SERIOUSLY TERRIBLE

Hey hound dogs, Big Hunk here coming at you live from my parent's house. Why am I here and how do I feel? Our journey begins at 5:00am, Sunday November 29.

As some of you sleuths know, I was to attend a footballs game in Buffalo and the forecast was sports action and fun with friends. Everything went just perfectly, with a great pre-game tailgate, lovely weather and a semi-exciting match between the Bills and the Dolphins. I drank a bunch of beers, ate a bunch of objects, smoked a cigar and generally had a fantastic time.

We left the stadium around 4:30 and kind of got lost until a man in a white van said we could follow him to the Peace Bridge where we were to retreat to our home country of Ontario. I was pretty much asleep in the car at this point, but apparently the Peace Bridge was closed so everyone proceeded to the Lewiston Bridge, and when I say everyone I mean a million cars because I swear to you friend, we were at the border for seven hours.


People were getting out of their cars and peeing all over, and walking up the road to see if they were getting any closer, but it was all futile. The four of us in the car each went crazy a few times and most of us felt like barfing at least once, but we finally made it back to Mississauga at 1:15 am, almost 10 hours after we left and when I got naked to get into my old bed, my clothes smelled like the air freshener from the car.

Photo courtesy of Post Cereals.

So whenever I think back to going to see the Bills in '09, I'll always think of sitting in a car barely moving instead of all the good stuff that happened, and I'll probably laugh. But not yet. I still feel like utter garbojosa so I'm not going to work and instead will fill my body with much needed vitamins, minerals and chocolate milk. Whenever something like this happens to me that's shitty but not really that bad, I think about people in Botswana who eat mud all day to remind myself that things could be worse. But I still whine because I was raised a middle class North American. Until my next non-tragic but still frustrating tale, I've been a guy.

I INVENTED A BOAT THAT RUNS ON BEARDS

This weekend me and the kids are packing up and heading to Buffalo, New York to see a football game between the hometown "Bills" and Miami's Dolphins. If all goes to plan, the Bills will win, I'll get drunk, and then find a basket of jewels allowing me to live my dream of moving into a pizza parlor guarded by bears until I die leaving the remainder of my fortune to public broadcasting.

Last year I went to my first NFL game and had a party of a time, so it's going to be tough to top. The only thing missing from last year was tons of female nudity, so I'm planning on getting a cool haircut and wearing the tightest pants I have in order to get the ladies bare. If that doesn't work I'll just eat more hamburgers to make up for it and bring along my sunglasses that have pictures of Ginger Spice taped to the insides of the lenses.

I have a few memories of Buffalo, the most of which are courtesy of an annual tournament my hockey association would take to nearby Amherst, New York. All we did was play hockey, go swimming, eat pizza and play arcade games. My parents were always good about not spoiling us, so we never really went on lavish American shopping sprees like some families, but once they bought me a Jim Kelly jersey and a fresh pair of Ewings.


For those of you with your heads up your cave, Patrick Ewing had a line of shoes that were popular with basketballs players, inner-city youth, and kiddies from the suburbs like me. I loved my shoes a lot, but one day I went to my cousin's birthday party and him and all his friends were into heavy metal and made fun of rappers and Ewing shoes. So I spent most of the party trying to hide the fact that I was wearing a pair myself because being cool is very important to a middle class kid whose only other worries are girls, homework, zits and clogging the toilet.

NEW LINKS ADDED

Check out these three hot fuckin babes and their respective net presences - Laura McCoy, Deborah Etta Robinson, and the girl who I share a lease with, Southern Ontario's own Liv. Laura draws, Deborah orates for smiles and Liv draws and tells you what she thinks is cool, so expect a lot of content about egg and cheese bagels, Simpsons quotes and warm weather. Don't expect that. It's not about that.

UNLESS I HEAR OTHERWISE, OUR RED LOBSTER IS SCHDULED TO OPEN TODAY

COOL OF THE PAST

Around my 16th year my friend Dave and I bought a 50cc Honda mini bike. Besides big boobs to handle, a little dirt bike is what teen boys want most.

It pretty much looked like this, but had more silly accessories like a taped-on flashlight acting as a headlight and stickers about yuppies dying.

The main summer we had it, my street was experiencing a major makeover, so there was basically a dirt bike track right outside my house, making the mini bike the perfect accessory.

Unfortunately, the road work was eventually completed, so we had to find other places to ride, which was tough beef because riding it was loud, illegal and silly. If we rode in the hydro lines a lady would yell at us, if we rode on the street my dad would yell at us and if we rode in my backyard my dad would yell at us.

Things went really downhill when I was giving my friend a ride home and I got stopped by a member of a local police squadron. He lambasted me for my lack of helmet and licence and wasn't very impressed by our homemade headlight. He asked me if the mini bike would leak gas if he put it in his trunk, and I said "no sir" but when he put it in it started to leak gas so he got really loopy and decided to embarrass me big time. He made me walk it down the sidewalk of a busy street while he drove slowly alongside me with his flashing lights on. We got to a plaza where I had to call my dad, who brought out the "I told you so's" and pretty much made the decision that we were to sell the mini bike.

It sucks that digital cameras cost a million dollars back in 1998, or else I'd have galleries of pictures of the old girl. I had a dream last night that I was riding it again in a cool race that went through a forest. I got stuck in the mud but found a lady's watch so I wasn't that pissed.

COOL OF THE PRESENT

My friend JJ McCurls bought this Return of the Jedi wallpaper from this guy we went to high school with and when his dad moved or something I took it as my own.

Attention future wives - my kid's room is going to be plastered with this stuff whether you like it or not. You can choose everything else, the bed, the diaper pot, the juice trough, and even the soother chest, but the wall is mine. I'm also putting up a dart board for me and the fellas.

Okay dunes, time for bed and maybe snacks, who knows? I don't how your schedule works or which hour of the day you allot to "hangin' free". That'd be a trick question for me because I do it 24 - 7 - 359.

DIMES ARE THE CUTEST AND NICKELS ARE THE ANNOYING IDIOT DOWN THE STREET

INSIDE THE SAUSAGE FACTORY

or

The last couple of weeks I've had a tougher time than usual coming up with real life stories and thought-provoking essays to fill the annals of this thing called blog. Since I decided to write in here every day I've come up with different ways to fill the space when I have nothing to say, which I'm sure comes across sometimes, especially when I re-post old Internet journal entries from eight years ago and then commentate on how I have the same clothes as I did then.

Anyway, I find the best way to get over not having anything to say is to talk about having nothing to say, which is where we find ourselves right now.

See that? I used up so much space. But really, I think the best way to think of things to write is to just think of anything and then write about it. So like if I chose a word like "cactus" I'd just have to write about my experiences with cacti throughout the years and my opinion on them.

I don't want to talk about those prickly green assholes though, I want to talk about eBay.

PERSONAL SHOPPING TRENDS

Sponsored by Bick's - "We're the tastiest goddamn pickled cucumber you ever stuffed in your hole"

Every year around this time I'm supposed to start thinking about things I should be buying for others, but I usually end up buying a bunch of stuff for myself, which could explain why I've been trolling eBay the last few days looking for vintage sportswear.

I really like old tennis styles from the 80's and early nineties like this guy but haven't found any real winners, partly because I'm scared of sizing issues. I've won at least three things from eBay that have been way too small for me, ignoring the listed size because the item was too good to pass up. But it's stupid because now I have an unwearable Hartford Whalers sweatshirt and Don Mattingly t-shirt that I guess I'll save for my cool son named Gator down the road. My friends and I adopted the thrift store philosophy that if you find something good you buy it no matter what because there's bound to be someone you know who will fit into it, which is probably the kindest philosophy my friends and I have -- much better than the "fart if you got 'em" mantra.

I also really like old jerseys and jackets, and my current infactuation is with a Starter jacket from the nineties that I saw an old guy wearing last week. It was an NHL coat, with the old logo and the old colours and as a fan of the NHL in general, I like the idea of sporting a garment that reflects love of the league and not a particular team. So if you're in the thrift district scarfing cotton candy and you see one of these babies, pick it up for me and I'll gladly lick your sticky, pink fingers in return.

TOUJOURS COCA COLA

Do kids prank call anymore? They probably can't because of good technology and they probably don't even want to anyway because they think the pranks of our generation are just a pile of old fashioned shit. Even we started having trouble with making fake calls because caller ID came around and nerds stopped using phones in favour of newsgroups, ICQ and better walkie talkies.

Guy's got nice lookin hands

I guess Jackass and Ashton Kutcher's legendary Punk'd are the new prank calls, which isn't that bad because at least it gets kids out of the house. But to be good at that kind of thing you need expensive equipment, skateboards and actors and stuff, while with prank calls all you needed was a phone book, a telephone, a pubic teen with a deepish voice, and a sense of adventure. I remember we used to call ads for people seeking band members and so many times we'd get burned because the person would be like "you sound like you're 12", which was pretty much true.

I could never manage to put together a successful prank call because I'd either laugh really hard or just feel sorry for whoever I was talking to so it never worked very well. That's why I'm going to Heaven and the Jerky Boys are going to the unemployment line!

Once we get our friend to call the manager of the grocery store a few of us worked at because the guy was a giant thumb down. Because he was such a dick he must have been accustomed to being pranked so when our friend launched into his routine, the guy didn't bite at all. It went something like this:

"Hello?"
"Yo man what up, it's Big Dog"
"Big Dog who." (said more as a statement rather than an aloof question)
"uhhhhh"

Then he hung up because the guy was onto him no problem.

We started calling guys in the phone book named 'Peter Parker' and telling them we knew they were Spiderman, but it all derailed after Andy left a message as Eddie Brock and went a bit overboard by saying "Peter, it's Eddie, we know who you are, we're going to kill you".

We called a "Ray Bourque" after he won the Stanley Cup but the lady on the phone said that he'd been dead for a few years or something.

I wish I didn't know what the Simpsons were so that this poster would make me go "whaaaaaaaaaaatttt"

In conclusion, don't ever forget about the phenomenon of p(c)rank phone calls. They were like our generation's video games when you were at some guy's house who had shit video games.

ANYTHING CAN BE 'LOOT'

I spent most the weekend under the blankets eating nibblies and watching cheerleader movies.

Yeah right, that's a twerp's weekend.

In reality I went to Comedy Bar a bunch to see renowned chuckle wolf Todd Barry, who made everyone laugh with jokes. The rest of the time was spent cooking a delicious stew, listening to Purple Rain, touring thrift stores and going to one birthday party with beer. Each activity produced success, as the stew was hearty and hot, the Prince hasn't changed of course, I found a couple of key sports jerseys and a couple of street looks while shopping and the party was fun because it was the kind with friends.

Based on the early Christmas toy commercials, things that glow are still in BIG TIME.

Yo check this guy out for no reason:



When I was a boy I actually liked singing quite a bit, but my dreams were destroyed when I failed to secure a major role in the school's production of Peter Pan. I had another chance the next year with Oliver Twist, and was cast as the police officer who shoots Fagin at the end. The parents didn't like that because I guess children don't know what dying is. Anyway, after I shoot the guy, me and the townspeople crowd around him, Oliver says some British shit and the play ends. The guy who played Fagin would always make farting noises while we were huddled around him and I had trouble containing myself, farts being the funniest noise at the time.

After that I went to a senior public school, got a smooth deep voice and packed my vocals away until they resurfaced with my first band "Jamal Inc." which I think was the actually the dumbest band ever. I wasn't even lead vocalist though.

You don't care about that and neither do I, so let's forget about, go read thestar.com and continue with our days. See you in Calgary for the Grey Cup.

Later!

- Cheeks

MUD MAN DUMPS GIRLFRIEND FOR SOME REASON

Back in university I was approached by the people over at Chicken Soup for _____ Soul to contribute to a new volume directed toward party animals. They had read my essay published in the Molson monthly corporate newsletter called "Beer Soaked Bras and Puke Stained Ikea Rugs" and thought it was right for the project. I said "no way" because I'm an old school punk rocker, so they asked if I wanted to write for the teen edition instead and I said "sure, great opportunity". I compiled some memories of my childhood relationship with teenagers:


Being a kid in suburbia, teenagers were the scariest thing around besides big dogs and maybe a pervert if your town had one.

There was a family of teenagers up the street from us and one day I rode my bike on their lawn while one of them was mowing and he yelled at me so from then on I always rode my bike on the other side of the road.

Then there was this one guy who wore a Notre Dame jacket all the time so we called him "Notre Dame" and this guy was a big time idiot who'd always say something shitty to younger kids probably because his dad was better than him or something. Whenever we'd go to the pizza parlor to play Street Fighter II and he was there we'd have to hang back or else he'd scare us.


My friend had an older brother who was a notorious asshole and I was in his basement once with my friends playing our electric guitars and this guy came down and I was like "shit". I was visibly frightened and the guy smelled my fear and was like "if I told you to be scared, would you be scared" and I go "yeah" and then he said "be scared". I gave a nervous laugh and let him play my guitar as much as he wanted while everyone else continued to learn "Come As You Are".

Once my brother and I had a day off school so we went tobogganing in the hydro lines and were having a great little time. This was until we realized that high school didn't have a day off and since the hydros were a main artery in the teenaged commute, we were suddenly faced with throngs of puberts, so we had to get out of there quick. Nothing happened though, don't worry.

We had a moment of glory in grade 9 when paddling was a popular initiation ritual. We saw this one guy hide his paddle in the bushes, so we grabbed it and destroyed it, thus saving the asses of several early teen boy men.


Those are 100% true tales with a 100% untrue introductory paragraph. Different strokes for different yolks.

Starting this weekend I have a solid stretch of fun activities so stay tuned for mad capped re caps and pictures of me with glamorous Hollywood stars. "Enjoy the meals you're about to stuff into you" - Gordie Howe

ISLANDS HAVE THE BEST AND BIGGEST MOATS

I keep getting people calling my phone and expecting a different guy, and I think it's because I have a really flashy number that many people over the years have enjoyed.

I'm pretty sure that in the not-to-distant future we're not even going to need phone numbers and the idea of dialing a wrong number will be a concept the next generation will find absolutely hilarious. Their phones will be part of the nano computers implanted into their eyeballs at birth, and they won't even have to talk out loud for the other person to hear them, it'll all be thoughts and everyone will see the world like this:

Or like this:

Or maybe like this:


Did you guys read this? As much as it's probably all bull sweat, I think there's a some reasonable points, like how technology is changing so quickly these days -- "...the phone in his pocket contained a computer that was a thousand times more powerful than the room-sized computer he used as a younger man, and a million times less expensive." I tried to think of an analogous situation and say something like "the hamburger has faced a similar fate", but it was too tough. Although if you flip a few things around you get:

"...the menu in his restaurant contained a room-sized burger that was a thousand times more powerful than the burger he ate as a younger man, and a million times more expensive."

All my generation wanted to see before we die was flying cars, and now it looks like we may get in on immortality? That guarantees us at least flying cars, space travel, the invisible man, gills, new dinosaurs and a remake of Star Wars before we get bored and get our nurse droid to laser us dead. I just want to make sure I'm around for when we finally SeaQuest some dolphins, sign a pact with them and become co-leaders of Earth, with them handling the oceans, and us handling the land.

If immortality happens I guess it would mean that suicide would become a lot more tolerable and sky diving would become way more popular.

KOMODO DRAGONS ARE SO 2001

BRIGHT SIDE

On the bright side I pulled the trigger on a new winter coat, thanks to the encouragement of Liv and the frustrations of the broken zipper on the previous jacket. I'd also like to thank my new way of shopping, which is to find something you like and want to buy, then going home and seeing if you can find it cheaper on the Internet, and then going back if you can't find it on the Internet, which is how the whole ordeal played out. So far, the new garment I'm nicknaming "Rowan Atkinson", has passed the test of keeping me warm, although there are far greater challenges that lie deep in the depths of January.

It kind of made me realize that my old coat wasn't as warm as I thought it was. Not only is it not as warm as the new baby boy, but it's also way heavier, so basically I was walking around with a Chevy Caprice Classic when I could've had a Bee Emm Double ew the whole time. Still though, respect to the old green Sorel, it got me through 4 winters and it only cost $120 from a warehouse sale in northern Mississauga, home of an airport, some Tim Hortons and teens who have bikes but never use them.

EVIL SIDE

On the evil side I had trouble sleeping on Monday, which I can blame mostly on the parade of garbage trucks, ambulances, helicopters, idiots, streetcars and police cruisers that occupied Queen Street between the hours of 1:00 and 6:00 am. Just when a garbage truck would waddle into the distance I'd be like "oh yeah, bedtime" then a helicopter would zoom by followed by three streetcars then more garbage trucks. I'm used to the street noise, but Monday is like the pay per view where you get access to every all-star on the loud civic vehicle roster.

THERE ISN'T ANYTHING IN HERE YOU NEED TO KNOW BY ANY MEANS

Enough about me, it's time for our yearly look at Ken Griffey Jr. I read this human interest story a few days ago and in the video they post it shows Mr. Ken in Japan sporting an Official All Star Cafe shirt. If you recall, the All Star Cafe was Planet Hollywood's answer to a sports bar, using high profile athletes to sell the brand and convince people that the nachos Andre Aggasi like are way better than other nachos. Unfortunately for sports fans everywhere, the place went under, but luckily there's a sports bar on most corners of most cities, so any emotional damage dealt to regular patrons was quickly extinguished. I'd like to keep the legacy alive by highlighting some of the most memorable dishes to come out of the All Star Cafe, the place I met my long lost daughter, where I once beat Street Fighter II on one credit and where my great great uncle's pre and post wake festivities were held:


Jerry Rice

Jerry Rice was an optional side that came with any Jock Strap combo. It was wild rice cooked in lime Gatorade and formed into patties which were then deep fried in Mississipi hog fat in reference to the Rice One's home state. It was finished with a signature "49er" sauce in honour of Jerry's team in San Francisco, and consisted of a mix of crab roe, soy sauce, hash resin, the tears of the chef, and instant mashed potatoes. These ingredients represent San Francisco culture (fisheries, Asian Immigrants, Haight-Ashbury, gay rights struggles, and Alcatraz).

Shaquille O'Neal's Bucket of Sauce

The Shaq is a big man, who needs a lot of sauce. One day he ran out of ketchup and got so mad that he started rapping while swinging a child around on his finger like a basketball. Chef Arnold Glue saw Shaq doing this and offerred him a bucket of sauce to keep him happy and the rest is history. Using a mixture of vinegar, BBQ sauce, American-style lager, 2% milk, brown sugar, molasses, mayonnaise, honey dijon mustard, Perrier, and 47 other secret ingredients, Glue created a show stopper that became a favourite amongst cafe regulars. Nicknamed "The Diarrhea", some would drink it straight up while others would mix in hamburgers, ribs and other cafe favourites creating their own customized stews.

Mario Lemieux's Pupu Lemieux platter

Mario wanted his signature dish to reflect his childhood in Quebec, and created an orginal pupu platter in his home province's honour. It featured a generous helping of Kraft Cheese slices, Mama Lemieux's Maple Beans, Licorice All Sorts, yarn dipped in chocolate (known to the children of Montreal as 'un serpent boueux' or 'muddy snake'), fried bologna, and tuna served over a bed of Raisin Bran. Being one of the more costly dishes on the menu, it wasn't the most popular item, but was a favourite at kids' birthday parties.

If your next thirty days are looking stupid, counteract it by visiting Chamber of Comics for my pal Mike Winters' 30 Comics in 30 Days event. And check out the rest of the site for hilarious flash videos full of adult themes and put on some Rascalz while you're at it to support hip hop in Canada.

EVERY GIRL WEARS TANK TOPS BUT THEY HAVE YET TO WIN A MAJOR AWARD

EXCERPTS FROM A STOMACH JOURNAL

November 13, 2009

Last week my stomach was having a bad hair day and when this happens I usually backtrack to see if there's a food or liquid that might be the cause. This time around I was displeased to find that perhaps I have trouble with carrots, probably my all-time favourite vegetable and reliable lunch time side. The next step is to lay off the carrots for a bit and see if it makes a difference. I've already stopped eating tomatoes and tomato-based compounds, which is both sad and devastating, so to add my beloved orange roots to the list would be simply heartbreaking.

November 14, 2009

You know when you're nervous about an exam or a date with a sex machine, and your stomach reacts and you feel like throwing up or taking a big one? I know that feeling all too well because I get nervous about everything. If I was out and about in public as a child, I would get nervous that there wouldn't be a bathroom nearby if I had to go, and because I'd get nervous I'd end up having to go and so the stress built in my mind and my hind. It was like a catch twenty poo, know what I mean? Anyway, the point is that I've been really stressed over the last while because of several factors and since my autumn schedule is jam packed with due dates I think maybe my belly is reacting accordingly.

February 41st, 2032

Looking back I can chortle at the thought of digestive issues, what with the nanoids that inhabit our bodies in this plustaculop eden that we call New Earth. It turns out I was just stressed out, and after I won my first million playing Wendy's Kick for a Million at Ivor Wynne Stadium in Hamilton Ontario, my cares melted away. I think getting into power lifting also helped, as my mind got off stomachs and onto gigantic pectorals.

Santa Claus Parade (new topic)

We tried to go see A Serious Man at AMC on Sunday, but the Santa Claus Parade prevented us from getting there. This isn't the first time that fat guy's march has thwarted me:

1994 - Me and Jimmy Gringo were having a downhill skate jam to decide who would win the hand of Kelly Malibu, and I was winning hands down after knocking Jimmy over with mace I grabbed out of a garbage can. But then I ran into Bloor St, and had to stop while Jimmy ollied a rooftop gap.

1999 - I finally tracked down the legendary Rat Dude, a half human, quarter rat, quarter musician, in a sewer underneath the Eaton Centre. Having uncovered his lair and his army of dirty babes, I was able to pursue him until he surfaced and blended right in with Streetsville Pipes and Drums (that dig is for my mom), losing him and his moon chalice forever.

2004 - I decided to get out of town to avoid the Santa Claus Parade, so I headed to Miami for some much needed peace and quiet. Little did I know that there's a Santa Claus Parade that goes down every day in Miami, but instead of floats they have ludicrous cars, and instead of marching bands they have girls with low self-esteem.

"If I pull on this hood ornament, the Rolls turns into a hot tub and I turn into a star-spangled Fender Stratocaster"

VIAGARA CIALIS BIG POLE HOT LADY BIKINI LADIES GROWTH SPURT HOT DEALZ

$%^^&&&HACKED)))):::: 00101000101010101010000100010111000100100001000100010000 img-src+binary_input stream "sequence"<1=line99>>>

The name is Hines Steam, X-Box 360 gamertag Epcot_Sinner here to hack this peanut blog. That's what us webbies call blogs that are dumb, emotionless and a total waste of time. Since the Internet I use for X-Box Live is down at the moment and the contact cement on my A-Wing model hasn't dried yet, I thought I'd use my other Internet to do some hacking. I also have to kill time until the Friday the 13th virus I made called "The Council of Elrond" hits travelocity.ca and fucks up so many travel plans that you can just call me Hurricane Steam from now on. No, wait, call me "Balrog".

I also manage a wiki on Star Wars ASCII and have won the blue ribbon three years running that the Annual Star Wars Celebration art-off. Gregor McLaughlin will tell you he started Star Wars ASCII, but don't listen to him, he's a fraud, a douche, a butt and I heard he picks his zits with rifle from a G.I. JOE Duke figurine. I use thumbtacks because they're more sanitary. Anyway, if you've ever seen the following...

|-o-| TIE Fighter
<-Oo-> TIE bomber
<-o-> Darth Vader's custom TIE

...you can thank yours truly. I invented those and many more including Luke's original lightsaber and a really good GONK droid, which I'd draw here but it would take 4 hours and who knows if the FBI is already tracing my IP for this hack. Shit, it's happened before. I was at the McDonald's after I successfully disrupted priceline.com for 6 INSANE minutes and this guy tapped me on the shoulder and said "Is your name Bill?" and I said "what's it to you dopey?" and he left me alone. Must have been the Feds. Had I not been so cool to him I'd be in a cell on Alcatraz doing 50 to life for cyber terrorism.

While I have your attention, I might as well bring something to your attention. ATTENTION - Why don't you girls give a care about a guy like me? I'm smart, I have two Internets, I have three dogs, I have every next gen console plus several classics including the elusive and very expensive Panasonic 3DO. I'm also hilarious as evidenced by my well-received 6,988 comments on the imdb including a hilarious thread about my favourite quotes from Grandma's Boy, which is pretty much perfection. If you don't believe me we can go on a date to my house and watch it while we eat my homemade chili and my dad's homemade beer, which I get for free whenever I want by the way.

This is pretty much what I look like

Check me out on Twitter, Facebook, X-Box Live, the Playstation Network, Flickr, MySpace, Blogger, LinkdIn or in my hometown of..... YEAH RIGHT IDIOT, as if I'd tell you that LOLXX (laughing out loud double extreme). But if you add me on Facebook you'll find out. Keep in mind I only accept friend requests from girls and techies with a net presence, so all you other buttholes can frig off to the Mushroom Kingdom for all I care.

WHEN THE SUN RISES TOMORROW I'LL BE THERE MAKING THE MARSHMALLOWS

Beak Week has been canceled due to strong winds coming off Bart's Old Cream Place, which has somehow stayed in business for 76 years.

The bad news didn't thwart Burlington's the Green family from enjoying a post-festival beer and dog roast in Parking Lot R West.

The autumn holiday season officially comes to a close following a wild Remembrance Day, setting the stage for ultimate human holiday, and worldwide consumer phenomenon, Christmas. Do you think that if science somehow proved Jesus didn't exist that Christmas would be canceled? I think they'd probably just change the name or maybe find another person who was born that day and name it after them instead -- options include Jimmy Buffet, Alannah Myles, Annie Lennox, Sissy Spacek, Shane MacGowan, Dido and Swiss-born American dairy educator Otto Frederick Hunziker. That's very reassuring.

But it's never going to happen. Even if people were to prove that Jesus wasn't a magician, they won't be able to disprove that he was a solid guy who was nice to everyone and who died for everyone, even the assholes.

"Jesus, we're all pretty shitty, but you still like us just fine, what's the big deal?"
"I don't know, I just like all you guys."
"I'm a bad guy Jesus! I coveted my neighbour's wife Janice , I ate way too many berries yesterday and I stole a clay pot just because I was bored."
"Brutal Dan, just brutal. But don't worry, I forgive you man. I'm going to the garden to meet up with Judas for a bit."
"Oh, cool. I like that guy except for his haircut and his sandals."
"Yeah totally agree on the sandals. I like his haircut because it's daring."
"Fair ball Jesus."

Before I dig myself a really deep, uninformed religious hole here, I'd like to pass on this related story. I bet the real reason for this decision is the Vatican wants to make sure they're pro-alien in case an invasion happens. "Check out Earth's news alien king! We supported you and now we worship you. With our combined power and influence, we can rule the galaxy together as one. Let's call our team The Red Robots because you guys are futuristic and red is a popular Earth colour" - the Pope. Little does the Pope know that aliens will find more in common with the creatures of Earth's vast oceans, and will sink our landmasses creating an aqua kingdom with dolphin guards and sharks that wear turtles for helmets.

NEW LINKS ADDED

Check out Marmalade Comics, Jon Blair, and Inessa Frantowski, for comics about a cool dog, a blog by a cool dogg and a website by Inessa, who has probably petted a dog, I don't know for sure.

WHAT'S THE MOST UNIVERSALLY LOVED FOOD? PROBABLY FIGS MAN

As we all recover from a crazy Tuesday night party here at Beak Week, I'd like to put the festivities aside and just kick a little straight talk.



That movie actually isn't that bad. I bet the story would've unfolded differently had she been a TV host and not a radio host, because I don't think a lot of women would trust a hefty chest-er with platinum blond hair and sausage lips. I'm assuming you know the plot of Straight Talk. It's about Dolly Parton who accidentally gets put on the radio and pretends to be a doctor, when really she's just a southern belle who uses hillbilly philosophies to give advice to wackos. James Woods is her boss and falls in love with her, not for her heaving balloons, but for her kindness and they probably get married in the end, I forget.

The last couple of days the content around here has been a bit scattered and impersonal, but since I don't have anything juicy to tell you about, I'll instead resurrect mildly popular feature, THIS DAY IN LIVEJOURNAL HISTORY.

This one is real special because it's the first ever THIS DAY IN LIVEJOURNAL HISTORY from Nov. 11 2002, where I reflect on an entry from Nov. 11 2001, which I will now reflect upon in 2009. There's so much history and post modernism involved here that I'm pretty sure the space-time continuum is shaking in its big bra.

[11 Nov 2002|08:53pm]

This Day in LiveJournal History

From Nov 11, 2001 -
"I figured out that I have an ingrown toenail, possibly two. Now normally, I'd just ignore this and see what happens only I know this guy named Looper Bunt (name changed for privacy reasons) who got an ingrown toenail and he almost died. Yep, there was something to do with an infection and he got real messed up. Anyone with ingrown toenail experience please give me some advice. I feel like it;ll just go away, but I don't want to die of course."

Well my ingrown toenails are still around. Sorry past Glenn they didn't just go away. But on the bright side I'm not dead. I agree with Jon on how if something is work it sucks. I'm writing an essay on high fidelity which i thought would be easy and fun but it still stinks.

Degrassi and twenty four seven (a british degrassi featuring a character named Beans) are on at 9 so I'm going to do that.

Glenns of the past can take comfort in knowing that the ingrown toenail problem is well under control and has been for several years. The problem was that I bought these awesome Converse shoes from Value Village that were too small for me but I wore them anyway, thus causing the issue. After my doctor told me it was the shoes, I put the health of my feet first and got new kicks, vowing never to wear the cool ones again and convincing myself that they weren't as cool as I thought. Then I was talking to some girl who recognized me from a Weezer concert and she said, "you were that guy with those awesome shoes", proving they weren't just cool, but certified babe magnets. When you're a normal man like me who doesn't possess natural babe magnets, the loss of the shoes was a tough gravy to swallow.

IF YOU HAVE WEIRD LIPS THAT SUCKS BECAUSE THEY'D HAVE TO BE REAL WEIRD FOR PEOPLE TO NOTICE THEY'RE WEIRD

Beak Week continues today, with a performance from Saul Walnut and the SaulNuts and free copies of The Canadian Food Guide for the first 10,000 fans courtesy of the Estate of Brad Renfro.

Saul and the band enter the fairgrounds on the Frito-Lay Crunch Cycle which is powered by 100% pure dark chocolate.

You know when you go to an old man's house or Black Creek Pioneer Village and you find an antique mirror and it's pretty good, but not nearly as good as today's mirrors? I bet when the mirrors of today became common and affordable, people reacted the same way as when HDTV came out. A little while ago when I got scared of ghosts again because my friend told me these crazy stories, I got really scared of mirrors at night because movies would have you believe that mirrors are where ghosts like to hang out. Since there's a mirror on my wardrobe thing that faces my bed, I couldn't look forward at night without glancing into the mirror and thinking a spook might be there.

To that end, here's a scary video on Mirrors by the ever cunning, Katie Crown:



I was in Kensington Market yesterday morning buying eggs and weird carrots when I ran into a bunch of four year old-ish children going for a stroll. Just as I was passing them this little boy looked up at something, pointed and yelled "SNOW MAN!!!!" like it was the greatest thing he'd ever seen. I was too cool to turn around and see what he was referring to, but it definitely wasn't a real snow man because it hasn't snowed yet, so he was marvelling at either a picture of a snow man or something that he thought was a snow man. So yeah, that kid is an idiot.

I just ate a bunch of sour Skittles and I'd like to follow it up with some Miss Vickie's Sea Salt and Malt Vinegars, but I'm scared it's going to be sour overload. These are the problems I face every damn day. The third world equivalent of this problem is when you drink garbage turd water and then can't decide on whether or not to eat thorns after, so I guess I shouldn't be sweatin' it. Until tomorrow, keep your chips crispy and your milk new.

Today's common theme was: Chips.

IN THE FUTURE YOUR PHONE WILL TELL YOU WHEN YOU'RE HUNGRY AND YOUR TV WILL ENCOURAGE YOU

BEAK WEEK '09

Welcome to Beak Week! 2008 is going to be difficult to top, as I'm sure we'll never forget when Mike Ricci showed up the Hostile Nostril Charity Ball and set the dance floor on fie-a with thrilling nose dips and hilarious fake picks . This year we've got some great new smells, a moustache round table and of course, the Pinnochio Award for funniest liar.

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Do you think anyone is going to see that movie 2012? I still think people aren't really over Sept. 11 enough to want to watch a movie showing their favourite landmarks being blown up and I DEFINITELY think people aren't over Must Love Dogs enough to want to see John Cusack act again.

It would be funny if the government saw this movie and was like "oh man, if the Mayans are right and the world starts ending, people are going to expect evacuation spaceships and brother, we don't have 'em." And then they forget about it until 2012 and the shit starts going down and they're like "Oh yeah, damn, the ships! We forgot!" and then they quickly get together a bunch of 747s, paint them like the future and herd politicians, doctors, babies, the Yankees, scientists and celebrities into them to make it look like they were prepared, and then fly them around for awhile. When everyone on board is like "When do we get to space?" they say that the main thrusters are broken and then head for some caves, which I assume is the safest spot next to space.

EVENTS SOON TO BE EXTINCT

- Banquets
- County Fairs
- Racism Jams
- Jamborees
- Slumber parties supervised by your weird uncle
- Pie Eating Meetings
- Wart-Offs

A great start to Beak Week.

DID PEOPLE USED TO WIPE WITH HANKERCHIEFS? OR DID THEY USE PAPYRUS?

Last night we were watching "Kate: Her Story", an interview attempting to paint Kate Gosselin as America's foremost single mom of eight -- a tough sell considering she's also America's foremost famous hag. The interview was terrible, with Kate dodging question after question while trying to convince us that she has no choice but to stay on TV because she can't make money any other way, even though she's a trained nurse and has made millions of dollars over the last five years.

Check out 3:24 of this clip, when Kate dodges a question using gibberish:



I haven't "hnumnuh'd" someone since high school but I did "uhmhh" a guy at Tim Hortons last month.

Now check out 2:50 of this clip where Kate appears to greet an elderly fan as "grandma". It's kind of tough to hear:


"Next! Hurry it up Four Eyes. What are you looking at zit mouth? Someone get me some water - you! Skeletor! Get me a Kashi bar and 24 Starburst, all light blue flavour."

I got sick of looking at the Katester with her Cruella DeVille makeup and "whack" hairdo, so my mind started to wander, and when a man's mind starts to wander it usually ends up somewhere where babes are.

I got thinking about how unfair it is that attractive people basically get treated better by everyone else, but we can't do anything about it. Then it occurred to me that maybe one day we will. Back in ancient times, things like rape, racism, sexism, murder and shitting anywhere were generally frowned upon but were not nearly as taboo/illegal as they are today. Over time people smartened up because we evolve, get smarter and invent things like the Swiffer and Swiffer Wet Jet. SOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo it's my prediction that in the future someone is going to get really pissed that an unqualified balloon chested round rear gets the job instead of them and a revolution will start where it'll become a crime to let hunks/yum yums get away with stuff.

This weekend I have the place to myself, so if any dudes want to come by for sports, cigars and Kathy Ireland tapes, come on by. You bring the meatballs, I'll provide the free weights and we'll talk about panties until night falls when we'll take the party to the local bar for bumper pool and Bob Seger on the Wurlitzer.

OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK - PANTHER IN THE OUTHOUSE

My dreams are A Christmas Carol-ing/Mr. Destiny-ing/Being Erica-ing me. As I explained yesterday, I had a dream about a job from my past. Then last night I had a dream where I went in for a job interview in the future and everything was screwed because that's what happens in dreams. Here's what happened:

Carol Hannah from Project Runway was interviewing me in an office and said she liked me and that I would be strongly considered for the position. Before I left she asked if I would mind raking some leaves in her leaf covered office. I said, "sure I like rakin'" and she was like, "really? Why?" and I lied and said, "it's satisfying". As I was gettin' the job done, I asked why there were leaves all over and she said it was because of the owl, pointing to a dead owl in the corner. She said it was the owl from Mr. Dressup and I was like "cool" and then the Late Ernie Coombs himself came in sporting a nice beard and I told him I was a big fan. This must have been for a job at the CBC. Then I moved a guitar around a bit.

THIS dream must have been telling me that a new job would be good and all because I'd get to work with guys like Mr. Dressup and fashion designers like Carol Hannah, but at the end of the day you still gotta rake leaves and dead owls.

I know it's kind of boring to hear about other people's dreams. It's like when someone describes a cool movie and you're like "sounds good, I'll have to see that" and then you see it and either agree with a thumbs up or disagree with a bums up. With a dream, you know that when the person is done explaining it, there's no way you'll be able to ever see it so it's not interesting at all. With an analysis like that you'd think I'd go back an erase all that stuff about dreams up there, but no way man, there are lessons to be learned, and lessons are what society is all about because we all want to know everything because the smartest bird gets the worm, the worm being knowledge which I guess is the Internet.

And finally...

Would you rather have no taste buds or be a girl with a pretty decent beard that you can shave but you get 5 o' clock shadow for sure??

BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE DUDE

Remember how self-reflective I was yesterday? During my sleep last night my brain produced several dream movies on the subject, which kept my toes tingling.

Like I mentioned my job briefly, right? Well the dream director inside my brain studio decided to put together a great little short about my OLD job at a grocery store. In the picture I was all bored at the store like I was when I actually worked that at age 16, but then things got good when I was in the toilet and caught some Asian businessman having an affair with a lady, who looked over the stall, saw me dumping and abruptly put the hanky panky to a stop. Since it was public domain they weren't mad at me and when they exited they left behind a whole pizza party!

I think my head was trying to tell me that work can be shitty, but every so often a pizza party is left behind and it's not that bad.

Right now it's midnight and I'm tired because I worked early, went to night school and then saw my good friend Erin on her 27th birthday. I'm not as tired as Pat Thornton, who yesterday completed 24 hours of stand-up at Comedy Bar for a good cause. If that doesn't impress you then maybe this classic clip from "Rock N Roll High School Forever" will:



The funny thing about this sequel to the original Rock N Roll High School, is that instead of The Ramones being the band in the movie, it's the Pursuit of Happiness instead. That and the fact that Corey Feldman dresses like Michael Jackson throughout the whole thing. It's like the producers said to him, "Listen Feldman, I know you love MJ and you're buddies with him and all, but could you just wear the wardrobe we gave you?" then Feldman goes "This is a Feldman party you square, and the rules of the party are drafted and signed by yours truly. Not only am I dressing the way I want, but craft services is to serve everyone eggs, except me. I'll be having tuna salad on pumpernickel and all the Ribena and soda I can drink, got it?"

See you guys, I'm going to have more real dreams, not the kind about throwing touchdowns and curing drowning.

I ATE SOMETHING THAT DIDN'T AGREE WITH ME OR MY VIEWS ON 'NAM

PERSONAL UPDATES

I started writing some stuff about how I've been feeling lately, and it may not be knee slapping, but it's total chicken soup for the teenage soul with crackers for twenty-somethings and milks for your gramps. Also, I bought this gross frozen seafood because I thought it might be good, but it was shitty alright, and after eating some weird mussels I'm predicting cuckoo digestion in the near future. That's a bonus update. Okay, here:

It seems I've settled into a good post-summer rut judging by the sameness of my weekly routine and the frustrations felt when said routine starts up every Monday.

Even though I feel trapped by my job and wish I could move on, it's not like I wake up on Monday with suicidal thoughts and the hope that I'll barf diarrhea so I don't have to go. But still, my weekly, non-menstrual cyclical routine begins on Monday with the weekend seeming like a Lord of the Rings style quest away. That would make me Frodo, Liv is Sam, party time is Mount Doom, my patience is the ring and the Leafs are Gollum because they help me out but they stink and are annoying most of the time.

I go to work at noon, come home at 8:00pm and then get started on my evening activities, which may include writing this, writing a script, doing homework, writing jokes, making soup, or watching sports. Because I put so much pressure on myself to "get things done" post work on weekdays, I never put aside time to just go out and play jacks or broom ball with my best friends. I think this might be why I've been coveting weekends so much more than usual lately. The autumn exception has been Thursday and its phenomenal prime time lineup, including the latest edition of Survivor, which I've returned to after a 14 season hiatus. That number probably isn't exact, but I definitely haven't watched it since America fell in love with that down home country beard man, Rupert.

By the time Friday rolls around my motor neurons, party muscles, funny bone, balls and dance legs are firing on all cylinders, ready to summoned in case something fantastic comes up. I don't put pressure on myself to do anything on weekend, including soup making, which I think is yet another sign of growing up. When you're in school and school is easy, you can turn any weekday into a weekend just by adding beer. Nowadays I can have beer whenever I want, even though I don't have it that often, sort of like my childhood relationship with Kool Aid.

That was a whole lot of rambling, but I think it gives you a good idea of where I'm at in case you meet a alternate version of me who's trying to convince you that he's me. That would make a good movie actually - a guy has a blog and once day his friends and family notice he's been acting weird and someone smells something fishy so they spend the rest of the movie testing the guy based on his blog and they find out he's an alien or a replicant or whatever and kill him and find the real guy and at the end they all go for a steak dinner but the guy says he doesn't eat meat so it's still not him and then there's a sequel directed by someone shittier than the guy who wrote the first one.

I WANT A FRIEND WITH THE NICKNAME "GUMBO"

Good Halloween, huh guys? I went to Comedy Bar dressed as Brooklyn's own Peter Criss, jazz-style drummer of popular rock band KISS. This year I didn't have a big idea, so I thought I'd give the cat man a spin. He's not as flamboyant as Paul Stanley, not as idiotic as Gene Simmons and his makeup is easier than Ace Frehley's. Plus I just like cats, you know? Allow me to tell the story of the night with illustrations.

Most kids start off Halloween by carving pumpkins. Adult males on the other hand carve into Italian sandwiches. I didn't have one, which was a bad idea.

Post sandwich, the men transformed into Freddie Mercury, Turd Ferguson and Sam "Mayday" Malone respectively. I think these guys would have really got along had they met in real life.

Megan and Mark played The Undertaker and his manager Paul Bearer or as we called them as kids the Undies Taker and Paul Bearer. That urn they found is 100% accurate.

Here are some friends who enjoy Halloween.

With all the wrestlers around, a match ensued, featuring Andre the Giant and the Hulkster refereed by Inspector Gadget while a safari man and Sulu look on.

I haven't seen this movie, but apparently Speirs and Scott made convincing Eagle vs. Sharks.

Lacy played South Park's General Disarray. Tin Foil is found in 68% of Halloween costumes and 100% of kitchens in North America.

Andy's Ric Flair costume was impeccable from wig to boots. Cat lady moustache chest agrees.

Sarah wowed the crowd with an accurate Shawn Michaels circa 1992 Survivor Series.

DK showed up in this fab Papa Smurf. He said the key was the professional makeup he purchased.

The problem with wearing white makeup on your face is that it makes your teeth look extra yellow. When you wear yellow makeup it makes your teeth look red.

Liv was Enid from Ghost World, which sounds scary and Halloween appropriate, but is really about a bunch of people who think they're better than you.

The costume contest was tight, but Lisa Simpson's Floreda outfit took the prize, much to the dismay of the Nature Boy.

The wrestlers pose. Ric Flair, Nikolai Volkov, Iron Sheik, Brutus Beefcake, Undertaker, Andre the Giant, Paul Bearer and the Heartbreak Kid.

The "Zuke of Zanzibar" singing his hair off.


Halloween costumes -- it's all about finding the shit. You gotta have a plan, and execute it. Anyway, I was very impressed with the costumes this year and it was a real great Halloween party until I thought I lost my phone and got instantly bummed, severing the vibe. Turns out I left it on the coffee table of the house that sandwiches were eaten at. I usually do a three point pocket check whenever I go anywhere - keys, phone, wallet. Since I had my camera with me, I thought I had point 2 the whole time and then when I realized I didn't have it I malfunctioned.

Next big holiday is Christmas, the day where everyone gets new stuff. What are you asking for this year? If you don't have slippers, this should be the year you get into them. Trust me, slippers are a classic, affordable luxury that should be utilized.