills, fame and a girlfriend who only cares about bikinis, while I'm at home shining nickels.
When this drawing was finished, the artist leaned back in his chair, put his hands behind his head and thought to himself "God damn I'm good."Yesterday was a bad time for me. I ran into a million problems while editing this video I've been gabbing about and the worst part is that the problems had nothing to do with the actual editing, but rather my computer, which doesn't have enough hard drive space to handle the load. So I panicked and tried to get a computer from my friend Scott who lives across the road, but it turns out he's working on a movie as Peter Stormare's assistant, so he's not around and THEN I realized that Liv has a new MacBook, right under my nose! I breathed a sigh of relief and decided I'd finish what I was doing on my computer that night and then move everything over in the morning. I didn't get a lot of sleep because I was stressed and because I kept thinking about sleep again, and then when I tried to migrate everything today, I ran into a new batch of problems that made me go "FUUUUUUCK". I think I may finally have a handle on it, but I'm not holding my breath because nothing has gone right so far, except the little bit of editing I got done which turned out pretty good considering how shittily I directed it.
On top of that, STOMP is back on stage! Could things get any worse for me? I thought STOMP went the way of No Fear t-shirts and the It Store. Did people not get enough STOMP the first 10 years it was around?
"Honey, Stomp is back, do you want to see it again?"
"What's that again?"
"The stage show where people bang garbage cans and walk with garbage cans on their feet."
"I'd rather glue my balls to my forehead."
Imagine how many artists were totally pissed when Stomp got popular? It's the kind of idea that everyone has had but was like "yeah, but it's pretty dumb". I hope the same thing doesn't happen to my Beach Pillow idea. I think it's a good product, but I'll never actually get around to making it. Some Joe Blow might make it happen, and if he does he'll make pool loads of dollar bills, fame and a girlfriend who only cares about bikinis, while I'm at home shining nickels.
October 21, 2009
MUFFINS ARE OLD LADIES AND CUPCAKES ARE SEXY TEENAGERS
I'm going to be kind of busy in the next few days preparing treats for this:
We've been wanting to put on a show of this type since last spring, but the U.S. government didn't give us its stamp of approval until we promised not to make fun of Minnesota like usual. If you like airplanes and comedians or even just comedians then this is a show you're going to want to attend. Don't worry, Comedy Bar serves beer and even food.
That poster makes me look like a real pale guy. That picture was taken in the dead of winter, and next to Hollywood Hull up there, I look like a regular Bobby Goat Gruff. In fact, my friend Dave once said the animal I most resemble is a goat, and though I disagreed, everyone else was like "yeah that's it", so I just had to go with it. The most common animals people resemble are probably bears and dogs. You wouldn't want to get a skunk. I think that might be the worst because it means you look like a stripey rat who stinks.
Anyway, some of the posts this week may be shorter than usual to give me time to complete the 'piece du restistanz' of the show, our TV show action pilot, "TOP GUN NIGHTS". It's going to be a long and arduous process, full of swear words and table fist slams. Until then I'm all smiles and peace signs, because in my head this video is the greatest.
By the way -- do you think it's long enough now that an "AUSTIN 3:16" shirt is kind of funny? Like if I saw one in Value Village and started wearing it would you be like "HA" or would you be like "TOO SOON"? I really think we're on the cusp here folks. Autumn '09 -- when AUSTIN 3:16 shirts become silly enough to wear ironically.
Steve Austin loved nothing more than to cheers himself and get beer all over the place. In this picture it sort of looks like he's flying through the Milky Way.
We've been wanting to put on a show of this type since last spring, but the U.S. government didn't give us its stamp of approval until we promised not to make fun of Minnesota like usual. If you like airplanes and comedians or even just comedians then this is a show you're going to want to attend. Don't worry, Comedy Bar serves beer and even food.That poster makes me look like a real pale guy. That picture was taken in the dead of winter, and next to Hollywood Hull up there, I look like a regular Bobby Goat Gruff. In fact, my friend Dave once said the animal I most resemble is a goat, and though I disagreed, everyone else was like "yeah that's it", so I just had to go with it. The most common animals people resemble are probably bears and dogs. You wouldn't want to get a skunk. I think that might be the worst because it means you look like a stripey rat who stinks.
Anyway, some of the posts this week may be shorter than usual to give me time to complete the 'piece du restistanz' of the show, our TV show action pilot, "TOP GUN NIGHTS". It's going to be a long and arduous process, full of swear words and table fist slams. Until then I'm all smiles and peace signs, because in my head this video is the greatest.
By the way -- do you think it's long enough now that an "AUSTIN 3:16" shirt is kind of funny? Like if I saw one in Value Village and started wearing it would you be like "HA" or would you be like "TOO SOON"? I really think we're on the cusp here folks. Autumn '09 -- when AUSTIN 3:16 shirts become silly enough to wear ironically.
Steve Austin loved nothing more than to cheers himself and get beer all over the place. In this picture it sort of looks like he's flying through the Milky Way.October 20, 2009
CRUISING FOR A CRUISIN'
A little while ago I was urinating at home when a bee seemed to rise out of the toilet and into my face. It wasn't flying very fast and seemed disoriented, so I killed it easily and mostly forgot about it, although I was miffed about its presence and bizarre entrance. The last few months there's been a few more bees appearing, every one as dumb as the last. They seem out of breath and close to death, taking no notice of me and my attempt to end them. This morning I was on the couch checking the day's headlines on the Internet when one of these dumb bees ran into the top of my head, sat on a book, then fluttered around idiotically for a while before I murdered it with a notebook.
Where'd these dumb bees come from?
I got some answers recently when my brother noticed a potential nest just outside my bathroom door on the fire escape. My bathroom has a door to the outside, so if you ever need to drop some poo around Queen and McCaul, check me out. What was my brother doing out there anyway? There's just a bunch of old rugs that belong to my neighbours. Are you into rugs, Scott?
Anyway, I have a feeling these dumb bees have either been banished from the hive for being morons, and somehow find their way inside my house because they have nowhere else to go, or they're just plain stupid and think my house is a garden (it has smelled mysteriously of celery lately, so maybe that has something do with it). Either way, I don't like bees flying around my head because I haven't been stung in a while and would probably whine like there's no tomorrow if one of those stripers got to me. Luckily they fly real slow and seem pretty close to death anyway, so I usually have the advantage.
Much like the Mafia, I only like bees when they're on film, so hopefully today's sighting will be the last. If you have any information about these bees please contact myself or my exterminator, Horse Drury, whose address is:
473 Eyeball Central
China
PO Box 8
THOUGHT OF THE DAY THAT WAS ACTUALLY A THOUGHT FROM LAST WEEK
Last week on Twitter, I said something about how if Heaven was proved real, you'd get a bunch of numbskulls, trying to die without it looking like suicide so they could get to cloud city way faster. So you'd be walking around town and people would be standing under ladders, making fun of gangs, and signing up for Alaskan crab fishing. I guess people would be way nicer too, because no one would want to go to Hell, OR it would backfire and the attitude would be like "if I'm going to Hell for eternity, I'm having a damn good time here on Earth" and they'd drink and sex and drug and all sorts of bad stuff that's fun for them Mad Max style before they spend the rest of forever shoveling lava into big furnaces. During your break today, or maybe on your bike ride over to the arcade, think about what YOU'D do if this were the case. Most of you are going to say "be a good boy and then go to heaven and party hard", but maybe there's a psycho or two out there who have a better idea. Let me know!
October 19, 2009
THAT FRUITY ASIAN GUY ON THE WOMEN'S NETWORK IS A TRUE HERO
Welcome back from a weekend. I hope yours was "killer" and "lewd". Let's rap.
On Saturday we checked out this season's coolest must see accessory, "WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE". This movie didn't feature very many "wild things". I can tell I don't like a movie when in the middle of it I make the decision that if I have to take a dump it's no big deal because I don't mind missing parts. That happened. I didn't get up though. After I ate smoked meat later in the day though, I practically ran home to "let her rip".
The good parts of the movie
- the acting
- the directing
- the cinematography
- the special effects
Bad parts of the movie
- everyone in it was so sad I actually thought one of the monsters was going to kill himself at the end.
- the kid's haircut was too cool
- the scene with snow was clearly shot in California - this thing cost millions and they couldn't drive up to Seattle or something?
- The music tried to get us to cry and hug each other but it made me roll my eyes and want to leave to go to the bathroom
It was basically a sad-fast with a constant sappy, folksy indie music score. Where's the funk?
On Sunday I visited with my friend Rebecca who I hadn't seen since like, cycle 5 of America's Next Top Model. I drove to Hamilton and we went for a nature hike in the unshitty part of town and found a cool river and some nice big rocks. Strolling through the neighbourhood en route to the forest we passed by a lady in her yard who threw a hair clip on her lawn then laughed and said to us - "I threw the wrong thing! I was trying to throw this apple core." What a dolt. I also found a hand-woven Toronto Blue Jays lawn chair in someone's trash. It's kind of broken and stained, but so are animals at the humane society and that doesn't stop people from taking them. Rebecca makes her own clothes and sells them here. If any of you girls are looking to have sex with someone, I suggest buying some of her stuff and the horn dogs will be on you like Kirstie Alley on a bucket of gravy. WOO!
DVD EXTRAS
I ate smoked meat and went to Cadillac Lounge.
On Saturday we checked out this season's coolest must see accessory, "WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE". This movie didn't feature very many "wild things". I can tell I don't like a movie when in the middle of it I make the decision that if I have to take a dump it's no big deal because I don't mind missing parts. That happened. I didn't get up though. After I ate smoked meat later in the day though, I practically ran home to "let her rip".
The good parts of the movie
- the acting
- the directing
- the cinematography
- the special effects
Bad parts of the movie
- everyone in it was so sad I actually thought one of the monsters was going to kill himself at the end.
- the kid's haircut was too cool
- the scene with snow was clearly shot in California - this thing cost millions and they couldn't drive up to Seattle or something?
- The music tried to get us to cry and hug each other but it made me roll my eyes and want to leave to go to the bathroom
It was basically a sad-fast with a constant sappy, folksy indie music score. Where's the funk?
On Sunday I visited with my friend Rebecca who I hadn't seen since like, cycle 5 of America's Next Top Model. I drove to Hamilton and we went for a nature hike in the unshitty part of town and found a cool river and some nice big rocks. Strolling through the neighbourhood en route to the forest we passed by a lady in her yard who threw a hair clip on her lawn then laughed and said to us - "I threw the wrong thing! I was trying to throw this apple core." What a dolt. I also found a hand-woven Toronto Blue Jays lawn chair in someone's trash. It's kind of broken and stained, but so are animals at the humane society and that doesn't stop people from taking them. Rebecca makes her own clothes and sells them here. If any of you girls are looking to have sex with someone, I suggest buying some of her stuff and the horn dogs will be on you like Kirstie Alley on a bucket of gravy. WOO!
DVD EXTRAS
I ate smoked meat and went to Cadillac Lounge.
October 16, 2009
UNFORTUNATELY, I'VE LOST MY SENSE OF FART
This morning Liv informed me that she didn't "get" my Life of a Mohawk cartoon. Despite being a self-proclaimed "Master of Film", she didn't understand the Travis Bickle reference, or the fact that the main character is a mohawk hairdo. Now I leave it up to you, fans of the Internet, to either make me look stupid and tell me you didn't get it either, or make her look stupid by saying it was as easy to understand as the cooking instructions to these delicious, instant hot dogs I once enjoyed in Florida:
Or you can stay neutral and enjoy this simple, easy to understand classic from the archives:
I've been thinking a lot of Egypt lately because the AGO is about to unleash a King Tut exhibit and it's up the street from my house. This guy is standing out front to promote it:
How is a boy supposed to walk by that every day and not get hot for Egypt? Anyway, this morning I was shaving my beard fur, and I got thinking about haircuts in Ancient Egypt. Whenever you see pictures of what people believe Cleopatra and that young strapper, King Tut looked like, they appear beautiful and well kept, right? But were there hair dressers around back then? Did people even give a care? When did barbers come around? I like to think that they all cut their own hair, so if you went back in time you'd see a bunch of people who just figured out they could have a short style, but all they had to cut the hair was clay knives and cat's teeth so they all looked terrible. That's my kind of history.
Now lets say there were such a thing as professional hair stylists back then. If that's the case then they must have styled the weirdest 'dos, because of the tools available and because they're just totally crazy compared to us. Like, we can't even comprehend the crazy styles because it was all so long ago and the most futuristic thing they had around was beads. Either that or they all just looked like us, I don't really know.
In conclusion, I really want to go to Egypt and I'd love to learn more about the history of haircuts. I also solved the problem of having too much jam by getting into "Cheesecake Bagels" or "Bleeding Albinos" where you toast a bagel and smother it in cream cheese and jam. Feed it to your kids next time you're at the in-laws' or at the camper with Uncle Robes.
Or you can stay neutral and enjoy this simple, easy to understand classic from the archives:
I've been thinking a lot of Egypt lately because the AGO is about to unleash a King Tut exhibit and it's up the street from my house. This guy is standing out front to promote it:
How is a boy supposed to walk by that every day and not get hot for Egypt? Anyway, this morning I was shaving my beard fur, and I got thinking about haircuts in Ancient Egypt. Whenever you see pictures of what people believe Cleopatra and that young strapper, King Tut looked like, they appear beautiful and well kept, right? But were there hair dressers around back then? Did people even give a care? When did barbers come around? I like to think that they all cut their own hair, so if you went back in time you'd see a bunch of people who just figured out they could have a short style, but all they had to cut the hair was clay knives and cat's teeth so they all looked terrible. That's my kind of history.Now lets say there were such a thing as professional hair stylists back then. If that's the case then they must have styled the weirdest 'dos, because of the tools available and because they're just totally crazy compared to us. Like, we can't even comprehend the crazy styles because it was all so long ago and the most futuristic thing they had around was beads. Either that or they all just looked like us, I don't really know.
In conclusion, I really want to go to Egypt and I'd love to learn more about the history of haircuts. I also solved the problem of having too much jam by getting into "Cheesecake Bagels" or "Bleeding Albinos" where you toast a bagel and smother it in cream cheese and jam. Feed it to your kids next time you're at the in-laws' or at the camper with Uncle Robes.
October 15, 2009
I SPY WITH MY LITTLE EYE A GUY WITH BIGGER EYES I'M GETTING THAT MAN'S EYES
New comic, inspired by children and their dreams.
Jar 1 - PC strawberry - I bought this myself because I didn't think life would conspire to bring me more. It's good quality jam and boasts "50% fruit", which should really be industry standard.
Jar 2 - Harrod's Cherry jam - My dad didn't know I wanted jam, but he brought me some from England and I'm certainly not complaining because I wanted jam and this stuff looks premium.
Jars 3 and 4 - Peach and strawberry homemade courtesy of Liv's grandpa. In my experience homemade jam is generally the best because as much as mass production is the driver of our modern economy, it doesn't have taste buds or old wrinkled hands that make for top notch spreads.
Do you know what's bad about homelessness other than the fact that it's all about people who are in big time trouble? It's the fact that to be a successful panhandler, you have to have experience, which is not enviable and sort of goes against the whole spirit of panhandling, which is to make enough change so you don't have to do it anymore. It's not the type of racket that you want to stick with and get better at because it's the worst job in North America next to the President! WHOA
My line of thinking came from seeing a guy asking cars for change at an intersection today, and I could tell he hadn't been homeless for long because his clothes weren't that bad. Now if I were going to give money to someone, I'm probably going to give it to the person who looks like they're in the worst shape, and not to some guy who just got into a fight with his dad about drinking beer in the house and is street bound until his buddy Chad lets him crash on the chesterfield. I guess it would also help if you're a good actor or have a fresh sign, but pageantry is probably the last thing on the mind of a guy down on his luck.
New Links
If you're on the Internet today swing by my friend Anna's ROMANCE BLOG at http://annamayhenry.blogspot.com/ for great stuff and big things.
October 14, 2009
MOO GOO GUY DAN
You'll be pleased to know that I slept fine on Monday night, probably because I woke up so early the day before and I ate nothing but rubbish on Monday. If Gary Null's "Food Mood Connection" (pictured below) taught us anything, it's that eating junk food makes you catch mad z's.
They hired totally the wrong type of model for this
Also on Monday night I was feeling blue because I couldn't get that camera to work and I was lonely in our big apartment because Liv was still in Thanksgiving mode in rural southwestern Ontario. I was ready for a nice night of watching TV and live sports, but much to my chagrin, the Leafs lost real bad again and I ate another meal way too fast so I felt real bloated and things went back to sad town. But because I got enough sleep, my early day at work isn't as much like torture as it usually is, so I'm looking to glide into the rest of the week with smiles and kisses.
After reading that paragraph, it would seem that I'm manic depressive. Though I have been bummed the last little while for various reasons, I'm generally a happy dude, my problem being that I let little things bother me, so when a bunch of little things malfunction around the same time, the whole "machine" is affected and I end up whining.
That's enough self-diagnosis for today. Say, do any of you work for Mirvish Productions? If so, eat shit. I must have got on their email list because I bought my mom tickets to Dirty Dancing once, and despite my efforts to unsubscribe, I keep getting emails. I can just picture the unsubscribe inbox that no one ever checks, packed full of angry emails, and one day some new guy will have to go through it and unsubscribe millions of frowners like me. Either that or it's just a sick game.
"This guy wants to unsubscribe again."
"Hahahaha. Send him another Jersey Boys offer."
"Hasn't this gone on long enough?"
"I'm a prankster, and this is what pranksters do."
"What are you talking about?"
"I'll answer that with a question of my own - what brand of underpants are you wearing?"
"Um, hold on... HEY! Where'd they go?"
"I'm a prankster Scott, a real tricky duck."
They hired totally the wrong type of model for thisAlso on Monday night I was feeling blue because I couldn't get that camera to work and I was lonely in our big apartment because Liv was still in Thanksgiving mode in rural southwestern Ontario. I was ready for a nice night of watching TV and live sports, but much to my chagrin, the Leafs lost real bad again and I ate another meal way too fast so I felt real bloated and things went back to sad town. But because I got enough sleep, my early day at work isn't as much like torture as it usually is, so I'm looking to glide into the rest of the week with smiles and kisses.
After reading that paragraph, it would seem that I'm manic depressive. Though I have been bummed the last little while for various reasons, I'm generally a happy dude, my problem being that I let little things bother me, so when a bunch of little things malfunction around the same time, the whole "machine" is affected and I end up whining.
That's enough self-diagnosis for today. Say, do any of you work for Mirvish Productions? If so, eat shit. I must have got on their email list because I bought my mom tickets to Dirty Dancing once, and despite my efforts to unsubscribe, I keep getting emails. I can just picture the unsubscribe inbox that no one ever checks, packed full of angry emails, and one day some new guy will have to go through it and unsubscribe millions of frowners like me. Either that or it's just a sick game.
"This guy wants to unsubscribe again."
"Hahahaha. Send him another Jersey Boys offer."
"Hasn't this gone on long enough?"
"I'm a prankster, and this is what pranksters do."
"What are you talking about?"
"I'll answer that with a question of my own - what brand of underpants are you wearing?"
"Um, hold on... HEY! Where'd they go?"
"I'm a prankster Scott, a real tricky duck."
October 13, 2009
SCOOPY DOO
As most of you spent your Thanksgiving Monday pigging out on old food, I was up at 9:00am filming this video that we're going to be debuting at an upcoming JET FIGHTER PILOTS show. We had lots of fun and even ate food from the BURGER KING - I had a famous Whopper sandwich, frenched fries an a classic cola. I hadn't eaten this meal in soooo long but I love Whoppers so much because there's no mustard and a whole lot mayonnaise, my most used sauce. A&W teen burgers are the exact opposite -- all mustard. And while I don't really have a problem with mustard anymore, I still don't want it dominating my beef. It makes sense because teens are yellow, sharp, pungent and sometimes annoying. When I was a teen, I was a Dijon mustard -- sophisticated, spicy, and named after a place in France.
Shooting videos can be tough, because it takes a long time and sometimes I don't know what I'm doing. This time around we used Andy's newish HD camera and when I got it home to extract the footage, I ran into several problems and now the project hangs in the balance. I find it odd that when companies make these cameras they don't bother to think about the people who are using them and the computers they have. I'm sure it all has something to do with money and business, two areas I don't understand and hate talking about.
My sis bought Liv and I some Mentos 'fresh cola' flavoured candies from the European continent. When you first taste them, the candy shell tastes like BLOFFF, but the soft centre tastes like YIP! Since the soft centre is the best part of Mentos, I give these odd snacks an "a-okay" and a "I'd eat those again". The package describes them as CHEWY DRAGEES, which I really like, and will use as an alias if I ever want to check into a hotel anonymously or if I start a solo project.
Big Internet congratulations to friends Maureen and Greg who just birthed a human boy! Since he was born on the same day as my brother, I'll never forget the date, thus ensuring my friend ranking will remain in the upper echelons.
Shooting videos can be tough, because it takes a long time and sometimes I don't know what I'm doing. This time around we used Andy's newish HD camera and when I got it home to extract the footage, I ran into several problems and now the project hangs in the balance. I find it odd that when companies make these cameras they don't bother to think about the people who are using them and the computers they have. I'm sure it all has something to do with money and business, two areas I don't understand and hate talking about.
My sis bought Liv and I some Mentos 'fresh cola' flavoured candies from the European continent. When you first taste them, the candy shell tastes like BLOFFF, but the soft centre tastes like YIP! Since the soft centre is the best part of Mentos, I give these odd snacks an "a-okay" and a "I'd eat those again". The package describes them as CHEWY DRAGEES, which I really like, and will use as an alias if I ever want to check into a hotel anonymously or if I start a solo project.
This picture is a lot better if you imagine the package glued to a wood-paneled wall.
Big Internet congratulations to friends Maureen and Greg who just birthed a human boy! Since he was born on the same day as my brother, I'll never forget the date, thus ensuring my friend ranking will remain in the upper echelons.
October 12, 2009
ARE MOTHBALLS STILL IN, OR IS THERE SOMETHING BETTER?
Thanksgiving -- I don't get how Canadians made this happen, because as far as I know, we didn't have pilgrims, but we do love turkey like any dudes on Earth so why not have it a bit earlier and just party on?
I got to the homeland a touch early this season, in lieu of my brother's 25th birthday. We ate a fabulous Italian meal courtesy of chef Donny and ate an ice cream cake courtesy of the Cold Stone Creamery (our local Tim Horton's is a major player in the combo Tim's/Cold Stone pilot project).
The only problem is that I ate almost all of the foods that my doctor advised me not to eat to ensure butt health -- I indulged in Italian sauces, garlic, chocolate, coffee, wine, beer, and liquor. Sometimes you just gotta throw the rules out the window and get wild.
Luckily I recovered for Sunday's turkey feast, which is always in the top 5 meals of the year. Imagine how much turkey people would eat if it only took like, half an hour to cook? I'd be eating turkey and eggs for breakfast. I bet in an alternate universe, people eat whole sharks for special holidays. Imagine the presentation possibilities...
Here's what I'm thankful for:
Cigarettes
I don't smoke, but the option is always there in case I want to look radical or if I need a prop for a bit. Plus, they make me feel good that I don't smoke, thus allowing me to assure myself that I'm a-okay.
Baseball Mitts
They last forever and allow you to play catch whenever you want.
Carpet
Is there anything on Earth that is as underrated as carpet?
But seriously guys, I'm most thankful for family and friends, because they make you feel real good when life throws shit in your eye. So thanks everyone, and keep being cool dude(tte)s.
I'll leave it at that and let you get on with your day off. Rake some leaves and start getting nuts about Halloween -- the next major North American event.
I got to the homeland a touch early this season, in lieu of my brother's 25th birthday. We ate a fabulous Italian meal courtesy of chef Donny and ate an ice cream cake courtesy of the Cold Stone Creamery (our local Tim Horton's is a major player in the combo Tim's/Cold Stone pilot project).
The only problem is that I ate almost all of the foods that my doctor advised me not to eat to ensure butt health -- I indulged in Italian sauces, garlic, chocolate, coffee, wine, beer, and liquor. Sometimes you just gotta throw the rules out the window and get wild.
Luckily I recovered for Sunday's turkey feast, which is always in the top 5 meals of the year. Imagine how much turkey people would eat if it only took like, half an hour to cook? I'd be eating turkey and eggs for breakfast. I bet in an alternate universe, people eat whole sharks for special holidays. Imagine the presentation possibilities...
Here's what I'm thankful for:
Cigarettes
I don't smoke, but the option is always there in case I want to look radical or if I need a prop for a bit. Plus, they make me feel good that I don't smoke, thus allowing me to assure myself that I'm a-okay.
Baseball Mitts
They last forever and allow you to play catch whenever you want.
Carpet
Is there anything on Earth that is as underrated as carpet?
But seriously guys, I'm most thankful for family and friends, because they make you feel real good when life throws shit in your eye. So thanks everyone, and keep being cool dude(tte)s.
I'll leave it at that and let you get on with your day off. Rake some leaves and start getting nuts about Halloween -- the next major North American event.
October 9, 2009
NEW MOVIE - 'ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DORK?' - ABOUT YOUNG LOVE ON CAMPUS
I'm not going to talk about Thanksgiving until Monday, so everyone who showed up looking for turkey talk and gravy gab will have to wait until then. There are pressing matters that need to be discussed:
Sarah Palin's daughter's baby's father is going nude for Playgirl!
My immediate reaction to this news was -- "this just made a silly situation even sillier and a dumb guy even dumber", kind of like when OJ Simpson got arrested last year. But the more I thought about it, the more I started to respect his decision. Let's look a the pros and cons:
Pro:
This guy is so dumb he'd probably eventually end up naked on the Internet anyway, so he might as well make a few clams while he has the chance.
Con:
His already questionable legacy as the teenage father to Sarah Palin's grandson is further soiled, as most people don't tend to respect teenage fathers who get floppy in front of the camera for middle-aged women trying to have some fun before menopause.
Pro:
Teenagers grow up really fast these days and they're having sex before they learn long division. Levi Johnston posing nude is the modern equivalent of Bobby Darin giving a few winks at the sock hop. What us adults view as a disgusting cash grab on Mr. Johnston's part, teenage girls view as a reasonable opportunity to get a few dong peaks in before they hit the mall to find new g-strings.
Con:
When girls fell in love with Zac Efron, teenage guys everywhere flocked to their mom's salons to get their own "Sweepy Zac" hairdo to attract the opposite sex. I'm scared that these pictures may spur a nude man trend if word gets around the schoolyard that the girls are falling in love with Levi and his Johnston.
Pro:
P.T. Anderson's Boogie Nights and Milton Berle taught the world that a wiener can make a guy's career. If this guy's wing wong is reasonably good, then perhaps other career doors will open, such as porn star, male escort, stripper or underwear model. Plus, slutty girls everywhere won't have to play the guessing game if they have a rendezvous with the guy and can dig right in knowing exactly what to expect.
Con:
If his rod isn't great, then everything's screwed. Also, he is now primed for lifelong ridicule from the male population. Luckily the guy lives in Alaska, so it probably won't be bad.
I'm siding with "PRO" on this one. According to Wikipedia, the guy wants to be an electrician or something, so as long as he stays in Alaska after this, sticks to his trade and doesn't try to be a celebrity I completely support his decision. Oh! And big PRO - Sarah Palin must be sooooo pissed. Her reaction must have been so funny. Either that or she was like "OHHHHHHH babay! I've been trying to see that young buck's eel for a long time, and now I can NO PROBLEM. AHAHAHA, what a country!"
Instead of hugging your loved ones this Thanksgiving weekend, give them a hair sniff and neck lick instead and just see what happens. If it gets weird they'll forgive you because no one wants to be mad during the holidays.
Sarah Palin's daughter's baby's father is going nude for Playgirl!
My immediate reaction to this news was -- "this just made a silly situation even sillier and a dumb guy even dumber", kind of like when OJ Simpson got arrested last year. But the more I thought about it, the more I started to respect his decision. Let's look a the pros and cons:
Pro:This guy is so dumb he'd probably eventually end up naked on the Internet anyway, so he might as well make a few clams while he has the chance.
Con:
His already questionable legacy as the teenage father to Sarah Palin's grandson is further soiled, as most people don't tend to respect teenage fathers who get floppy in front of the camera for middle-aged women trying to have some fun before menopause.
Pro:
Teenagers grow up really fast these days and they're having sex before they learn long division. Levi Johnston posing nude is the modern equivalent of Bobby Darin giving a few winks at the sock hop. What us adults view as a disgusting cash grab on Mr. Johnston's part, teenage girls view as a reasonable opportunity to get a few dong peaks in before they hit the mall to find new g-strings.
Con:
When girls fell in love with Zac Efron, teenage guys everywhere flocked to their mom's salons to get their own "Sweepy Zac" hairdo to attract the opposite sex. I'm scared that these pictures may spur a nude man trend if word gets around the schoolyard that the girls are falling in love with Levi and his Johnston.
Pro:
P.T. Anderson's Boogie Nights and Milton Berle taught the world that a wiener can make a guy's career. If this guy's wing wong is reasonably good, then perhaps other career doors will open, such as porn star, male escort, stripper or underwear model. Plus, slutty girls everywhere won't have to play the guessing game if they have a rendezvous with the guy and can dig right in knowing exactly what to expect.
Con:
If his rod isn't great, then everything's screwed. Also, he is now primed for lifelong ridicule from the male population. Luckily the guy lives in Alaska, so it probably won't be bad.
CONCLUSION???
I'm siding with "PRO" on this one. According to Wikipedia, the guy wants to be an electrician or something, so as long as he stays in Alaska after this, sticks to his trade and doesn't try to be a celebrity I completely support his decision. Oh! And big PRO - Sarah Palin must be sooooo pissed. Her reaction must have been so funny. Either that or she was like "OHHHHHHH babay! I've been trying to see that young buck's eel for a long time, and now I can NO PROBLEM. AHAHAHA, what a country!"
WEEKEND CHALLENGE
Instead of hugging your loved ones this Thanksgiving weekend, give them a hair sniff and neck lick instead and just see what happens. If it gets weird they'll forgive you because no one wants to be mad during the holidays.
October 8, 2009
IF YOU GO TO MONGOLIA PICK ME UP A CASE OF SNIX BARS
With all the hype surrounding yesterday's Canadian launch of Google Street View, an online tool allowing users to go outside without going outside, I thought I'd talk about Halloween.
Here are some costume tips and tricks ensuring your Halloween is fun, safe, crazy, sexy, cool, tight, black, up and good. Some of these tips I'm scared to share because I haven't come up with a costume yet. If one of them is real good I'll write "callsies" beside it and you have to ignore it and just use it for entertainment purposes.
Actually, I don't want to do that. All I could think of was something about Twitter and getting 140 friends together each with a word taped to them, but I feel like some college frat somewhere will end up doing that, thus sullying the aim of my piece, which was to get you to say, "that's so dumb, no one would do that". Plus, there's still Thanksgiving (adult Halloween, where turkey is candy and gravy is Unicef) before actual Halloween, so I think I'm jumping the gun here. What should we do instead?
Oh I know! I got a new Health Card in the mail today and I didn't even ask for one -- USA! USA!. The best part about modern technology, is that it makes old technology (mail) cute. Back in the old days, getting mail was just part of the day along with visiting the blacksmith and fighting pneumonia. But now getting a letter is like going to a thrift store or going on YouTube and looking up Thundercats and then realizing that Thundercats was really boring and we only liked it because it featured creatures with swords, slender cat women in bathing suits, and a mummy.
"Honey, I know the bride isn't supposed to see the groom before the wedding, but I couldn't wait to show you!"
Come on back tomorrow for my Thanksgiving Special, featuring a recipe for chocolate fried stuffing courtesy of Paula Dean and a Thanksgiving prayer led by Roberto Alomar and his choir, "The Handsome Somebodies". Here he is, overachieving as always:
Here are some costume tips and tricks ensuring your Halloween is fun, safe, crazy, sexy, cool, tight, black, up and good. Some of these tips I'm scared to share because I haven't come up with a costume yet. If one of them is real good I'll write "callsies" beside it and you have to ignore it and just use it for entertainment purposes.
Actually, I don't want to do that. All I could think of was something about Twitter and getting 140 friends together each with a word taped to them, but I feel like some college frat somewhere will end up doing that, thus sullying the aim of my piece, which was to get you to say, "that's so dumb, no one would do that". Plus, there's still Thanksgiving (adult Halloween, where turkey is candy and gravy is Unicef) before actual Halloween, so I think I'm jumping the gun here. What should we do instead?
Oh I know! I got a new Health Card in the mail today and I didn't even ask for one -- USA! USA!. The best part about modern technology, is that it makes old technology (mail) cute. Back in the old days, getting mail was just part of the day along with visiting the blacksmith and fighting pneumonia. But now getting a letter is like going to a thrift store or going on YouTube and looking up Thundercats and then realizing that Thundercats was really boring and we only liked it because it featured creatures with swords, slender cat women in bathing suits, and a mummy.
"Honey, I know the bride isn't supposed to see the groom before the wedding, but I couldn't wait to show you!"Come on back tomorrow for my Thanksgiving Special, featuring a recipe for chocolate fried stuffing courtesy of Paula Dean and a Thanksgiving prayer led by Roberto Alomar and his choir, "The Handsome Somebodies". Here he is, overachieving as always:
October 7, 2009
BA BA BLACKSHEEP, HAVE YOU ANY PEAS? YES SIR, YES SIR, I LEFT THEM WITH MY KEYS
The past two Monday nights I've had big trouble getting to sleep because I have to wake up early on Tuesdays, and the pressure psychs me out. I guess if you body always did what your brain wanted it to, we'd all be flying acrobats.
This week I was confident to break the cycle, but unfortunately I completed the trilogy and for the third straight week, tossed all over the place and probably didn't get snoozed until 4ish.
Every one of these instances is accompanied by a song or songs that become lodged in my head at some point during the day. Last week it was the Sopranos theme song and this week it was Tommy Tutone's "867-5309/Jenny" and KISS' "Nothin' to Lose" -- not so bad! I try to keep my mind occupied without thinking of the actual act of sleeping, and I know I'm in trouble when I have to resort to imagining nothing but hot ladies -- it never works in putting me to sleep, but like a chocolate cake diet, it's fun pretending it does.
This time around I thought I was seriously screwed and I wouldn't be able to sleep at all, which has happened to me twice before. At around 3:00 am I decided to read to see if that would work so I grabbed the Artie Lange book about him being fat, dumb and funny. It was pretty much my last resort and it didn't work so I began rehearsing my phone call to work to explain that I wouldn't be able to come in because I didn't get enough pillow time.
I believe the turning point came when I switched positions into a stomach-side formation that I've been tinkering with lately. I hesitate to use it because Liv says I sometimes stop breathing when I do it -- what an adventure!
I went to the Days Inn and urged a Filipino woman to demonstrate, and she was more than happy to as long as I bought her an Eat-More bar and some Corn Nuts. She didn't use her left arm right, so I gave her some mud in a Ziploc bag and hazelnuts and she couldn't tell the difference.
I fell asleep and woke up to a shitty alarm and made some eggs. I knew I was tired when I started making classic sleepy mistakes, like trying to put bread in the toaster but totally missing the slot and trying to ride a cat to work instead of my bike. That last one isn't true, but in the future it'll be as commonplace as rollerblades and ham and cheese on rye.
NEXT WEEK SOLUTION
The only solution I can think of is drugs. The front-runner is Neo Citran, the delicious lemon drink that reminds me of frigid Sunday nights in Mississauga, watching Beachcombers and not blowing my nose because I wasn't into that. Other than that I don't really have any bright ideas. If there were a movie I'd write symphony during these sleepless nights and not remember doing it and then in the end an influential mentor will finally convince me to show it to the public and it'll be called "Sleepless in Seattle".
This week I was confident to break the cycle, but unfortunately I completed the trilogy and for the third straight week, tossed all over the place and probably didn't get snoozed until 4ish.
Every one of these instances is accompanied by a song or songs that become lodged in my head at some point during the day. Last week it was the Sopranos theme song and this week it was Tommy Tutone's "867-5309/Jenny" and KISS' "Nothin' to Lose" -- not so bad! I try to keep my mind occupied without thinking of the actual act of sleeping, and I know I'm in trouble when I have to resort to imagining nothing but hot ladies -- it never works in putting me to sleep, but like a chocolate cake diet, it's fun pretending it does.
This time around I thought I was seriously screwed and I wouldn't be able to sleep at all, which has happened to me twice before. At around 3:00 am I decided to read to see if that would work so I grabbed the Artie Lange book about him being fat, dumb and funny. It was pretty much my last resort and it didn't work so I began rehearsing my phone call to work to explain that I wouldn't be able to come in because I didn't get enough pillow time.
I believe the turning point came when I switched positions into a stomach-side formation that I've been tinkering with lately. I hesitate to use it because Liv says I sometimes stop breathing when I do it -- what an adventure!
I went to the Days Inn and urged a Filipino woman to demonstrate, and she was more than happy to as long as I bought her an Eat-More bar and some Corn Nuts. She didn't use her left arm right, so I gave her some mud in a Ziploc bag and hazelnuts and she couldn't tell the difference.
I fell asleep and woke up to a shitty alarm and made some eggs. I knew I was tired when I started making classic sleepy mistakes, like trying to put bread in the toaster but totally missing the slot and trying to ride a cat to work instead of my bike. That last one isn't true, but in the future it'll be as commonplace as rollerblades and ham and cheese on rye.NEXT WEEK SOLUTION
The only solution I can think of is drugs. The front-runner is Neo Citran, the delicious lemon drink that reminds me of frigid Sunday nights in Mississauga, watching Beachcombers and not blowing my nose because I wasn't into that. Other than that I don't really have any bright ideas. If there were a movie I'd write symphony during these sleepless nights and not remember doing it and then in the end an influential mentor will finally convince me to show it to the public and it'll be called "Sleepless in Seattle".
October 6, 2009
I REALLY THINK THAT IF VIKINGS EVER MET NATIVES THEY'D GET ALONG AND CREATE SOME WONDERFUL FUSION CUISINE
I'll like to begin today by reminding you that every once in a while I'm prone to repeat an anecdote, fart joke, butt mystery or creative slam dunk description because unlike sausages, I'm not perfect.
To that end, I feel like I've told you about the following, but maybe not, or maybe there's a glitch in the Matrix and everything's messed. In any case, file this one in the "things that are wrong with me" file and if I ever talk about it again it probably means that it's really bothering me, so you should come by with some chicken soup and Ribena, which MIGHT just cheer me up.
I think I've forgotten how to eat. Either that or I have throat cancer. Both are bad, but only one is fixable, and since this isn't the year 3045, and we haven't yet unlocked the secrets of pears, I can probably manage to re-learn eating.
Here's the scoop:
Sometimes I get really hungry at home and just have to pig out, right? I grab a basket of food, sit down and feed, but the thing is I eat too fast, because:
1) Food tastes good, so logic would dictate that I'd want to get as much good into me as quickly and as efficiently as possible, thus the blinding speed.
2) I'm very impatient -- I'm leg shaker, a finger tapper and I don't like going to the bathroom because I don't know how long I'll be in there for, so when I got HOT FOOD in front of me, I make quick work of it because if I don't I get bored.
I don't know what this picture is all about, but I do know it's important
The problem is that I don't chew enough because as soon as bite 1 hits my licker, I'm already ready to take bite 2 and so on and so on. It's like that part on The Simpsons when Lenny says Homer eats like a duck.
The day after I chow down I feel full the whole day and my throat gets swollen. I guess it's because there's a mound of un-chewed, pre-poo food sitting down there and my throat is tired because I stretched it good.
So basically I have to stop doing it. Yesterday the culprit was left-over tacos that I smothered in sour cream and hot sauce. If you see me at a food hut or chow bar, make sure that I take my time and buy me a Coke to wash it all down.
Luckily for me, I can lard pies all day and not gain weight, so my hogging only effects me in the short-term. For more information go to the Mandarin and see how much Black Forest Cake you can eat in 5 minutes and wash it down with something fried.
To that end, I feel like I've told you about the following, but maybe not, or maybe there's a glitch in the Matrix and everything's messed. In any case, file this one in the "things that are wrong with me" file and if I ever talk about it again it probably means that it's really bothering me, so you should come by with some chicken soup and Ribena, which MIGHT just cheer me up.
I think I've forgotten how to eat. Either that or I have throat cancer. Both are bad, but only one is fixable, and since this isn't the year 3045, and we haven't yet unlocked the secrets of pears, I can probably manage to re-learn eating.
Here's the scoop:
Sometimes I get really hungry at home and just have to pig out, right? I grab a basket of food, sit down and feed, but the thing is I eat too fast, because:
1) Food tastes good, so logic would dictate that I'd want to get as much good into me as quickly and as efficiently as possible, thus the blinding speed.
2) I'm very impatient -- I'm leg shaker, a finger tapper and I don't like going to the bathroom because I don't know how long I'll be in there for, so when I got HOT FOOD in front of me, I make quick work of it because if I don't I get bored.
I don't know what this picture is all about, but I do know it's important
The problem is that I don't chew enough because as soon as bite 1 hits my licker, I'm already ready to take bite 2 and so on and so on. It's like that part on The Simpsons when Lenny says Homer eats like a duck.
The day after I chow down I feel full the whole day and my throat gets swollen. I guess it's because there's a mound of un-chewed, pre-poo food sitting down there and my throat is tired because I stretched it good.
So basically I have to stop doing it. Yesterday the culprit was left-over tacos that I smothered in sour cream and hot sauce. If you see me at a food hut or chow bar, make sure that I take my time and buy me a Coke to wash it all down.
Luckily for me, I can lard pies all day and not gain weight, so my hogging only effects me in the short-term. For more information go to the Mandarin and see how much Black Forest Cake you can eat in 5 minutes and wash it down with something fried.
October 5, 2009
THIS ISN'T THAT GOOD, BUT I MADE A PROMISE TO MY LATE PROFESSOR, DR. LOVE
I feel like a real toad for defending Dan Brown so much a couple weeks back, because I just finished his latest, The Lost Symbol, and the only thing I "lost" was $25.99 plus tax and the hope that I'd come out of it knowing more about cool mysteries. Turns out the book is exactly the same as The DaVinci Code only it takes place in Washington and the bad guy has tattoos instead of albinism. Oh yeah, and unlike "the Code", nothing really happens in this book except a lot of talk about pyramids and magic powers, but with no actual pyramids or magic powers. Well there's one pyramid but it's small, so that doesn't count, no matter how many times the book urges you to "look at things differently". It's pretty much a "you can't judge a book by its cover" philosophy, which is fitting considering the cover of the Lost Symbol looks awesome, while it's actually a colossal waste of time wrapped in skunk fur and covered in fart spray.
Lucky for me, my life doesn't revolve around books, but rather rock n' roll and tasty treats, so the aftertaste of The Lost Symbol was quickly washed away with beef and wine at a private wedding ceremony I attended on Friday. The reception was at the University Club, which is place for lawyers and judges to go when they don't feel like partying with all the dumbos out there at the Keg or wherever else middle-aged people go to party. It was decked out in Group of 7 painting and servers in little bow ties, so I was just fine with spending the evening in my suit, pretending like I got a big case on my mind. The bathroom had a shoe buffer!
On Saturday I off course watched hockey and then took to the streets for Nuit Blanche, Toronto's answer to Nuit Blanche, which like berets and food with butter, started in Paris and was copied by everyone. We weren't really gung ho about the whole thing so we didn't go very far. We made sure to check out our friend's laundromat kaleidoscope, which was juuuuuust great. Everything else was too busy and far away, except the CN Tower in our window, so we came back and watched the end of Saturday Night Live where Lady GaGa was being her usual, straight-laced self.
On Sunday Liv's mom took us for a scenic drive to the Forks of the Credit, but the weather was typically "crusty", so we spent a lot of time in the car and then getting Mexican food back in Metropolitan Toronto, home of your Argonauts.
It's Sunday night and I feel severely lazy, so I think this post lacked the brash opinions and razor sharp wit that you're accustomed to, and heck, I didn't even include photos. Don't blame me though, you don't even pay for this service. I'm the "Renter's News" of the Internet.
Lucky for me, my life doesn't revolve around books, but rather rock n' roll and tasty treats, so the aftertaste of The Lost Symbol was quickly washed away with beef and wine at a private wedding ceremony I attended on Friday. The reception was at the University Club, which is place for lawyers and judges to go when they don't feel like partying with all the dumbos out there at the Keg or wherever else middle-aged people go to party. It was decked out in Group of 7 painting and servers in little bow ties, so I was just fine with spending the evening in my suit, pretending like I got a big case on my mind. The bathroom had a shoe buffer!
On Saturday I off course watched hockey and then took to the streets for Nuit Blanche, Toronto's answer to Nuit Blanche, which like berets and food with butter, started in Paris and was copied by everyone. We weren't really gung ho about the whole thing so we didn't go very far. We made sure to check out our friend's laundromat kaleidoscope, which was juuuuuust great. Everything else was too busy and far away, except the CN Tower in our window, so we came back and watched the end of Saturday Night Live where Lady GaGa was being her usual, straight-laced self.
On Sunday Liv's mom took us for a scenic drive to the Forks of the Credit, but the weather was typically "crusty", so we spent a lot of time in the car and then getting Mexican food back in Metropolitan Toronto, home of your Argonauts.
It's Sunday night and I feel severely lazy, so I think this post lacked the brash opinions and razor sharp wit that you're accustomed to, and heck, I didn't even include photos. Don't blame me though, you don't even pay for this service. I'm the "Renter's News" of the Internet.
October 2, 2009
HOCKEY THEMED MATERIAL FOR THE SPORTS DUDES AND CHALLENGE CHICKS
The Toronto Star ran a piece on our beloved Maple Boys and each profile included the players' favourite music. The general consensus this year is that the Leafs love George Strait, Nickelback, U2 and Coldplay. I miss Boyd Devereaux.
I'm sure their picks echo the favourite acts of many Leaf fans out there, but why not ask the players questions that will guarantee answers to please all? Like "Name the player you'd like to kill most" or "what NHL city has the best pork?" Anyway, the point is I want to love the Leafs as much as possible and gets really tough when you know they're pumping themselves up to "Yellow" or "Photograph" or having sex to this:
Tomas Kaberle - Hi baby, I order a pizza with Czech topping - carrots, milk sauce and blue meat
Kaberle's girlfriend - What's "blue meat"
Tomas Kaberle - Pickled goat vein.
Kaberles's girlfriend - What's milk sauce?
Tomas Kaberle - It pickled goat vein blended with cod roe mixed with crow semen.
Kaberle's girlfriend - I don't think Pizza Pizza has that.
Tomas Kaberle - Let us just put on Coldplay's Parachutes and I'll suck your toes.
Kaberle's girlfriend - ...will you buy me a new dress?
Tomas Kaberle - Of course baby, but only if you dip your toes in milk sauce before I lick them.
Kaberle's girlfriend - ...I don't think we have any, but there's some left over creamy garlic Pizza Pizza dipping sauce in the fridge.
Tomas Kaberle - A worthy substitute. Drop socks and let me dip and suck.
Okay, I just finished watching the game so I'm kind of "chiffed". We just lost 4-3 in overtime to the hated Montreal Canadiens. Then, following the game my friend Steenberg dominated me in a game of NHL 10. Pure losses today.
I'm sorry if I alienated any non-sportos out there. For reference sake, Tomas Kaberle is the no-beard, rosy cheeked, stalwart defencemen who plays for our beloved Leafys. He's really Czech and skates smooth. Let's have a weekend!
I'm sure their picks echo the favourite acts of many Leaf fans out there, but why not ask the players questions that will guarantee answers to please all? Like "Name the player you'd like to kill most" or "what NHL city has the best pork?" Anyway, the point is I want to love the Leafs as much as possible and gets really tough when you know they're pumping themselves up to "Yellow" or "Photograph" or having sex to this:
Tomas Kaberle - Hi baby, I order a pizza with Czech topping - carrots, milk sauce and blue meat
Kaberle's girlfriend - What's "blue meat"
Tomas Kaberle - Pickled goat vein.
Kaberles's girlfriend - What's milk sauce?
Tomas Kaberle - It pickled goat vein blended with cod roe mixed with crow semen.
Kaberle's girlfriend - I don't think Pizza Pizza has that.
Tomas Kaberle - Let us just put on Coldplay's Parachutes and I'll suck your toes.
Kaberle's girlfriend - ...will you buy me a new dress?
Tomas Kaberle - Of course baby, but only if you dip your toes in milk sauce before I lick them.
Kaberle's girlfriend - ...I don't think we have any, but there's some left over creamy garlic Pizza Pizza dipping sauce in the fridge.
Tomas Kaberle - A worthy substitute. Drop socks and let me dip and suck.
Okay, I just finished watching the game so I'm kind of "chiffed". We just lost 4-3 in overtime to the hated Montreal Canadiens. Then, following the game my friend Steenberg dominated me in a game of NHL 10. Pure losses today.
I'm sorry if I alienated any non-sportos out there. For reference sake, Tomas Kaberle is the no-beard, rosy cheeked, stalwart defencemen who plays for our beloved Leafys. He's really Czech and skates smooth. Let's have a weekend!
October 1, 2009
THIS IS FOR YOUR DAY AT THE OFFICE OR YOUR NIGHT AT THE KEG
WORKPLACE HUMOUR FOR MODERN PROFESSIONALS
Signs you're not getting that big raise this year
Every co-worker has a Ferrari and you still don't even have shoes. When you ask them what the deal is they all respond "don't worry man, in Italy these things cost as much as pickles."
Instead of getting in trouble when you're caught stealing a pen, the office manager encourages you to take home a chair and a printer too.
Instead of a cake on your birthday, your fellow employees chip in and get you bread, rice, shoes and a Bible.
When you ask your boss about the whole thing, he changes the subject, saying, "that thing you do with Silly Putty where you put it on a newspaper and it copies the newspaper is so underrated" and then pretends there's a bee on his tie and runs away laughing.
BUSINESS POWER TIPS WITH AN EXPERT
"Hi, I'm Crap Crowley, Georgia Businessman of the Year, 1989 and owner of CROWLEY FOUNTAINS in Savannah. Whether you're selling fountains, cars, tennis equipment, spoons, or golf equipment, just remember - fountains sell themselves. Just plug 'em in and let 'em do what they do best. The secret to my success is selling magic. People don't know how fountains work, so I lead them to believe that God has something to do with it. Little do they know that the "water pump" is the only divine presence involved! Pumps put my kids through college and my wife through 34 plastic surgeries, including a leg sharpening and an ear softening. Do you have dreams? Stop what you're doing and buy a fountain from me and all your dreams will come true, especially the ones about floppy boobs. Water is the life blood of nature and fountains are the the lifeblood of water, so you need a fountain to live. Also, get on the Internet already!"
Smart Fashion Tips for the Modern Employee
Meet Diego, Senior Mainframe Analyst at the Seagram Company, who shows off his design skills AND company price with this beautiful "Modern Rag" style jacket emblazoned with the logo of his favourite home team brand. "I fix the computers that fill thebottles and stitch the velet bags they come in, so hell ya I represent the Royalty. "
Duncan's outfit shocked his co-workers at Carl Goo's Crêperie in Halifax when they first saw it. But once he turned around, the positive vibe from the confident message spread like wildfire and the store sold more crêpes than ever before.
Moondy gives us the latest from Flute Newton Fall Collection. It's a removable a-line skirt revealing a high cut denim panty. Each layer provides a different professional, sexy fresh look for the office and conversion is as simple as taking off a skirt. Find the "Mrs. President" at any flea market or UFTC approved travelling expo.
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